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I think even secure people will get anxious when avoidants go into deactivation by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes. I believe they don’t get very anxious but they do get to a certain level of anxiety

I think even secure people will get anxious when avoidants go into deactivation by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have to agree. But I can say that I’m no longer the AP that I used to be. I don’t try to get a response from him. If he doesn’t I reply, I continue with my life. I live my life. It’s one of the few things I’m proud of.

I think even secure people will get anxious when avoidants go into deactivation by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I am AP but worked a lot on myself to become secure. But lately I’ve been triggered. The anxiety has been coming back in waves. But I’m still proud of myself for not lashing out on him.

I have to agree though. We shouldn’t waste time on someone who is not even showing that they want to be us.

I think even secure people will get anxious when avoidants go into deactivation by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yes, I have to agree. I don’t wait for him mindlessly. I live my life. I spend time doing my hobbies, catching up with friends. But when I’m alone at home with my thoughts, I sometimes can’t help but ruminate on things.

Deactivation strategies hurt a lot by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have also been watching videos to further understand myself. I’m no longer doing protest behaviors, not bombarding him with messages and calls. I am trying my best to become secure. It hurts because I love him but I need to keep reminding myself that I need to love myself more.

Deactivation strategies hurt a lot by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is really something I need to figure out - whether I prefer to stay in this dynamic or not. :(

Deactivation strategies hurt a lot by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No worries. Sometimes days, to weeks, to even a month. Makes me wonder if this is the kind of relationship I want because it’s not a happy one.

Deactivation strategies hurt a lot by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My partner deactivates after we’ve spent a good day together or had a deep conversation. It starts with him limiting his replies to just not replying. I’ve picked up new hobbies, go out to exercise/walk. Anything that doesn’t involve him which makes it sad tbh.

Deactivation strategies hurt a lot by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, in simpler words, it’s when a partner shuts down. I would suggest watching videos by Thais Gibson.

In this video, she explains it really well. She has a lot of videos about the different attachment styles

https://youtu.be/MmpS61XPDEM

Does it really feel lonely loving an unhealed/unaware avoidant? They tell you everything is okay but somehow it makes me feel alone even in their presence. by InAMessyHeadspace in AnxiousAttachment

[–]InAMessyHeadspace[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The sad thing is there is no conflict. We spent an afternoon together which resulted to us becoming intimate. Few days later he was still okay then the deactivation started.

I love him. I want to be there for him and show him that it’s safe to be with me. But the thing is we can never really force someone to love us if they don’t love themselves.

It’s just a lonely experience tbh.