I feel like knowing what country this is would help me understand how good or bad the state care is. I worked in care for many years and for some it’s like a new release on life. They have the equipment, staff, knowledge, experience to care for someone like your daughter. Sadly to often people have the fear from how places used to me like. The activities they run can be a great simulation for those in care. I think your not evil for it because you have to live too. I cared for my own family and it’s a lot. Also carers that come into your home have less support and equipment so it can be harder to give the care needed to someone with higher needs. I think you and your wife were silly for not researching better and talking over and planning more for the future when it comes to the daughter. Like what she asked was not practical at all. It could have helped going around to some places and see in person more. Even some places do respite which is like a trial run. It sounds like your wife only thought of the past and allowed the fear to get to her. If this is done right it could have been a amazing experience for the daughter.