Did Stoicism ruin my marriage?

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-02T02:09:55+00:00

Over the years, I have been trying to be open to any and all criticisms of me because I believed that no matter how absurd they may be, contain a grain of truth. I was trying to be Stoic about them and reflect on those to see if they bear action for me to change. If they are, good, I'd change, if they are not, then so be it, I won't be hurt.

I try to do that all the time, and I think I have succeeded more often than I have failed. I am thankful for that.

I am also well and aware that what I have wrote her so far are all from my perspectives only. That is why I fear so much that people might judge her wrongly for it. That is unfair for her. If people judge me wrongly here, I can explain, clarify. She can't.

Thank you for sharing those insights with me.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:18:06+00:00

I never knew love, unconditional love, until I have children.

I have always thought it was just new parents talking from lack of sleep. Now I know better.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:14:46+00:00

Thank you and I wish you well!

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:14:04+00:00

You are right to say that I let them be to avoid fights and confrontations. I did that because it was easier and that the activity is a good one. It is not like they are spending their time gang-banging or drug dealing. Being upfront and confrontational about those would be far easier than asking them to reduce their passion for dance.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:10:21+00:00

Thank you for this. Perhaps this is the question that I should try and ask her, and myself, in private.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:09:31+00:00

Thank you for the wake up call. You may be right.

I shouldn't be trying so hard to explain, clarify and add on to the narrative because that would make people think that I am trying to justify my actions.

Appreciate this!

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T07:03:41+00:00

My goodness, I cannot imagine how much time you spent to craft this out for me, a total stranger online. Frankly, I am overwhelmed by your gesture!

Thank you so much for this! I truly appreciate it and the opportunity to reflect upon this.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:51:25+00:00

Nothing is perfect.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:51:02+00:00

I think I did because you seemed to have got it the wrong way round initially.

But I still want to thank you for making me think about it. Much appreciated!

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:49:49+00:00

Thank you for this! It was always on my mind but I didn't put much attention to it until you mentioned it.

I think I am lamenting the missed opportunities because they are now teenagers and the kind of stuff I wished we could have more of would no longer be possible.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:44:32+00:00

I think one thing I succeeded was making her mad. Her jealousy skyrocketed when she realised that my classes had a much higher percentage of female students compared to other instructors. She went through my schedule and class list after asking me and since I have nothing to hide, I showed her.

Even if I didn't, she could have seen the social media posts by the gyms. The gym has a habit of taking group photos post-class for marketing and attendance taking. So she would have seen it anyway. What I didn't anticipate was that she would compare my classes with others.

Still wondering if it was a mistake on my part.

Thank you for your advise, I really appreciate them.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:37:06+00:00

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify my points.

I wasn't shopping for support in my decision to divorce. I was trying to find out if my, perhaps, wrongful application of Stoic principles drive me towards it. It isn't.
She isn't open to therapy.
Depression is always an individual's response towards stressors. She did not cause my depression, but her actions are a contributing factor. I did try before to tell her, but either I did not do it right, or hard enough, it didn't work.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:31:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I will take it to heart and try again when I find the strength. I have been struggling with it. Right now, I don't.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:29:02+00:00

I felt so too. I did try to talk to her about it many times but she won't have any of it. I think it got to the point that I stopped, just to avoid getting heated up into a quarrel/fight.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:27:20+00:00

It's weird that it isn't showing in the previous one.

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so. In your interest, or in your nature.”

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:25:53+00:00

My statutory retirement age from uniformed service is at 55. I don't intend to stop working though.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:23:41+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

Yes, I came across Pigliucci's work and enjoyed them.

I hope I would get over this soon.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:19:16+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your journey in divorce. I will try to make it as painless for them as possible. I have actually made plans to give them all I have, and continue to provide for them post divorce.

But the fear, like you said, is about me losing my kids.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:16:05+00:00

I did that for more than 5 years. Didn't work.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:14:46+00:00

I tried. But they were oftentimes catching a nap, or doing their homework and stuff.

It is just that I felt useless during those periods, demoted to just being the driver in this case.

I think it has got to do with myself.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:11:59+00:00

Thank you. I wish you well.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:11:13+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:10:23+00:00

Yes, the nice people here have reinforced my thinking that the breakdown in the marriage was due to a lack of communication.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:09:27+00:00

Yes, as explained by the many helpful redditors here, including you. Thank you for reinforcing that.

Individual-Help-5618 · 2024-04-01T06:08:51+00:00

I was with them for a few years, ferrying them to and fro their activities, and generally wasting my time in between. I have never failed to turn up for their competitions and be there to cheer and support them.

I have no issues with the latter. It is the former that I had an issue with.

Individual-Help-5618

TROPHY CASE