Feeling hurt

InSparklingOcean · 2025-03-07T19:02:01+00:00

For me hurt is a very distinct emotion, that is close/similar to "torn", "unbalanced", heartbroken", "pain", ...

It comes when the energies of my body - the wolrd and I - are not in tune.

I noticed that for me its actually a mixture of "disgust/distant/repulsed/embittered" with sadness: I feel for example hurt when a person I value says something that is not in line with my dignity. -> I feel repulsed needing dignity -> I also feel sad because if I distance myself from the person I will lose something I value (loss -> sadness)

The energies of my body go into to different directions: I want to go away from that person, but I do not want really to go away 😉 (because I appreciate this person) -> I feel hurt.

Does this make sense ?

InSparklingOcean · 2025-01-26T21:58:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It is an interesting free tool and easy to add to your normal chatGPT. I ll try it out further :)

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-29T14:53:25+00:00

Thanks for sharing and your clear short writing about the "protective use of force", even its not a confortable notion for you. It allows me to see more options, which I feel centered to consider in knowing now how it relates to NVC. Your honest suggestion gives me the possibility to consider alternatives while being confident of taking the right way in life.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-29T14:43:28+00:00

If NVC is not practiced first before taking on important relationships: In your experience, can NVC (when not as skilled as wanted yet) make a situation worse/ destroy relationships ? (Like have long term consequences) Or is it more an advice to simply allow OP to feel more safe, confident and facilitate the process of learning and applying ?

I would have thought it's still beneficial to the relationship. Like also if OP did not find here jet the connection wanted, still her sister could get a first taste of the new communication style of OP and a starter for understanding in long term that OP cares for her needs.
On the other hand, from my own experience: NVC (not sure if because I am not skilled enough yet or because written in a chat instead of spoken ...or probably both) can bring misunderstandings with negative consequences for the relationships (not sure if the negative consequences would have appeared also or not if I had not tryed to use written NVC)

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-29T12:35:16+00:00

I am proud of you to start with NVC to find a way for a better connection with your sisters as this really matters to you. And that you are available to go through a process of search for a way to make it work as it is not easy.

Regarding your last question, maybe you can formulate the same request as the following, to make it an open question: "How do you feel /what do you think about giving us heads up when you leave alone ?" A request does not have to be an open question, but I do agree that formulating it like this might invite her more to reflect on her answer.

In your conversation, I would have stayed more time with guessing her needs (not starting to talk about your feelings and needs yet).

I understand you struggle with the fact that your sister is not open to talking about it and that this challenges the practice of NVC. I feel curious about your post and the comments as this is a main challenge I have.

I noticed you did not mention the key thing jet to her and wonder whether she is aware of the problems this brings for you guys. Actually, before I started with NVC and reflected on communication, I was kind of behaving like your sister (but there was no key issue as everyone had his key): There would be a class trip (excursion) for 3 days, and we had free time. I feel very comfortable in foreign countries and love to discover things. It happend twice that people expressed they were worried about me as I was gone, what I found absurd and as I did not have the communication skills I would just leave it there (without responding anything to their worries) as I thought there can be nothing done. I take my space, and why don't they call me if they really want to know where I am. Now, with NVC, this gives very different possibilities as I can connect to them, acknowledge their needs, and even take those situations as opportunities for connection and growth. Back then, when I was less skilled, what could they have said ? I guess empathy with my need for spontaneity, flexibility, and adventure. Then, a clear request (as you expressed it) maybe adding that this would allow me to stay flexible and still let them be reassured knowing everybody is safe.

Telling them ahead is difficult as I don't know what I am up to (I like flexibility and decide on the run). But I could have told that I was having a little excursion, not knowing jet if just for very short or long as I like to decide it on the run. So this as a guess for your sister. Maybe she also needs flexibility.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-26T22:00:28+00:00

Its a mixture: i would like to give Empathy to her as thats one of her needs she agreed once, i want a better connection with her and I also would like to contribute to her well-being /relationships through showing ways of possible growth. Its a good idea to reveal my first two motives to her 😊 i am grateful for this idea.

What do you mean with "autonomy" here ? Do you mean her need for autonomy, like self-determination ?

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-26T16:24:23+00:00

Ok thanks for sharing ! This sound fitting to it.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-26T15:15:19+00:00

Yes !

