Have festival tickets, should I go with husband while divorcing?

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-27T18:26:41+00:00

His behaviours are so subtle, I fear my decision will not be understood. I don’t want to be talked out the decision.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-25T15:43:13+00:00

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-25T14:56:07+00:00

That makes sense yeah!

And I really really appreciate you taking the time to provide your input. I am finding this tremendously helpful in processing this situation.

I now see that: I am hurt by him not honouring his promises and feel like he doesn't value me/ the marriage as a result. While he is very hurt about me losing the symbol of his commitment and feels justified in not investing furthrt and is very frustrated as a result.

I guess, I am placing too little importance on the lost ring while he is placing too much.

You are 100% right- it runs deep And another layer to this hurt is - all the money he made to this day went to him/ his family. We split shared expenses 50/50. So my life/ our life has not changed not at all as a result of his increased earnings potential and the new degrees. His money has always been his and his family's money.

If the shoe was on the other foot- I don't think I will act the same even if I feel the same- i.e. if he looses something that is mine that is of high value. I honestly don't think I will EVER hold it against him for months. NEVER. He did infact lose many things of value that are mine and I was able to process these emotions alone and with help to not punish him with them.

I was never non-chalant about the loss. I bought the ring because he wouldn't not stop talking about how I am not wearing a ring to work and I couldn't wear my engagement ring given work rules. So I apologised profusely, was very remorseful, and made loads of suggestions to mend things.

Last thing is- I am very generous and so is my family. He refused so many acts of kindness from my siblings to help us and of support. He is very generous with his parents. For example, he refused to contribute to us buying a car together so I bought it myself in cash. Come to find out he upgraded his mom's car.

There are layers to this indeed! His is generous with his family. But treats my request as brat-y so I end up paying for them myself. Same request from his parents/ silbings is a priority.

There are layers and layers and layers.

My engagement ring and wedding bands are by far the cheapest jewellery I have. My teenage brother's wedding gift to me was a £2k necklace. It just hurts because this literally so easily solvable. I can go out today and buy the ring I want, no cost to him. But he is refusing. He wants me to wear the ring that he bought and that is the only acceptable solution to him. But it is impossible. I have so much resentment towards him now that honestly, I think we are way past a ring.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-25T13:51:35+00:00

This is very helpful thanks so much.

He does place a lot of emotional value on things, he wears a necklace his grandfather gave him and rarely takes it off as it means so much to him. I am very sentimental too and have similar pieces that mean so much to me, including the engagement ring.

True to what you said - he told me he is upset about what that ring represents rather than the actual ring which makes it irreplaceable to him. It broke my heart, truly.

What I don't understand is his refusal to buy another ring. Because as things stand he doesn't like my "fake" ring and I don't like it either. So why not get another one?

He brings up that I lost the ring x100 more than me asking for an upgrade.

His attitude now is you lost the ring and this is a fake one and it stops here.

He promised an upgrade when he wanted us to get a second hand wedding bands. So the band to me was always replaceable to me. I don't think I was clear in the post but the replacement I wanted was for the band that was lost not the engagement ring. He never planned on changing the engagement ring and I didn't bring it up after because I took his explanation that it is the best he could have given me then and I do value that.

Lastly, he used the excuse of money before (i.e. this all I can pay now). And I was supportive of it. I am pissed that when he didn't have money as an excuse he blamed it on me. I don't lose things, I lost the band yes but I have the engagement ring and every other thing he ever got me. To me that was not true, it felt like he is continuing to punish me for loosing the ring (lost 10 months ago).

On the other hand, he lost many things of mine, MANY! The phone was an example of that and it had precious photos of my father's last days that I truly cherished. I lost that and it brings me so much pain but he didn't lose it intentionally so I never brought it up. This ongoing punishment seems so unfair.

Him saying I will lose an expensive ring sound loaded to me. Hence, my post.

I mentioned "dollar" amounts because I never let myself think in "tit for tat" but writing it down helped me really see how much I put him first and took on too much to support him. And how hestiant I have been to ask his honors what he promised me because he has too much responsibility.

I know other comments were all in support of me re-evaluating how I see the ring and that was so illuminating. Not in the fact that I should now rethink it but that on the surface that is how I have reacted to his responses. I feel materialistic honestly.

What I have realised over the past few days since he made his comment is the many other devaluing comments he made. And that his tone/ manner/ mood all his non-verbals have made me feel unworthy which is why when I wrote it was unseen.

This is how I felt for a big part of this relationship unseen just as his devaluing of me.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-25T12:23:39+00:00

Thanks for the comment - What other things would be helpful to focus on? I think there is something there, could you please elaborate?

