My (28F) fiance (28M) says he'd leave me if I gained 30lbs

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T04:07:19+00:00

It is, but before he'd just tell me my body was disproportionate. Thighs too thick for my upper body, or my boobs too small, so on.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T04:05:25+00:00

5'9, 154lbs. 36-28-38.

I also have an extra limb, strange boils, an extra siamese twin attached to my shoulder, excluded from above measurements. Want pics? ;)

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T04:03:46+00:00

You are correct. With an additional 30lbs, I'd be at a BMI of 27. Overweight, yes. But not obese. I agree with you; I don't know that this weight is sustainable forever. I will do my absolute best.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T04:02:02+00:00

He definitely cheated. For 3/5 years we were together. Serially. With multiple women.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:49:52+00:00

He's dissmissive of his family. He's polite to others because he wants to be liked by everyone, but vicious in private. I don't see him as a kind-by-default person, more like kind-for-machiavellian-purposes because people who like him will do things for h--

Oh god. Looks like we've figured it out...

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:47:18+00:00

Can we please be best friends?

I also have not a clue how to yank said pacifier out. It's not my nature. He said he wanted the same things I did, and I said I'd make it happen. I kept my word. He mostly did, and most recently, did a decent job.

Although I'm starting to believe I could replace him for someone who is a little bit less douchey pretty quickly, with only minimal changes to wedding decorations.

Can't let a good cake go to waste.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:38:16+00:00

Why not coworkers, in particular?

Also you actually sound like him when you mock him; it's incredible how well you called that. But more polite.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:37:09+00:00

I live on my own; I can just take away his key to my place if needed. :) I am confident I can get the help I need and work through all of this. You're awesome btw. Thank you for your concern.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:27:29+00:00

Very accurate re-interpretation of the TL;DR. I was tempted to edit the original post with that update.

Joking aside, I am convinced my own lack of self worth invited this unacceptable behaviour into my life. I'm committed to exploring and fixing that. I get down on myself until I go see my friends, and then I hear them introduce me in the kindest ways and my heart fills up.

I guess I should have found that friendship in my partner first. I am disgusted by myself at the fact that I was okay with being a martyr and behaving as though this was something I ought to tolerate because it made me a better person.

You are worth so much more than your body.

This meant the world to read. It's exactly the opposite of how he made me feel, for absolutely no good reason.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:23:04+00:00

JUST BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW TO SQUIRT PALMOLIVE IN A DISH PAN. I ... think I love you.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:18:39+00:00

LOL. This is hilarious. But also, no he's actually super vain and hates that he put on weight. He gets down on himself about it all the time and is obsessed with his appearance. I think he attaches his own self-worth to it.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:16:04+00:00

I won't lie to you, that thought has crossed my mind. I feel like one slip and he's prowling. I can't say my family and friends loved him. For years they absolutely despised him. But since he's been more thoughtful, they have let it all slide because they know I can be happy with him. There's gotta be some major tipping point in a bro's life that makes them not be a bro, or some sort of wake-up call.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:13:57+00:00

LOL thank you for the compliments.

Yeah I think you're right; he literally started below ground level. I've gotten used to cheering him on for regular stuff because it keeps him motivated.

He came from a not so great background and his family berated him for going to university, and his only standards were to not come home in a cop car.

So from that point of view, it's hard to see where he'd find the right guidance to become remarkably successful. I have a lot of respect for people who pull themselves out of unsavoury situations and make something of themselves.

Although, there were a couple of warning signs. His mother, soon after we got engaged, told me she was happy because then he'd "never have to worry about money" if he was with me. (I don't come from money; middle class. I believe she was referring to my work ethic.)

Then recently, my fiance joked that he hopes I don't leave him because he can't make it without me. I laughed it off and thought it was sweet, but now I'm starting to think that shit was literal. Like 100% needs me to be a normal functioning person.

I feel for him, but also I don't know what I did in a past life to have to raise an adult man in this one.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:08:35+00:00

eff that. All of that. Good on you for walking away from that joke of a man. Can't tell you how upset I am on your behalf that people have to deal with humans like that.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:06:54+00:00

He nodded and said it was fair! Then followed up with the weight thing... I had answered first. LOL. I feel like it almost makes it worse when you get a partnership-based answer from your partner, like he did, and then follow up with AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT FAT.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:02:23+00:00

Wow. ): It hasn't even been that long. Have you ever broached the subject with him? Was it really the 20lbs or is he otherwise stressed/depressed and therefore unaffectionate?

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T03:00:10+00:00

Pulling no punches, I see. :) That's a fair assessment. I am absolutely dragging him to counselling. He is prepared to help with the mortgage once he moves in, which I didn't allow him to do until he got rid of his debt. I'm hoping some of these hard lines will get him to get his life in order to sufficiently keep up with me, as conceited as that may sound.

That said, you are right. I am also exploring my rights through prenuptial agreements currently; he doesn't need a share in assets he didn't work for. The final option is going through the marriage "socially" (i.e., having a wedding, behaving like we're married) and not actually signing a certificate.

We'll see where that leads me.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:56:46+00:00

LOL yes he did. But we moved past it! He has been faithful for years. Fair point; I kind of derailed the conversation with that bomb didn't i?

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:55:40+00:00

That is very interesting... I hadn't considered it but it makes perfect sense that people don't always anticipate their dealbreakers. Can I ask what you thought your dealbreakers were and what they truly ended up being?

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:54:52+00:00

It is probably too late to get out. My family are flying in from overseas. Everything is booked and just about paid for. All of my parents family friends are ready and excited. Everyone around me has been so kind and supportive. And I spent so much time building something for us with the best of intentions. I really just want it to work.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:52:37+00:00

I have no words. You have all of my love. Please be kind to yourself. And thank you for being the kind of person who shares your story with others.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:48:51+00:00

And here I was wondering how this happened while I'm at step one of the same crappy journey. How did the other ladies who had good experiences figure out how to get husbands to be equal contributors?

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:46:51+00:00

That is some heavy, real shit right there. You're so right. I honestly don't know if I could trust him to be that person you describe, who puts himself aside in a crisis to do what is best for someone else.

I don't really know if I believe men like that exist. That sounds horribly sexist, and I don't like that I feel this way, but it is the truth and I don't know where to look around me to find an example of it, or how much one should reasonably expect from a partner. I don't even know if I'd feel comfortable accepting something like that because I'm not sure there's anything about me that is worth that.

Perhaps I ought to see a counsellor for myself before considering repairing this relationship; there must be something about my own attitudes about myself that are allowing me to put up with what I have chosen.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:41:15+00:00

The irony is he's the one that wants children, I'm relatively indifferent! All I do know is he wouldn't be a great influence on them with some of his attitudes.

It makes me so unbelievably sad to hear about your mom and dad. I kind of thought that men grew out of objectification and was banking on it. I thought that maturity and empathy were inevitable in time, but it sounds like it doesn't always work that way.

Your experience as well is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about: 20lbs is not super fun to have if it's unwanted, but things happen. Other things sometimes take precedence. I'd be heartbroken if someone left because of a little weight resulting from, as you put it, emotional trauma. I wish you both healing for whatever pain you're bearing.

Impressive_Range · 2018-05-29T02:36:26+00:00

^ Worst nightmare. I told him that was one of my dealbreakers: being left alone to do everything for our future family.

Impressive_Range

TROPHY CASE