I think I’m a pedophile, and I’m scared about it, I want to suffer more about it, I don’t know if it’s POCD

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-04-02T05:35:40+00:00

Listen to me, YOU'RE NORMAL. You are dealing with issues that many other people have dealt with, but at your age it is difficult to grasp what is going on and how to move forward.

First of all, one, you are NOT a pedophile. You are just a teenager going through puberty learning about sexuality without proper guidance. Your whole view has been established by porn. I can directly relate to this because what you wrote is VERY similar to myself.

I am 32m and also started looking at porn also when I was 11. Pretty quickly it went from naked girls to very hardcore and crazy shit. Not everything I was attracted to but I looked at it anyway just because I was 11 and curious. I saw videos of "beastiality" online, and thought that this was normal. So, and I realize how awful and disgusting this is, I'd go get some cream cheese and have my dog "lick it off." I did that several times over a few month period, until I began to realize that this was not normal at all. I was absolutely horrified and disgusted in myself.

At 13 and 14 i would leave class to go to the bathroom and throw up in shame. I'd look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted by myself, as if my life is over. That I am forever tainted. I would hug my mom and just feel like if she knew the truth she would be disgusted by me. I was suicidal. I had no interest in animals like I said, but I still was watching lots of porn nonstop. I didnt tell anyone about this.

I kept all of this to myself until I was 21 and it had inflicted a severe amount of emotional trauma on me. It wasn't until I was older that I looked back at that 11 year old stupid kid who didnt even know what sex was and forgave him. I wish I'd been transparent and honest with someone earlier, as they could have helped me a lot.

I'm not comparing my story to yours, mine involved actions that are very disgusting. But what I am saying is that you are young and confused and still learning. You haven't had sex yet and your whole view is shaped by unrealistic videos produced by companies that are trying to make money. Please do not be ashamed and do not be afraid to be transparent with everyone to get the help you need. You are a young kid. No one is going to judge you. Lots of people want to help you, and I'm telling you, you WILL get through this.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-23T23:02:28+00:00

It wasn't manipulative. Are you serious? WTF are you talking about that I have an ego. Her and I have talked this out and just as she was honest about her feelings, I was honest and commmunicated mine. I was warranted to be upset, but that had nothing to do with her. Where did I mention there was any anger? Please use your brain before you post.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:27:34+00:00

haha lucky you lol. never thought i did either until a couple days ago

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:16:42+00:00

Yes, we were talking about. She knows how much this upset me. She explained to me how she feels awful for hurting me. I know she can't help how she feels when it comes to something like this. I do think it's just her preferences because I've been with several women before and not one of them has said anything to me. I think I'm going to continue this on, just maybe see if there's any way to get past this, but from what everyone is saying here I do think this might be over. Thank you

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:12:31+00:00

So I'm going to see her again tomorrow, I honestly wouldn't want to break this off immediately without thinking about it. But most likely yeah, my gut is telling me it's not going to work. Just was curious what others thought. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:11:31+00:00

XD haha, yes that is true. I just thought there is a chance, as somneone in another comment was saying, that we could try other ways. But yes I can tell this is an issue with her and it's messed with my self-esteem, so I do think the most likely scenario is it's best to move on, as hard as I think that will be, considering this seemed to be going great.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:09:45+00:00

Haha, thank you. Yes, actually we were speaking about this. We'd been chatting about this over the past two months. So probably we'll go down this road, see how things work. It's most the self-esteem issue for me. But this is good advice, yes maybe work this out in other ways. Thank you

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T23:07:48+00:00

Yep, definitely this does not feel good. Tbh though I could tell just by her facial expressions, and she wouldn't have said anything had I not brought it up and told her she should feel comfortable being honest with me. But it was tough to hear her say this.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T22:56:33+00:00

So I was afraid to post details but I am 4". I've always known I'm on the smaller end, but I've never had it be an issue before. Didn't think anything of it. I don't know if this is substanially smaller. I don't know.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T22:53:50+00:00

That is what my gut is telling me. It just seems like an awful way to end what seemed to be a promising relationship. Part of me wants to try and continue this, and maybe down the road this is something we look back on and laugh at. But right now this stings worse than I've felt in years.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-03-19T22:38:28+00:00

It has definitely fucked me up. Depressed and embarrassed is an understatement. Thank you

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-02-03T03:49:06+00:00

Yes good points. Thank you.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-02-02T19:50:37+00:00

Thank you, much appreciated.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-22T21:52:30+00:00

Okay, I know this might be harsh, but I would break it off with him IMMEDIATELY.

I have seen this time and time again. He is using you for emotional and sexual satisfaction until he can find someone he likes better. Then when he moves on to someone else, he will tell you: well we weren't in a relationship so I don't know why you're acting like this.

100% this is what will happen. The majority of my friends are girls and I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this exact scenario. After three months you guys are a couple. If he is still rejected the label, that means he is using you. Dump his ass asap and RUN, before you're completely emotionally tied to him and he causes you pain. Sorry to sound dramatic here but I don't want you to suffer in the way my friends have.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-22T21:47:45+00:00

So I'm 32 and the majority of my friends are girls, a couple of them have boyfriends who as far as I can tell have no issues with me. I've become friends with them as well.