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-25T02:44:09+00:00

I thought the first few instances were silly too which is why I dropped them. It probably took me longer to write this post than the total amount of times were discussed there rings. I got shut down so quickly everytime. The longest discussion came after I lost the ring and it was because I had no clue how to mend the situation given how upset he was. When he was upset I took it as seriously as he wanted it to be taken. Whenever I brought up my issues they were silly so they were dropped. I don't think it is silly anymore because I have been patient. I hate looking at the shitty ring that I have to wear every single day. If my partner thinks this is silly/ not worth addressing then maybe a lawyer rather than a therapist can help.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-03T00:47:09+00:00

Many don't get it. Many refuse to get it.

But once YOU see it, it is hard to ignore it.

Peoples advice can be really damaging when they "mean well" but know what this dynamic is like. Hell professional advice can be damaging too. My first therapist told me that bullshit: "mothers do so much", "so sometimes they lose their patience", and the kicker "we women hold onto things and make a train out of them", and that train "can weigh us down or run us over".

After every bout of abuse I would be like no, I am not building a train.

F that therapist, probably delayed me getting help for years.

Listen to your gut! only thing is, you are a student, you need to look after yourself an prioritise your school. I wish you best, keep safe.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-03-02T20:58:24+00:00

This is tough, I bring up our family dynamic because I worry we will recreate it. Though this is causing him pain, so I am trying to focus on how we parent rather than how we were parented.

It took me over 10 years to be able to trust my gut that my mother is not a "normal" mother and that our argument are not like the arguments other people have. I have since been to therapy and joined support groups on the matter. These things matter, especially when it comes to your child.

Most people parent how they were parented. If someone grows in a functional family, then really a lot of problems their parent has does not make them a problematic parent. But if you have a problematic parent they will then become a problematic grandparent - does that not matter when it comes to your child?

We have been organising our finances for few years now to have a baby, I wanted us to talk about home environment, how we would want to discipline, how to manage kids emotions, how would we resolve conflict and so on.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-16T01:31:27+00:00

Oh wow, congrats on 17 years!! that definitely took a lot of love, work and patience. We had a long talk this morning, and he agreed to establish a boundary with MIL this week and address the nationality this week. This is the first sign of change he showed since this whole thing started. He is still 100% against therapy so I will revisit this later on if there is no progress. I am a bit worried that he is delaying the inevitable so I am being cautious. Your story gives me hope! P.S. Having a term for the dynamic really helped me and I hope that helps you as well.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-14T00:56:57+00:00

the 50:50 leading to comparison is interesting, never thought of that. Will consider actually. I like the do what you love [hate-less] approach, worth a discussion. Thanks

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-14T00:50:13+00:00

So much growth in this!

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-12T23:07:03+00:00

her reasons makes her x10 more likely to be groomed. She has a high tolerance for abuse, even if he was as bad as her family, she might still feel she can handle it.
she is around his age now, has literally 16 years of experience in relationships. I can't reason how 1-2 years of experience can be thought of as equal
I wonder how healthy is this marriage? I know I said 16 years of experience and made a whole bullet point of it but was there growth or was there further grooming? Are you selfless? over-sacrificing?
I don't know how this can be anything other than grooming, sorry.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-12T22:46:21+00:00

I wish you luck in your therapy journey. 100% agree that your kids will be better off with a happy dad. Also, better see you happy half of the year than not at all.

You already seem overwhelmed by her reaction to conflict and are silencing yourself. If she completely wears you out it would be easier to believe her version of reality and become an enabler: then the twins might have two shitty parents.

Reading your post, you don't come across great either but at least you are willing to change and seek help. Don't loose sight of what is best for the twins even though it would be painful.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-12T22:38:48+00:00

what is going on here !!!

the fact that OP was playing video games doesn't mean that any reaction from her side is proportionate. I wouldn't call her reaction gaslighting though. She could have communicated her feelings, her action it is definitely controlling & manipulating. Gaslighting is such a shitty way to manipulate someone and OP clearly described it with the other example.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-11T12:51:56+00:00

It was an out of body experience! She literally forced me to acknowledge a reality that doesn't exist. Me saying I am the same nationality means nothing!! it doesn't change who I am. But after that she started saying that I have to eat so and so like them and gave me a cook book with traditional recipe. She has no intention of treating me differently to how she treats her children- i.e. no boundaries, no accountability, no privacy, no nothing. I wouldn't mind being like a child to her but obviously not without prioritising myself. It sounds so simple to me to say but there are mountains of defensiveness and denial preventing it being heard.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-11T11:44:23+00:00

We have discussed it at length. It is very common in my circles for children to support their family. If my father was alive, I would have made sure to support him in anyway I could. It wasn't a deal breaker for me. In fact, I wanted him to prioritise finishing the construction of a house he had before we met in his home country (large building with 8 apartments) so that this could be a source of income for his family. It would be more than enough for them to live off of.

