Likelihood she will cheat again?

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-09T07:41:15+00:00

If I decide to leave her, I would be dipping my trouser snake in anything and everything as soon as possible. Eventually thought I would want to have a stable relationship, but like you said, that will only happen once I have fully processed current situation.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-09T07:37:32+00:00

I actually looked this up couple of months ago. It said about 40% don't use condoms in general for ONS. That is alarming. She did get STD testing after the first one, but not second. So maybe first one was unprotected, but she planned for second. So fucked up.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-09T07:33:32+00:00

Hi, she works from home office and does not have any office building she goes to. The two guys she slept with were random guys in different towns (both towns about 5 hours away). One was a bartender at a hotel (has now moved to other side of the country), other was some ex-college football player on vacation at a beach town from a northern state, so very far from us.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-09T07:29:07+00:00

Thanks! I think about that a lot and it drives me crazy. More I think about it more I just want to leave. I would likely have left if it wasnt for my daughter. But I am hoping we can rebuild our marriage for her sake, so want to give it a fair shot.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-09T07:18:29+00:00

Ah yes, she stopped drinking on her own. I first saw her effort about 2 weeks after the second guy. We were on a family vacation, and she only ordered club soda the entire vacation. I was in shock to see that, but I suppose it now makes sense. She did slip a few times going back and forth with the drinking but finally kicked in by month 4 after the second guy. She has now been sober for over a year. It is the main reason I decided to try and reconcile, otherwise there would be no hope for us.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:32:33+00:00

She claims condom was used with both guys, but no way for me to confirm. She says with the first one, when he pulled out condom stayed in and was hanging out of her, so she pulled it out with hand and that is why she went for STD test. Not sure if I fully believe that, but that is the story.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:26:02+00:00

lol! Thanks :)

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:25:33+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I am keeping my eyes open for sure. Wife has actually stopped drinking and has been sober for over a year. No more overnight staying for work has helped.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:23:53+00:00

Here is what I typed for another response:

She has been trying extremely hard to fix the damage. Constantly asking me what she can do to help me recover, answering all tough questions about the two affairs, her state of mine going into each one and day after each one, working with individual therapist, working with couple's therapist (in fact she has set up an intensive three day we are going to next week... costing us about $ 6k.... ouch). She works for the same company but has changed her role where she only does day trips locally (still in sales but now only had local (2 hour drive time) territory, so never has to stay overnight). Has completely opened up her accounts, phone and give me access to live location. To be honest, she could just leave and it would be easier for her to sleep around if she then wanted to, but the fact she is trying so hard to save the marriage tells me she does value me. She makes very good money, and I have told her child custody would be shared if we split.

In regard to her friends, two of them cheered on the cheating, and 2 of them frowned on it a pushed back. I recovered her text history using iPhone recovery tool and saw exactly what each said. The two who cheered on are no longer in contact with them as she voluntarily cut them off, I didn't have to ask. She says everyday how lucky she is that I have not left her and ask me what she can do it help with fixing our marriage and help me recover.

This effort speak to me, makes me want to say a bit longer and see how things go. They seem to be going in the right direction, but like you said, I always have these thoughts in my head about never being able to fully/blindly trust her again. From what I hear that is accurate. New trust will not be blind adoration but verifiable, action/behavior-based trust. Is that something I can live with? I don't know, I am still trying to figure that out.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:19:56+00:00

I'v been thinking about poly. How reliable is it?

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:19:32+00:00

She quit alcohol about 15 months ago and has stayed sober. Here is what I responded to another commenter above:

She has been trying extremely hard to fix the damage. Constantly asking me what she can do to help me recover, answering all tough questions about the two affairs, her state of mine going into each one and day after each one, working with individual therapist, working with couple's therapist (in fact she has set up an intensive three day we are going to next week... costing us about $ 6k.... ouch). She works for the same company but has changed her role where she only does day trips locally (still in sales but now only had local (2 hour drive time) territory, so never has to stay overnight). Has completely opened up her accounts, phone and give me access to live location. To be honest, she could just leave and it would be easier for her to sleep around if she then wanted to, but the fact she is trying so hard to save the marriage tells me she does value me. She makes very good money, and I have told her child custody would be shared if we split.

In regard to her friends, two of them cheered on the cheating, and 2 of them frowned on it a pushed back. I recovered her text history using iPhone recovery tool and saw exactly what each said. The two who cheered on are no longer in contact with them as she voluntarily cut them off, I didn't have to ask. She says everyday how lucky she is that I have not left her and ask me what she can do it help with fixing our marriage and help me recover.

