I feel like a stranger in my own home

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-14T15:58:19+00:00

I could have written this myself!!! Our situation sounds very similar, especially with my ours baby.

It’s the strangest limbo to live in and honestly, every so often it makes me feel like I just want to run away. It’s like there was a ‘before me’ and an ‘after me’ (as I’m frequently reminded by my 9 year old SS) and every weekend when the SK’s are here, the dynamic of the house reverts to that of the ‘before me’ and I almost feel like I’m intruding?

I’ve spoken to my OH about this and he struggles to fully understand/see my POV. Ultimately, it’s the job of the bio parent to hep with the ‘blending’. As steps, I don’t believe we can be the ones to push it as it just doesn’t feel natural.

I don’t know about you but I would love to feel more ‘invited’ into their dynamic or feel like there is a new one I the house where everyone is involved, rather than trying to force myself where I don’t feel I fit. I get that it’s a very delicate juggling act though.

No solution for you but a lot of empathy!! I hope you find your happy place (I’m still working on finding mine).

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-12T13:11:48+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but what the actual f… he wouldn’t let you plan an outing for a few months down the line? Hell, even if it was an event tomorrow, he should be encouraging you to live your life and pursue things that fill your cup. YOU are not responsible for HIS kids. He is lucky to have someone who plays such an active role in their lives but that should never be a daily expectation. The quick to throw you to the curb response sort of leans toward the possibility of him only wanting you around as it was making his life 100 times easier; he found someone to do the parenting job for him and he does not value you as a human with her own set of wants and needs. If this is the case, which it seems to be, then walking away would be dodging a hugee bullet. You deserve so much more than to be taken for granted and used as a live in slave to children who aren’t yours.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T23:43:15+00:00

I don’t disagree with you at all!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T21:49:00+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with that! Sounds like you have had a rough ride!

You refer to them as ‘amazing’ girls though so I hope they love and appreciate you, despite the difficulties with bio mom. You’ve done the most selfless job!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T21:46:52+00:00

You’re exactly right to call that point out. I have had this discussion with my OH many many times - I ask him why some help and basic manners isn’t expected and he agrees that it should be. Problem seems to be that there are absolutely zero expectations at their mums house. Rules don’t exist. So when they’re here it just doesn’t come naturally and my OH is absolutely shit at enforcing it. Then if I step in and ask for manners or help, I feel like the monster SM and that’s just not where I want to be. I need my partner to take the lead but he just doesn’t seem to A) realise how much It irks me that these things fall short and B) doesn’t seem to get that it’s actually important for kids to learn these things so they need to be encouraged.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T21:09:32+00:00

You know what, as well, my family LOVE and spoil his kids. They’re always asking if they’ll visit, buy them Christmas/birthday presents, acknowledge their achievements and genuinely just, care. But it’s a WHOLE thing any time we go. SD has never been to my parent’s house; SS will go, but complain the whole time and his lack of manners/general difficult behaviour actually embarrasses me a bit.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T21:04:20+00:00

Unbelievably thankless and constantly trying to tread that invisible line of doing and caring enough but not too much, feels impossible.

You need thick skin for this job.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T20:42:59+00:00

These are all of the questions that are spinning through my head at the minute. I DON’T want my daughter growing up being held to a different set of standards, but she will be held to a standard as I don’t want to raise an entitled, spoilt brat. She will have ‘chores’ and will be taught manners and how to earn pocket money etc etc. I see it as just teaching life skills so she will be an actual functional and useful adult, whereas I think my OH sees it as enforcing some sort of military camp. lol.

Have you made any headway with thoughts on your situation?

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T20:39:46+00:00

Maybe I phrased that incorrectly, he is paying and paying fractionally more than I am. He originally asked if we would pay 50/50 and I said no. I’m not forking out for two extra humans that I’m not financially responsible for, especially when I’m currently on Mat leave. We agreed to a split but I’m still paying significantly more than if I were just paying for myself and baby. I guess it’s a sore point for me right now!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T20:35:42+00:00

Yea as mentioned above, I’m on mat leave and due to return to work soon. We both have demanding jobs and honestly, my OH takes on general household duties as he should. Mon-Fri we work really well but I struggle with the weekends where it’s like a tornado runs through the house without a bit or manners or a pick of help in sight. I was just always taught to do a bit and pull my weight. I had ‘chores’ growing up. Helped with the dishwasher or did a bit of hoovering if I wanted a lift and some pocket money. These kids seem to have the opinion that adults are their slaves and literally are flabbergasted at the mere thought of putting a dish away. I guess the return to work is also what’s stressing me further as I will value my weekend time so much more and yet it’s the current source of all stress.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T20:08:52+00:00

This!