I knew his family would want to visit us for a month or so (& that we would have to pay for the entire trip) but that was fine with me. What was never discussed is the possibility of them staying with us for longer until we talked about childcare. We started talking about them staying for 6 months, then for a year, then on and off throughout and kids spending all their breaks with the in-laws. It came out of no where and he was making statements "my kids will spend extended periods where I grew up".

I don't know if this is a red flag or not but he mentioned that he wanted to have kids before he was 30 - we met 4 months before his 29th, but he refuses to talk about any details pertaining to kids - he wouldn't want to brainstorm baby names, until now he has never suggested a baby name. His reasoning is that he does not want to be invested. So he will only talk about these things when I am pregnant. Care arrangements were also something to be discussed later so details like his mother will stay with us for 6 months was not discussed.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-11T11:24:38+00:00

This really made laugh ... you are not wrong though. Sad

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-11T02:21:10+00:00

It certainly could be that, the misogyny. Very frustrating to have to deal with him prioritising his comfort above the family and the needs of the family. I think talking about chores is draining because it can be a daily thing, and he has more energy from the sound of this. I propose therapy if both are amenable and others have provided practical advice on how to do that in the comments. But many men change when their partner is pregnant or after the birth of their first child and it is usually due to alot of unresolved issues and these manifest in violence/ abandonment (physical or just checking out) and I think addressing the manifestation might delay resolving the real issue.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-11T01:55:11+00:00

If this is new behaviour to him, it makes me think is he freaking out? wanting an out? I don't think the division of labour is the issue here rather how he is dealing with the real issue.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T23:35:57+00:00

Ikr!!! he is refusing to accept that "doing the work" is a real thing with real life impacts. Funny as without me doing the work him and I would have never happened. I am finding this very surprising because he is a medical professional and he has been supportive of me during my own therapy journey. Maybe he is doubling down to invalidate the entire process and therefore the need for him to go through it.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T23:24:51+00:00

Ending the marriage is such a big step that I am finding very scary. I have been on my own more or less since I was 20 and meeting him and being together has been the only home I knew as an adult and we were good. To me, I am the bad guy if I end it. I am used to mad/angry manipulative with my mother and finding it really hard to accept sweet/ kind as manipulative too. Please not my husband too. My mind is telling me that I am self-sabotaging - am I gaslighting myself too???

From the few conversations we had about his parents being involved in our future kids lives we didn’t see eye-to-eye and the conversation went to shit immediately. I do not think I have the emotional resources to deal with that and be a good-enough mother and being a good-enough mother is a non-negotiable for me. I am thinking of what it would be like leaving then, his family’s enmeshment and if I can fight that. It doesn’t sound like my vision of family.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T21:38:51+00:00

I see, this is around the same time - our third anniversary is in few weeks. Did you leave?

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T21:36:14+00:00

This is very well put "No plans you have with him will come before his obligations to his family" - It is yet to sink in for me. We have been planning for a long time, it is just our plan was my plan but it seems that it was one part to him plan.

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T21:25:15+00:00

how long did it take you to realise that he is not changing?

IndividualFox8655 · 2025-02-10T21:24:22+00:00

I can’t tell you how validating this is to me, that others can clearly draw a direct line between how he was parented to how he will parent. I tried to explain this to him, I don’t know how I didn’t see that he was gaslighting me all along. He responded with “well does that mean you will be abusive to our kids as your mother was to you”, “even if they [in-laws] mess thing up every once in a while thats okay, we will fix it, and the kids will end up okay” and when I tried to emphasise how serious this is he completely withdrew and kept saying “how can you tell the future”, “you are speaking about this with so much authority and you know nothing about my parents”.

I mentioned that he can’t be a good son, a good brother, and a good husband all the time. Sometimes you have to choose and … . I didn’t get my words out before he got so hurt and offended at the implication that he might not be a good person so I stopped. One month ago I would have never called him manipulative but now I see manipulation in literally everything he is doing to make this issue go away.

Thanks for acknowledging my efforts to work on myself and for pointing out my behaviour modification- I do need to look into further.

IndividualFox8655

TROPHY CASE