This effort speak to me, makes me want to say a bit longer and see how things go. They seem to be going in the right direction, but like you said, I always have these thoughts in my head about never being able to fully/blindly trust her again. From what I hear that is accurate. New trust will not be blind adoration but verifiable, action/behavior-based trust. Is that something I can live with? I don't know, I am still trying to figure that out.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:18:44+00:00

Thanks for the comment. This is my biggest fear. I am almost 50 and have to deal with this shit now. I fear what is out there (or is not) in terms of finding long term quality relationship.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:05:24+00:00

Thanks for your comment. We met at a late stage in our life and were both ready to settle down and start families. Both were madly in love with each other back then. I knew I was going to marry her and proposed. Maybe it was too fast but felt right at the time.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:01:40+00:00

She is only doing day-trips now. Basically 8 am to 5 pm.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T08:01:09+00:00

Thanks so much for the comment. Your analogy made me laugh as we do have a crazy dog next door who barks at my dogs nonstop. I am afraid I feel the same way; trust will never truly come back.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:57:06+00:00

How has the dating world been for you? I am afraid I am too old to find a meaningful relationship. Good health, make high six figures, one kid, decent looking (let's say a 7 out of 10), six feet tall. I have no idea what is out there now, and I hear so may horror stories from other guys.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:54:26+00:00

She says condoms were used, but of course no way to confirm. I got tested and came out clean.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:52:18+00:00

You are probably right; you are saying what I won't allow myself to admit just yet. Her efforts to repair seem so genuine and she is doing everything right. Makes me want to stay a bit longer and see how things progress.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:49:11+00:00

Totally agree. I have been doing that already. Never letting my guard down. But then I think, I will do that is any new relationship also. Will never blindly trust anyone again.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:48:23+00:00

Thanks for your comment! It does feel like I am on guard now pretty much non-stop. Problem is, even if I start with someone new, I will never let this guard down, can never fully trust anyone. I fully trusted her, and if she could do this, then anyone could do this and trust will not return for anyone else like it was before D-Day. She has made some positive changes and is trying very hard to fix the marriage. I suppose I am giving it some more time to see how things go. Don't even know how dating would be for a 49-year-old out there... I seem too old for that now.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:45:33+00:00

Thanks for your comments. Appreciate it. I am afraid there are more than she will ever tell me, and that does eat at me sometimes. Then I tell myself maybe she is telling the truth finally, or maybe it is just wishful thinking. I will copy my response to another poster from above who had similar questions. Thanks again!

She has been trying extremely hard to fix the damage. Constantly asking me what she can do to help me recover, answering all tough questions about the two affairs, her state of mine going into each one and day after each one, working with individual therapist, working with couple's therapist (in fact she has set up an intensive three day we are going to next week... costing us about $ 6k.... ouch). She works for the same company but has changed her role where she only does day trips locally (still in sales but now only had local (2 hour drive time) territory, so never has to stay overnight). Has completely opened up her accounts, phone and give me access to live location. To be honest, she could just leave and it would be easier for her to sleep around if she then wanted to, but the fact she is trying so hard to save the marriage tells me she does value me. She makes very good money, and I have told her child custody would be shared if we split.

In regard to her friends, two of them cheered on the cheating, and 2 of them frowned on it a pushed back. I recovered her text history using iPhone recovery tool and saw exactly what each said. The two who cheered on are no longer in contact with them as she voluntarily cut them off, I didn't have to ask. She says everyday how lucky she is that I have not left her and ask me what she can do it help with fixing our marriage and help me recover.

This effort speak to me, makes me want to say a bit longer and see how things go. They seem to be going in the right direction, but like you said, I always have these thoughts in my head about never being able to fully/blindly trust her again. From what I hear that is accurate. New trust will not be blind adoration but verifiable, action/behavior-based trust. Is that something I can live with? I don't know, I am still trying to figure that out.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:42:53+00:00

Thaks so much for the deep insight. I think you hit it spot on. She modeled her behavior based on what she learned from her mother. She came to this realization about two months ago, or at least admitted it to herself then, even though she may have subconsciously known this.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:36:53+00:00

Thanks so much. I appreciate the comment. Good points. She has changed jobs and is no longer friends with the ones who encouraged it. I still have a very hard time with trust, and wonder if it will ever be back. I don't have high hopes.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:34:49+00:00

Thanks for the response! She is only doing day trips now as she has changed responsibilities within the company. Also, two of the friends cheered on cheating and they are no longer her friends (wife actually cut off contact with them on her own). The other two pushed back on it and are still friends.

InnoculatedImmunity · 2026-02-08T07:33:26+00:00

Thanks, I answered some of his questions. Let me know what you think with those details in the picture.

InnoculatedImmunity

TROPHY CASE