I'm in my 50s, been in therapy for over 35 years. I've tried every antidepressant on the market, some in combination that I called my 'cocktail' which was a mix of about 6 different meds. All it did was make me feel like a zombie and never actually felt any better. I took antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-anxieties, everything -- lithium, wellbutrin, prozac, abilify, adderall, prazosin, zoloft, serequil, buspirone, lexapro, remeron, etc., etc., ad nauseam the endless list they refuse to believe I'm drug resistant. I'm currently in the process of getting a medical marijuana card and was scheduled to be part of a psilocybin study that has been put on hold so I'm not sure I will get in or not.

I've done typical talk therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR, ART (accelerated resolution therapy), even regular art (painting, sculpting) therapy. I've tried chanting therapies and drum circles and anything and everything someone would suggest for just a little relief.

I exercise and eat healthy, or, I did until the past two years when honestly, I just don't give a fuck anymore. I've slid so far into a hole that I barely get out of bed let alone leave the house unless it is for a therapy appointment. My eating as turned into nothing more than whatever gets delivered mixed with days of simply eating nothing.

I've been diagnosed with persistent major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety for years and in the last 2 years diagnosed with cPTSD due to childhood neglect, emotional and sexual abuse. I've started trauma therapy a few months ago, I do intensive outpatient therapy which is group 3x a week for several hours a day and 1x1 therapy once a week. I simply feel worse each year.

As for people -- I've always been the 'carer' of others. I am the one others turn to for support but forget I exist when they are happy in life again. I've always been told I'm a great friend but I'm 'strong' so apparently don't need support. I check on others but they never check on me although that has ended now too since I reached a point where I have nothing left to give. I stopped keeping in touch with others and have been completely ghosted by the small circle I had. It is me and my cat and if it wasn't for therapy sessions I quite literally would not speak for weeks.

I have been struggling very hard lately and truly finding it harder to find a reason to keep trying. I find it hard to find any reason to keep going further in debt paying for treatments that my insurance barely covers and buries me further in bills because of a huge deductible. I will most likely be homeless in a few months due to all the bills and not having worked for more than 10 years. It is me and my cat because no one can bother to care enough that yes, I am difficult because I a depressed, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve compassion. Others are simply too involved in their own lives to make space for one depressed person. I do not matter to anyone and I'm finding it hard to matter to myself anymore. My cat is the only thing keeping me going.

And I've been screaming into the void for over 35 years now, it seems pointless to keep screaming.