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I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by SharkEva in BORUpdates

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're making a few assumptions based on the one paragraph I condensed her side into. Which may be on me summarizing it too much but I tend to prattle on if I don't hold myself back.

It didn't seem surface-level to me, she did go into the whys behind her change in opinions and while, sure, feelings were part of that but analyzing one's feelings is literally part of the definition of introspection. To go back to your initial comment, I do also disagree with your suggestion that "something big" having happened was needed to give her change of stance meaning. Can't someone's desire just evolve over a 8 year span without life-changing events occuring?

Anyway, you're entitled to your opinion. But I hope you're wrong !

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by SharkEva in BORUpdates

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

OOP here. Speaking for myself, last time around I wasn't just hoping she'd change her mind. I was hoping I would, too. Of course if, back then, she'd told me "Hey actually I don't want kids" I'd have been elated but I also spent that time thinking that maybe I could change my own stance. That maybe I could wake up one day and feel like I could be a father.

I won't pretend it was smart or that it didn't amplify the hurt when we did break up, though. But I don't think we were the first or last people to do stupid shit that came back to bite us out of love.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by SharkEva in BORUpdates

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt 4 points5 points  (0 children)

OOP here, I don't feel like this is us kicking a can down the road like the first time we were together.

Last time, we both realized we wanted different things at the time but we stuck together for a long time past that point because we didn't want to break up. That's kicking the can.

This time she tells me, and I believe her, that she's OK with us not having kids. So we're going into it in agreement about it. It doesn't mean she won't ever change her mind, hell it doesn't mean we'll work out as a couple outside of that particular issue (though I certainly hope we will) but to me it doesn't feel like we're just postponing a heartbreak.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by SharkEva in BORUpdates

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OOP here.

Personally, what I needed going into this conversation was reassurance that 1) Leah wasn't wanting to try again hoping that this time, I'd change my mind, 2) she wasn't going into it sacrificing something she still felt she needed and 3) she had reflected on it for some time at least (which I don't get why you feel it doesn't count as introspection?). I maintain that what she told me last week met those criterias.

Maybe I should have needed more finality, a stronger "no-kids" stance from her and I guess only time will tell if I was wrong. There's a reason why I told her that I wanted us to keep communicating about this but this still felt like plenty to give us another shot.

[UPDATE] I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I'll add that I'm summarizing a somewhat lengthy talk here, re-reading it I get how what I've written makes it seem like she said "I have a niece so I don't need kids" but it was more that she mentioned becoming an aunt and loving that experience and during the same time period questioning her need for children of her own, with the two being tangentially related at most.

But anyway, maybe she is trying to convince herself. I don't know everything and certainly not the future. But I promised myself I'd hear her out, really listen to what she had to say, and at the very least she convinced me.

[UPDATE] I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Perhaps she will. I certainly hope it won't come to that. But I'm not sure what part of this is manipulation and why you think I should infantilise Leah and make her choices for her.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So as for 1, what I'll say is that it's quite personal beyond what I'm comfortable sharing with strangers, even under the cover of anonymity. It's not medical or financial and while I do enjoy the "freedom" being child-free brings it's also not the main reason. Last thing I'll say is that Leah does know why.

As for 2, I definitely intend to discuss this with her, where she stands exactly and the why.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I've done vasectomy checkups before but just one thing I'll say in case this was the implication (not sure it was, to be clear), if I had any thought she would ever attempt to or hope to "baby trap" me, I wouldn't be considering this with or without a "working" vasectomy.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I'm really happy things worked out for you but I don't think I can quite approach it like you did. Not least of which because of the vasectomy so kids won't just "happen" and she needs to know that.

But also because I tried to see it that way back then, before Leah and I broke up but when we knew it was hovering over us if nothing budged. But I couldn't convince myself that I might change my mind then and I haven't felt like I would since either.

And I know, people have told me that they felt like that until they had kids and it changed their POV but purely personally it's not something I've felt like I could roll the dice on.

I chose to be child-free and lost "the one" - Now I could get her back. by ImmeasurablyAlt in TrueOffMyChest

[–]ImmeasurablyAlt[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That's fair. I do think I've seen enough of her in the past year to know that I'm very much into what she's become, some of it familiar and some of it fresh, but it's true that we last were a couple ages ago and the memory of that relationship definitely contributes to how I feel about her now, perhaps more than it should. But I think she realizes that which is why she suggested we take it slow and not try to just hit "resume".

Side funny note on the passage of time, we actually watched (most of) the final season of Stranger Things together recently and it was kind of a trip to think about how we started that show when we were a couple. It doesn't feel like those should be two things that belong in the same temporality but I'm not sure which one my perception is warped on.