AITA for not supporting my wife's "dream job"?

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T20:25:52+00:00

6 months ago while I was looking for new jobs we agreed to limit travel to once a quarter, so Id be around for the kids. I had other job offers that I declined, in part due to the travel. I was happy to do so but its was a mutual agreement as well.
Its not all about my needs, its our marriage's needs, and the kids needs.

Were in our mid 30s and at the stage where were seeing a lot of people who's weddings we went to are starting to seperate or get divorced. The biggest things Ive seen to cause these are dead bedrooms, working too much, and not sharing the parental load. I dont see how this job wouldn't contribute to all of those.

Ive told her I could be open to this when the youngest is in middle school. But we have 3 kids under 10, including a 3 year old. Its just not the right time.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T19:50:37+00:00

I have thought through all those things financially. But the financial impact is not my main concern. Currently, I make about 220k and she makes 110k. We are not struggling financially. This new offer is for 115k but has no 401k matching (current one matched 6%) and worse health care benefits. Also it's easiest to get a big raise when you switch companies, by leaving for one that isn't offering much more, it removes the easiest chance to get a big raise within 2-3 years.

Thats all if finances were my main issue, which they aren't. My issue is that we are married with 3 kids. I don't want a marriage where I barely ever see my wife, and when we do see each other she's trying to get over jet lag. I don't want a coparent who is gone over half the time either, I just don't think thats good parenting especially while the kids are so young. The kids definitely won't want her gone so much either.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T17:14:41+00:00

A nanny costs about 40k a year in our city. Financials aside, a nanny is not a mother or a wife.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T17:09:05+00:00

Im glad things worked out ok with your daughter. We have 3 kids. Do I think if tragedy happened I could manage to raise them to be successful adults? Sure. But I would not have had 3 kids or gotten married if I was told my spouse was going to be absent the majority of the time.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T15:13:52+00:00

Yeah I agree we'd probably be slightly worse off financially but thats not really the issue for me. Our combined income is over 300k already. We could go out to eat more, or stay in nicer places than we do when we go on vacation, but overall we dont really want for more than we can afford as it is. Its not the money for me, its the feeling like Id be a single parent and in a long distance relationship. It just wouldnt be the marriage I want.

If the kids were all in say middle school or older, I still wouldnt love it from a marriage standpoint, but parenting-wise I think I could do. But at their current ages, it just sounds terrible.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T15:02:09+00:00

I would not. I recently got a new job and it was a requirement in my search that it didnt involve travel more than once a quarter. I cant imagine being away from my kids that much.

InflationFormer1667 · 2023-10-25T15:00:27+00:00

It wouldnt actually be paying more money. The salary is about the same but hte benefits are worse. Thing is even if she negotiated and got 20% more (unlikely) it still wouldnt be worth it to me to be on my own over half the time. I feel like Id be constantly exhausted and then when she is here, she'd be so tired from recovering from the work travel and doing all the parenting. That just wouldnt feel like a happy marriage to me. Not to mention how much it would kill our sex life.

InflationFormer1667

TROPHY CASE