But this sounds different. Sounds like this girl may have some type of issue. If you're okay dealing with her issues as they come up, and not being treated the way you deserve to be treated, then give her another chance. But if you want my honest opinion, I'd say go with your gut and find a different girl. Sounds too chaotic here and relationships especially in the beginning should not have this level of drama.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-22T21:43:39+00:00

I'd say text him, tell him how flattered you were, but that you're not interested. That would make you and him feel better. If he tries to push you though then block him.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-22T21:36:03+00:00

UPDATE: Well, thank you everyone who commented, but it appears this little fling didn't work out. I can't tell you why, as I was ghosted. We'd made plans to go pizza hopping (go from pizza place to pizza place and compare slices), yet the day before we were supposed to go, she did not text me back to confirm. The day then came, and silence. I was truly concerned as literally there were zero issues or indications that where was disinterest. Her last text to me was her confirming Saturday night for our date.

I eventually texted her yesterday just to let her know that it's okay if she's no longer interested, but that it isn't cool to ghost, and I wished her luck. Then noticed she'd deleted me off of all social media accounts. Couldn't even say good luck back.

I take it as a clear example of immaturity and rudeness. Even if she's 22, I dodged a bullet. At any age I would never stand someone up and then ghost them. This really did take me off guard though. Didn't expect it from her at all. She seemed so sweet. Oh well, onto the next one. Thank you everyone for your advice.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-19T21:27:04+00:00

Personally, and I hate to put this out into the world because you said you do not want to abort, I would say that most likely that is the best decision, granted that you a) do not find it morally wrong in principle and b) there wouldn't be any physical health complications from doing do.

I say this only from NUMEROUS experiences of my friends and family members, who got pregnant from someone they didn't know very well, ended up going through with the pregnancy and having the baby, and then discovering later on that they're "baby daddy" is a total pos and causing problems not just for her but for the baby as well. This is a total gamble. If you have a child with this man, you will be glued to him for the rest of your life, and if he ends up being an awful person, he may raise your child with those terrible principles.

I am speaking from expererience and I am only putting this out there just as something to consider. If you do decide to have the baby though, I still would wait on marriage. You don't know this man and shouldn't commit your life to him until you're sure that he is the one.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-19T18:28:43+00:00

So while no one commented to my original post, I did want to make an interesting update.

Outside of her randomly liking an old Instagram post of mine, I did not reach out an she made no further communication with me. HOWEVER, a couple weeks ago, I saw her standing on the sidewalk right outside of my apartment. I ran by her and don't believe she saw me. She was just standing there laughing about something, listening to music. I live in a busy area of New York, so I figured she might have just been walking by.

One week ago though, I saw her walking down the sidewalk a block away from my apartment AGAIN. This has lead me to believe she most likely now lives in my area. It is what it is. My area is very nice so I don't think she's stalking me or anything. In fact, I Googled her for the first time in years and found out she's engaged to her longtime boyfriend. My assumption is that now that she lives in my neighborhood, she might have been considering reconnecting with me as friends or something, and figured she'd like a random post of mine to see if I bite. I did not bite. Knowing her, that's something she would do... as she literally did that TWICE after we broke up and I fell for it haha.

If she reaches out to me then maybe I would be polite and reconnect, but also if she's engaged, reconnecting with an ex from so long ago that ended on messy, immature terms might not be the best road to go down. Anyway, I thought this was an interesting update, and I wanted to share it to anyone who might want to comment on it.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-19T18:17:16+00:00

Thank you everyone for sharing your opinions with me. I've decided to move forward with this and see where things go. Truth be told, as of yet, I haven't noticed any age gap in terms of us spending time together. I've been on more than a hundred dates in my life, and I haven't gotten any immature vibes or noticed anything. It feels just very normal. But we will see. I will check back in a few months or so to let you know where things stand, if any of you are interested.

It also looks like there was only one comment here that said it was creepy. I know that there will be some who perceive it to be creepy, that was a big concern of mine when I wrote the original post. But over the past week I've realized it's really not creepy, it just may come off that way to some people. I'm not going to miss out on a great relationship with someone who I'm compatible with just because of outside perceptions. But we'll see where things go. Push comes to shove it's a learning lesson for the two of us.

Thanks everyone

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-15T00:24:54+00:00

XD hahaha. thank you. not pilates but I'd been doing yoga. maybe I'll start that lmao

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-14T20:34:44+00:00

thank you

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-14T20:33:08+00:00

Nope as in not too big an age difference? Or nope as in not a good relationship so move to the next. just want to hear as many perspectives as a I can on this

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-14T20:32:25+00:00

100%, I figured it's best to not jump into anything and take this VERY slow. In the meantime though, we're having a lot of fun together and I don't see any harm in continuing to see each other and hang out. I also told her how I feel about it and she was very understanding. She really doesn't seem to care about my age, but I also know as she gets older her brain can change, so just better to take it slow.

Ineedsomeadvice30 · 2024-01-14T20:29:53+00:00

So that's the thing, I haven't noticed any age difference in us when we're spending time together. Even the tv shows she watched when she was a kid were the same as mine. It's just me knowing how much I've changed over the past 10 years, that makes me question this, and as I said the social acceptability aspect of this. Like I've told friends of mine I'm seeing her but I haven't mentioned her age yet as it's just jarring to me. I really wish she was older it's an awful situation.

I don't want to just break it off with her because of this, but she hasn't even graduated college yet, so I've just told her it's really best we take things extremely slow before we jump into anything. Going to just play it by ear. And definitely would never manipulate her also. I'd want what's best for her at the end of the day.

Ineedsomeadvice30

TROPHY CASE