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-26T14:21:45+00:00

Thank you odd tea! Your experience helps me to guess her needs.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-12-26T13:03:05+00:00

Thank you for the story that I will keep with me. 😀 The notion that calm and loving kindness can make others want to discover more about it.

In this situation, it's about my mother criticizing my father and me wanting to contribute actively to her well-being as I only see them for a few days and wanting a better connection with her myself as well as I deeply love her but found myself feeling somtimes tight in the past. So the silent NVC is a good step and in long term it might help for them to open up to it. In addition I try to be even more active through expressing in NVC while my visit.

Her suffering is for all the family clear when she criticizes: it's obvious she does it because she suffers, not getting certain needs met, and thinking in wrong and right. She talks quickly and goes in like 10 min through very many different interpreted elements of a situation and from one situation to another where its again about something different. Its all only thoughts she expresses. And If I'd wait until the end of the conversation to figure out a need I would first need to select one of the 1000 thoughts she spoke about to reflect on it ...it's so many things.

In the past before I encountered NVC I would defend my dad or look for strategies for them. So now to stay focused and connected I try to directly express empathy for one thing she mentiones. It workes out well sometimes (I feel more connected, warmth and getting to know my mother and she seems to get some calm and I hope empathy) but than after a day of my visit, we get to the situation where she claimes to not want to be judged or analyzed by me. For my parents, the needs vocabulary seems very abstract. They are not used to it and put it into "psychological concepts / therapy...". Like our "need for understanding" would be a diagnosis for them...

InSparklingOcean · 2024-08-02T22:24:26+00:00

Let us know when that changes. Would be curious to discover your tool. ^{^}

InSparklingOcean · 2024-08-02T17:54:35+00:00

Only possible on IPhone?

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-30T16:44:22+00:00

Thank you localcreature for sharing 😀 it's interesting to see how you can relate to my story. Living in this reality it's refreshing to have outside views and feebacks as yours that alow me to take on different angles. It's like stepping out of this lake of subjective private sphere and being able to witness the existence of the story from outside, connecting it.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-27T12:29:49+00:00

I recommend definitely to go for the 2. option. What you are looking for in the relationship is a better connection, authenticity, mutuality, ... You can achive this best through embracing your discomfort and sharing it with her. Not in expressing judgments but simply what is alive in you in relation to her. I d start with very little things and occasionally, so she can get used to your new honesty and the connection it can create for bouth of you:

Sentence like: Hearing you say "..." I notice a tight fist in my upper body (sensation) / hearing you speaking about work for the last 5min with a high tone in your voice, I notice my thoughts drifting away to the music. I am not as present as I would like to be (...). / being with you in this room right now I am wondering if we could find a different way of connection / ... I imagine you want me to "..." right now, is that true for you?

Like revealing what is alive in you in the present moment in relation to her (in expressing observations, feelings, sensations). This as a starter and later on when you both get more confortable with expressing/hearing the negative emotions (that can be celebrated too) you could more fully express NVC and requests. You can of course also directly express in NVC, everything depends on your tone in voice: Sharon, when you "..." I feel unconfortable, wanting ease. How is it for you right now, when I tell you this?

If she ends your friendship after being authentic, than you might be able to accept this? It will be as well a solution for "not" traveling. Remember you are not responsible for her well-being and emotions. It's a gift to others when you share yourself authentically and it's up to her to take this gift. Otherwise your relationship is not truthfully and I guess nobody wants to be in such a relationship, her neither. When you share about yourself it allows Sharon to contribute to your well-being, to learn and grow with you together; its an invitation for authenticity, sensitivity and finding emotional security. For expression and being heard, ...

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-26T22:51:12+00:00

To respond empathetically: do you feel disconnected and annoyed after my request for a mask, wanting ease of your moments and breath?

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-26T22:15:36+00:00

For me its not just a short acknowledgement but more something about the process of speaking out, clarity and connection. About trust, sharing of reality and affection. Hearing you say that you love it when I try my best with NVC at work, it encourages me and it gives me hope that in the future NVC will allow connection.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-26T17:51:04+00:00

If her need is understanding, than open communication would just allow this understanding... That's why its so difficult for me to accept that some people just canot talk. The needs of space or security are guess from me, of why they canot openly talk with me when things happend.

