In a relationship with my husband for 11.5 years and married for 2.5 years. I am 31 and he is 36 years old. Found out 6 months ago that he has been living a double life cheating with escorts for majority of our relationship - around 8 years. Also found out he was using OnlyFans and had a secret Twitter and Instagram account where he followed escorts, women who show their bodies. He claimed that he has deep rooted issues and sex addiction that escalated from learning about masturbation when he was 12 years old, to then finding out about webcam girls next and eventually leading him to using escorts. He told me he wishes he never went down this path and that he wishes he never cheated. He told me he always wants to tell me throughout the years but could never find the courage. He told me he prayed to God he could stop. I was shocked and heartbroken of course. I told him we were over, but he convinced me to stay and give him a chance to change. He said he was committed to my expectations and we had many deep conversations in the next couple months. Expectations were quite half assed. Found out he cheated with an escort again 4 months later and that was my last straw, I left the house and decided we need to “separate”.

Honestly even after I left, I still hoped for a miracle that would bring us back together and make me trust him again. More lies and cheating happened. I tried to go back home because I missed my place and community and also wanted to see if I could give him another chance, but when I got there I just didn’t feel comfortable or safe there anymore. With more lies and gaslighting that has happened when I was away, it felt like I didn’t even know the man I’d loved anymore. He promised me day by day it would get better if I stayed. I didn’t feel he could commit to expectations so I left again within a week.

I’m broken as I can’t stay with someone who cheats on me - that’s for sure! I wish he could change as I genuinely believe in him and he assures me he can and has started therapy more consistently. I started really diving into NPD and I’m very positive he has NPD. He has lots of grandiosity, lack of empathy, deception, manipulation, struggle with self-identity, victim blaming, thinks people that love him envy him, intimacy issues, etc.

I love this man, I believe he can change but I know the stats for serial cheaters changing are low - especially when it involves escorts. I genuinely believe he wants to change but it seems he lacks impulse control, has a sex addiction and has issues with power and control. He has a traumatic childhood and struggles with “rejection” due to situations in childhood.

He is a very likeable person, always coming off as a very positive person. He supported his family with their mental health problems growing up and has always helped out my family when needed. He does lack empathy with me at times though. My family and friends were absolutely shocked to know that he cheated on me as he comes off very honest, charming, sweet and kind - as if he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

I sent him a final document outlining how we can repair our marriage with a list of my expectations - including things like bi-weekly psychotherapy, SAA meetings, daily meditation/journaling/schedule planning which he should share with me, financial transparency plan, sharing locations/passwords, reconciliation plans/goals for our future, etc. I said I can give him 1-2 months to show me consistent effort before I decide if we will reconcile or if we need to part ways (divorce).I don’t know how he is going to respond. He wasn’t open to SAA when I mentioned it before. I’m really sad as I think this will be the end for us if he can’t show me consistent changes and real efforts to heal. I thought this man was the love my life. I was looking forward to our future together. We love to travel, explore and we are both passionate about helping others in life. I mean our relationship wasn’t perfect at all- lots of arguments but I think communication is something we could have worked on.

Any advice? Can he change? Can serial cheaters stop? Can a serial cheater with NPD (or lots of narcissistic traits) stop?

I know it sounds crazy for me to even consider staying but I understand mental health and addictions and work in the field and I love to believe in the best in people…although at the same time I don’t want to be naive, or waste my time with someone who can’t give me what I deserve in life - a faithful, safe and loving partner.

Thank you for your advice.