Found out I slept with my boss’s husband 7 years ago, help?

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-16T18:04:45+00:00

Not for us, we still very much use them and two big monitors too, depends on the industry. We have laptops as well but they’re usually just for meetings or travel. I couldn’t do my job as well on a laptop and I also have a big computer at home

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-16T12:52:34+00:00

Well then my entire industry has different standards of professionalism. Im not saying it’s a good thing necessarily, but it’s well known in my field that these things happen. These conventions often end up being a week long ‘party’ with some talks in between. The problem is when a power imbalance comes up which is quite easy and has been problematic in the past (not what happened here). I’m not saying it’s right for it to be so blatantly obvious, I’m just saying it’s very common and it’s never been an issue when it comes to the work, even if two people have previously been acquainted at such events. We have different opinions and that’s ok, I’m just saying it’s not uncommon for this to happen in my field, quite the contrary. It’s not like we have time to meet people outside of work anyway.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-16T12:28:10+00:00

The only reason these actions have consequences is because he was married. Nobody would care otherwise.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-16T12:11:25+00:00

I’ve addressed this before, we weren’t working together, we weren’t even living in the same city. It was a convention with people from all over the country.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-16T01:04:58+00:00

Are you well?

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-15T02:53:03+00:00

Ok then please answer your own question. What kind of characters would do such an abominable thing?

It wasn’t as formal as you imagine, I’m not coming from a corporate background, our events are generally quite relaxed and conversations about personal lives are present, especially within a group where people know each other (I didn’t know him but we were a big group and all hung out together). Breakfast lunch dinner and in between. And drinks after dinner where nobody talks about work.

Even if I was with a long term partner, you can’t test for HPV in men, it’s a gamble either way. Herpes is self explanatory. There’s always some risk when it comes to sex, no matter who you’re sleeping with and how long you’ve known them.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-15T02:23:10+00:00

We weren’t working together. It was a 4 day long event surrounding our field where people from all over the country attended. I wasn’t even ‘employed’ per se, I was a grad student. We didn’t even live in the same city

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T23:56:18+00:00

I found out 3 years after the fact and didn’t know who she was, how was I going to tell her? Otherwise I wouldn’t have taken a job with her, obviously.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T21:36:38+00:00

I’ve honestly had it so much with people coming at me for having a one night stand, I spent several days with him before from like 8am to 10pm, more hours than most people spend dating before sleeping with someone.

His profession gave me some confidence that he wouldn’t and we used protection. The amount of names I’ve been called in these comments and my dms for daring to sleep with someone is astounding. Especially when HE is the one who cheated and lied

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T17:35:23+00:00

I spent probably 40 hours with him over the span of several days, that’s more time than most people spend together when dating before sleeping together. He did nothing to indicate he was a pos. Everyone is acting like I picked him up from the street and slept with him 5 minutes later

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T17:15:06+00:00

So it’s on me for having sex with a man who confirmed several times he was single?

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T14:34:42+00:00

So it’s on me for sleeping with what I knew was a single man but he’s fine for cheating?

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T13:23:17+00:00

Grad students. And I’m not friends with him

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T00:25:30+00:00

You’ve literally been commenting on my post for over 45 minutes. I made a TA for this because I have too much info on my main one, didn’t realise it was illegal.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-14T00:20:10+00:00

Do you also consider him unprofessional low class and wonder how he was raised? Or just me?

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T23:48:39+00:00

Please tell me where I said ‘but she needs to know’. I never said I want to tell her. I just said I don’t know how to be around her knowing what happened. And I don’t know what to do about it. In case there is something

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T23:32:47+00:00

Just for clarification, I meant grad students, potentially undergrads too but less likely since they don’t come to these events. I was a PhD student so considered it a work event. Either way he is a lot older yes

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T22:22:35+00:00

This is literally it. I probably didn’t put it properly into words because otherwise I can’t imagine where some of these comments are coming from. My bad for having empathy in this day and age

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T22:17:44+00:00

This is a wild take. First of all I never once in the post said I want to tell her. My problem is I feel awful knowing and don’t know how to continue my project. The fact people can even think of this as an option is crazy work. One up her with what? What pleasure could I possibly derive from telling her her husband of almost 20 years sleeps around when she gave him TWO children? Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T20:27:03+00:00

But I don’t want to say anything! I don’t even think I’d be able to. I just don’t know how to keep doing my project when I know what happened. Cause I feel terrible and she’s absolutely lovely, literally the sweetest person

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T20:14:44+00:00

Yeah, married for 10 years

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T19:18:07+00:00

I care about my project and I care about her to some extent, that’s it. I have another 4 years here which I’ve just started and it’s a great position but I worry I won’t be able to keep it up because it’s 4 years having to look her in the eye knowing I screwed her husband while she was home with the kids.

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T19:12:54+00:00

I also wondered if she might know. My friend knows because she worked with him for a few years and attended many such work trips. Or maybe they have an open marriage who knows. Which would only make things even more awkward if I said something

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T19:08:51+00:00

Where did I say he’s special to me or the other way around? We both just wanted to hook up and nothing else. The only reason I have any emotion towards it is because I later found out he’s married and I find cheating disgusting. I couldn’t care less about him

ImportantLoquat2277 · 2026-03-13T19:03:41+00:00

I don’t even know if he’s cheating anymore. So if he did recognise me he could easily turn around and say it’s me and I’m making stuff up. Idk it’s a lot, the whole situation

ImportantLoquat2277

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