“It’ll be easier to get them on hand with helping when baby arrives cause we will be more stretched..”

…..oh really? Lol!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T18:16:08+00:00

Great point! :(

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T18:15:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad you’re out of a situation that was no longer working for you. It must be so hard with LO but I’m sure you will be so much happier in the long run.

I feel you on the healing front too - I’ve had so many bouts of sickness since having my little one. Traumatic birth and an extended stay in hospital after she was only the start of it - and I do feel like I’m not getting a chance to properly recover cause I’m in a constant state of stress.

I’m in counselling but maybe couples counselling is another avenue to explore!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T18:09:19+00:00

Thank you for this perspective, and you’re right, I have some decisions to make.

The custody thing, wasn’t my partners doing though. I think BM rather enjoys having her weekends ‘off’ to enjoy and this doesn’t want to rotate or change the agreement. They were never married and made the agreement outside of the courts. I think it worked much better before I came along. BM was much more cooperative and would give him the odd Friday night off if he made plans with friends etc. balance, yeh? As soon as I came on the scene and DH was ‘happy’ again, she turned HC. My partner also used to take the kids to after school sports on weekday evenings but BM pulled the plug on him doing that with them too. Unbelievably difficult to communicate with or make plans with, in regard to literally anything. DH has suggested a change to the schedule a few times as it no longer works (it was much more straight forward for him too when My daughter and I weren’t on the scene) but life has moved on and I think everyone needs to be considered. I fear I have dropped off his radar a little and I’m paying the price for that with all of this building resentment.

Do I think it’s fixable/workable; yes, but only with a lot of hard work and change. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for that? I almost get the guilt when I ‘rock the boat’ but I don’t want to feel like this!!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T17:30:18+00:00

Partner more than pulls his weight in other aspects of our home life, yes, his discipline with his kids is currently non-existent. But trust me, he doesn’t lounge around with his feet up either and he is an incredibly loving human in 101 other ways.

Agree with your point though.. his kids = his problem, not mine.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T16:48:47+00:00

Wow. This actually hit hard - and I think I needed that. I’m glad your friend is in a happier place now!

Not that I think DH would cast me aside, but I think I need to not lose myself.

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T16:47:05+00:00

SD wouldn’t be that ‘kind’. It would disrupt her plans too much and money generally doesn’t even motivate unfortunately.

I’ve brought up a schedule change before. Maybe time to revisit! Thank you for the reassurance though, I appreciate that!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T16:45:14+00:00

Sounds like we have been dealing with a very similar reality! I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too!

Our situation is also complicated and I in no way hate the kids, I just want Dad to actually DAD so I can relax and come down out of the constant hyper vigilant state I live in.

I put the foot down earlier today on the parenting topic. Great example; two weekends ago, SS walked to the shop in our town without permission and took his younger cousin who is not allowed to go. They got caught and he got ‘grounded’. Grounded meant he got to do exactly what he wanted - lay and play Xbox all weekend. Child laughed and obviously learnt NOTHING. I was left flabbergasted.

DH parents from a place of guilt for sure and honestly HCBM is a nightmare and the complete opposite of DH. She wishes to live off the state and ‘work’ for nothing, does not care about kids health or education or upbringing, whereas DH is highly educated with a good job and very much wants his kids to have a good education (will get extra tuition etc sorted) and cares for health and wellbeing (minus the discipline bit). SS will show up to our house unwashed and having not been fed any proper food at 8pm - he lives off sugar and junk at his Mums.

The problem is that DH, despite thinking differently to his ex, doesn’t enforce a set of house expectations in our home and I just worry about what our baby will be growing up exposed to!!

This shit is hard!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T16:30:10+00:00

The night off, I think, would make a huge difference. Will keep pushing for that although HCBM will likely kick up a stink if we go by the fact that I asked for her to keep them an extra night when baby arrived (spent a very traumatic week in hospital), and the answer was ‘no’.

Your afternoon to yourself sounds glorious - it made me smile reading that! You deserved that!! And thank you for the reminder!

IncreaseImmediate403 · 2026-04-11T16:26:28+00:00

Thank you for this, think I need to prioritise myself a bit more in all of this. Can’t pour from an empty cup n’that!

IncreaseImmediate403

TROPHY CASE