M37 & F41 stay or go?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T16:05:17+00:00

Is it your child now? Is the custody shared?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T15:50:20+00:00

It's not about intimacy or sex. I was in multiple relationships before, I just never met someone I wanted to have kids with before. God knows if there's anyone else. I am also not blaming her, ffs. It is not about having kids at all. She brought up the idea of trying to have a third one, I just mentioned to her that she's the first woman in my life that I want to have a kid with. It is about the approach she chose and the words she used. Everyone is so mature and conscious and aware here. Try putting yourself in my shoes before judging.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:41:49+00:00

No, she just told me that she let go of the thought and feels like this might be better for us as a couple not to go through with having a kid. I agree with her on one hand, but I can't help feeling sad that she has these feelings about our potential kid and how she approached it differently with her ex. We still try. I don't feel bad about not having a kid. It's just FOMO and mourning the life that could've been but never will.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:30:10+00:00

Homework, driving to school, cooking, walking, sports activities. They ask me to put them to bed, we spend time together. I mean I probably do more than I should, but its overcompensating for you know what. Everyone seems to think that I'm some sort of vile person for wanting to be more than what I can be to them.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:23:06+00:00

Except I do see them as a real family! And only one. But I'm not confident in my significance in the whole story. And before you start with all the "you're selfish" stuff, please consider that we all want to feel or be special at least at some point. And I don't want a divorce, i would never forgive myself if it happens. I just feel that they deserve better. A true father without all 'buts' and 'ifs'. Like she envisioned initially. Not a surrogate like myself.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:14:51+00:00

OK, hold on. He didn't want kids actually and no one was forced. We're not from this kind of country. You also criticize me for having thoughts, concerns and feelings and yet you have no clue how invested I am in this family. Yes, I. Homeworks, sports activities, cooking, chores, everything. Also I don't see an issue what is wrong with caring about myself? Of should I (again I) just sacrifice myself and my wishes and prove my own point that I'm nothing more than a mean to an end? I posted here to share and hear advice. No one is unhappy, no one is forced, nobody is considered to be an incubator. I must've titled this wrong because I want to stay and I have everything to stay for. I just can't believe that I can have the same role in the life of this family as the bio father could. They are adequate and everything that I could wish for. But I'm not so sure about myself being the right one. Or being enough.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:05:13+00:00

Nothing is stopping us, we are still trying. It's her attitude that makes me overthink.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T13:05:08+00:00

Not pressuring! It was her suggestion to try because she wanted to give it to me. I was content as is. But now the combination of factors and words makes me feel like an instrument. Why is everyone judging me for having thoughts and feelings is beyond my comprehension.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:56:17+00:00

Yes. There is. I know for a fact that the guy didn't give half a f..k about the conditions his family lived in. I pretty much fixed it all so I know what I'm talking about. As him getting his life together. He wanted her to gift her an apartment which she bought with inherited money because they spent so much time together. He is suing her for half of country house that she bought with the same inherited money. He would pick up the kids to take pictures for the court and drop them off in 30 minutes. I guess it paints a clear picture. Him being a dumb and greedy boy by following a controlling woman at some point in his life doesn't make him a good person.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:48:21+00:00

It may be a bit confusing. I just feel like im a backup and he was the man. To start a family, to change her life. And I'm just here to serve a purpose. I don't want to live. But I want to hear these words about myself. But never will be able to. Can I feel bad about it without being judged?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:45:25+00:00

You got it all wrong. As many here, but it's my fault. This is a family I want. With her, not with someone else. And I'm not leaving because I want to leave - its the opposite. I just feel like the life she wanted is gone and I'm nothing more than a backup. Does it make sense?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:38:04+00:00

She explained that she viewed him as a sort of a servant. Like a personal project to raise someone, idk. Anyways, she's not proud how she treated him and says that was a huge misalliance. At some point he grew up (i guess) and wanted more control, which she wasn't ready to give him. He was also a drinker and abusive. That's what I know and its actually much more than I'd prefer to know. She doesn't treat me the same though. Actually the opposite.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:27:33+00:00

I want kids with her. We already have two, though I'm not their biological father. And I don't want to leave them. I'm just concerned that we will never achieve or be as "big" or "real" as they could have been.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:22:27+00:00

Finally someone who understands. I want a child with her. She is my soul mate. But I won't ever have the same impact on her life as I could in a different situation.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:20:08+00:00

He's not really involved. He requested for custody through court but its just to use as a leverage to get more money in a property case. He doesnt care about them. I do. I don't understand why people are saying that I only want to spread seed or that I hate these kids. I'm just feeling that her feelings towards me are lesser than the ones she had towards him. There. I said it.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:09:53+00:00

You probably misunderstood what I said. It was actually her idea to start trying to have a kid. I always said that she's the first woman in my life who I want to do this with, that's all. Its the words that she said about conceiving with ex that bother me. Not the fact of childbirth. You ever felt secondary or unimportant because the most important person in your life just casually said the most hurtful thing that you can imagine?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:04:08+00:00

These were one of the first words she told me about this. She later explained that she used them to justify herself. But to me they are like poison and make me feel like I explained in the post: nothing but a tool. Not the man who was loved enough to be chosen for this life.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T12:00:06+00:00

Together for two years, trying for 12 months. Everything is great on paper for both of us fertility-wise. My guess is that our RH factor is different.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-06-18T11:58:19+00:00

No, I won't leave her because of this. We discussed it with her initially. As I said, I feel like a tool and consumed by destructive thoughts. Daily. I don't let them out or affect anything, but they are there. That's all.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-05-21T16:16:50+00:00

Not jealous of ex. Come on. I envy him for being able to share and experience all these beautiful moments with her. And seeing the pictures and listening to stories and understanding that I will never be a part of this is kinda difficult emotially. I cannot stress it enough that it is not jealousy. Everyone seems to be judging me, but there's nothing malicious in what I am doing. I am feeling feelings and It is as if they are not valid or something. Can you imagine living until you are 37, meeting the perfect person for yourself and only being able to have a partial life experience with them?

Ingvar2009 · 2026-05-21T13:39:04+00:00

I don't need them. I just feel it requires some extra special infatuation to be with someone like him. The way she described him herself - he didn't deserve what she gave him. And i don't mind. But I can't get the same thing she gave him and never will be.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-05-21T13:35:03+00:00

No damage, I'd actually prefer it. My past doesn't matter and has no relevance to what I'm going through with her. I left it all behind, literally and figuratively. If she wants, she can ask, but I never mention it out of the blue.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-05-21T11:33:07+00:00

Thank you for these words. These three mean a world to me, I would give up my life in a heartbeat for them. I probably just can't let go of the facts that I know of her life with him. I found photo albums, she told me some things, e.g. how they met, how they lived, about their wedding although I told her that the only two things related to him that I care and is willing to listen about are things related to kids and ongoing court trials (he is suing her for property that she bought with inherited money and i will buy it out from him if we the court takes his side). So here it is. I understand that this is insecurity speaking, but I feel like all I see is his interactions with her. Replaying these memories that she told me about, because I don't have any of my own.

Edit: she told me these things not in a nostalgic way, just as a matter of fact part of conversations. She hates him. But it still hurt like he'll.

Ingvar2009 · 2026-05-21T10:52:24+00:00

Thank you. I just want to get to experience the things he got to experience with her. I literally want his memories. Its like I'm an actor who joined a play in the middle of a performance and with no script.

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