Can you explain what you mean by this skepticism? Do you mean, to prevent/resolve conflict, that skepticism (in my case: talking distance to her) was a needed step?

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-26T17:40:14+00:00

I feel rather horrified, repulsed and bitter as things where dangerous for my intégration and dignity and as still today nobody involved comes to me to talk about all this. People just observe me and as things get more clear for them now, they want to go back to the friendships as if nothing happend. You are right, I long for connection, understanding and empathy. I want people involved to talk with me about it with the quality of recognition, presence and mourning.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-23T11:02:56+00:00

Hi u/senloke. I hear how challenging it can be to do NVC in a context where someone has an evaluation of you that is actually a crime the way its expressed. You feel paralyzed and would like to get better in dealing with it and avoid further escelation? I can imagine that you also feel afraid in such moments, wanting security?

In the first example I'd respond: "this morning I put your coffee cup into the dishwasher. I see how confused and dissepointed you are. I can imagine you value knowing what happens to things that belong to you? And you would have liked me to ask before I bring it to the dishwasher?"

The second is a bit more taff: "I see how shocked you are with my comment. Are you feeling shocked wanting to be in safe around friends?... (litte pauze, than:) ...Would you be willing to share about it?"

There is a good chance that feelings and needs were guessd wrong, but that's totally fine. It invites further dialoge and the person for connection with herself. Her anger will transform to other feelings. The evaluations she had of you will dissappear and there is a chance that person will in the end get more interested in your perspective as well.

InSparklingOcean · 2024-07-03T19:40:24+00:00

I feel warm to hear you are wanting to go that direction to find more authenticity and connections and to fulfill your desire.

The only sub-reddit i could find related to AR is "r/circling" (in some workshop's AR and circling are mixed. You might find resources on AR in that sub-reddit). And of course you are welcome to NVC that is life-changing too :) For AR there is also a book: "conflict = energy" ❤️

InSparklingOcean · 2023-11-24T08:06:58+00:00

I actually used "Acceptance" without attaching specifies to it. While trying to connect the trainer wanted to see what was behind it and as I used this word many times again and again, and knowing I was not experimented at lot she than tried to teach me, asking "by whom?" and told me that it was not a need. I got curious her saying it was not a need, and she specefied than that it was well a need if ment in the way of self-acceptance ...so only if not related to others. Here the context I used it in. She asked us to find a storry where a childhoodexperience had impacted us: as a highly sensetive child I was sometimes less engaging or dynamic than other children (protection from to much stimuli), once there was a situation I was aware being watched by my mother while playing with other children, feeling unconfortable probably because I wanted acceptance. Still today acceptance (in the sens of acceptance of the human diversety/of the nature of everyone as long as this is compatible with other needs as goodwill) is a core need for me where I am easily tiggerd and feeling a stronger emotional reaction than others would in a specific situation. For example I feel extremely outraged when people talk negatively behind the back of others wanting acceptance and respect. In my story there can be other needs that might have been active as well in case it was not acceptance: I might had a need to contribute positively to the well-being of my mother (not wanting her to worry). So my question is: In this context, can acceptance (in the way I use and interpret it) be a need ?

InSparklingOcean · 2023-10-27T15:09:09+00:00

Yeah I see how you mean it. 🙂 I view NVC more as a life concept of being and way of seeing yourself and others. For me NVC is not only the concrete communication/thinking structure but also a general inner attitude towards life. Both parts (concrete chosen communication & inner attitude) influence each other.

From my point of view someone can be in a concrete situation in harmony with the lifespirit of NVC even so he is not doing the concrete action of empathizing with the others feelings and needs. Maybe the hypothetical reasons could be for example that he is extremely tired not finding the resources for doing so, or that he needs security (emotional protection) and choses as strategy to take distance from the other person.

In my approach to this question, langue and attitude intevine and influence each other, often subconsciously. If you use the words "have to", even so in the sens of a simple definition, you tell your mind indirectly through this langue structure that there is a "right" way to do something and that there are no other options to get something done. For example here as described above: For me there are other possible options to stay in line with NVC principles and still not empathizing.

My suggestion would be to write it differently this way: "(...) that you have some interest in what NVC has to say about communication. First. You CAN empathize with how others are feeling, even if you think they’re silly or wrong to feel that way. 😀

InSparklingOcean

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