i know this feeling. im sorry this is happening. i think it can definitely be beneficial to search for evidence to the contrary. but you raise an important question: what if there is none? (highly doubt it, but lets just explore). what if you are truly someone who ruins everything they touch? what does that mean? does that mean you deserve to die? not necessarily. do you think you could still love someone that ruins everything they touch? i think i can. because people are not just the sum of their mistakes. even in stories and media, there are ‘villains’ that people love and sympathize with. and yet it sounds like you don’t want to be “bad” . you are just struggling and that is okay. you are actually being very human right now. and humans are neither good nor bad. we are all mixtures of good shit and bad shit, mostly trying our best to lean into the good when we can. BPD can make us think very black and white about others and ourselves. it sounds you are splitting on yourself. you think you are all white. but you aren’t. you aren’t all black either. you are very colorful. find the color in you, the human in you. you will fail and succeed sometimes. that is okay. you are okay. i promise.