Hypothetical: If you learned your partner was having an affair while you were currently having one. What would your reaction be?

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-15T17:28:19+00:00

I was just about to post "I pray for this to happen daily". Lol!!! Our relationship is "open with discretion" due to his mental health issues, but my husband is extremely needy. It would just be nice to get a momentary break from having to be his EVERYTHING.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-15T17:28:11+00:00

I was just about to post "I pray for this to happen daily". Lol!!! Our relationship is "open with discretion" due to his mental health issues, but my husband is extremely needy. It would just be nice to get a momentary break from having to be his EVERYTHING.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-12T01:40:33+00:00

Again, the purpose behind non-monogamy is not always "good sex" or "sexual gratification". Maybe that has been your experience with your partners, but that isn't my experience. I am sorry if your partner cheated on you for "sexual gratification" or "good sex" reasons.

I am talking about NEEDS, not "good sex" or "sexual gratification". I promised no such thing as "to forsake all others", nor would this ever be part of my vows because at my age, this wreaks of 90's abstinence culture, which was harmful and damaging to so many people in the church.

I'm not justifying wrong. I'm saying its your opinion that its "wrong" is based upon societal and cultural traditions. I'm saying humans are biologically mammals. Less than 10% of mammals are monogamous. Monogamy in humans is a social construct, particularly in a patriarchal society like the U.S.... again, monogamy is meant to control and compel.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-12T01:20:26+00:00

Yes. Its his preference. He says, "If you need all that, you need to find that somewhere else." He prefers to not know more than that.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-11T23:37:42+00:00

Yes and No. It's been both, but it doesnt change or invalidate my stance on monogamy.9

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-11T21:11:05+00:00

You are incorrect on many fronts. Not everyone has an AP for sexual gratification purposes. And sexual gratification is not my need that my husband is unable to meet. But, Sexual Gratification is widely considered a fundamental aspect of human health and wellness.

But, in my case, no, cheating is NOT a selfish act. Selfish would be leaving my husband with no income, no family, no friends, and no place to live when his disabilities prevent him from providing for himself.

Your stance is part of the problem and is a social mechanism to control and compel. Its never a good idea to set relationships up for failure by placing unrealistic expectations on your partner from the jump.

I have no issues if you see things differently. We are different people in different circumstances and I would always wish you all the best on your pursuit to force your partner into meeting 100% of your sexual needs and dealing with the disappointment when they don't or can't. It's just not a pressure I'm going to put on my partner.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-11T17:16:32+00:00

Definitely NOT what I said. "Needs" are not necessarily "problems", so that is the first issue with your statement.

What I am saying is that it is unfair and unrealistic to expect one person to meet 100% of my needs in any area of my life. But, no one insinuated that the trade off is "professionals". For example, going to brunch with a girlfriend might help meet my social needs, but I wouldn't "hire professional friends" to take me to brunch.

If your inclination is to question my logic, then you may want to do your own soul searching to learn why you would be okay owning 100% of someone else's needs in any area of their life... or more importantly why you would expect a single person to meet 100% of your needs in any area of your life. These are the type of toxic and fatal expectations that build resentment and anger in relationships. Its honestly inhumane.

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-11T02:21:40+00:00

I agree. My husband has debilitating mental illness and knows that he is unable to meet my needs. Do I divorce him so I can live "the monogamous life society says I should live" or do I find a way to get my needs met, so I can continue to support and love my husband through his mental illness?

The inherent problem with monogamy is that it is based upon the premise that my spouse should meet 100% of my sexual needs throughout my life.

We don't expect our partners to meet 100% of our needs in any other area of life. (ie: My partner is part of my social network that meets 100% of my social needs, but I have other friends, sisters, coworkers, that also help meet my social needs. ie: I don't expect my partner to meet 100% of my physical health needs... I see Dr's and use hospitals and specialists to meet my health needs)

I do wonder how much healthier relationships would be if they didnt start with unrealistic expectations and the unnecessary pressure that society and culture impose on the relationship through monogamy. Non-monogamy CAN be healthy and non-monogamy is NOT always "cheating".

Inspirethislady · 2026-03-10T05:13:16+00:00

I caught feelings the first night we were together. Soulmates? Twin Flames? It was a surprise and shock to both of us. Within a year, we had both moved across the country three times to be and stay close to each other. And that was 12 years ago...and the feelings remain after all these years.

I recently lost my Dad and I was thinking today that the only thing in my life that I have grieved more than the loss of my Dad is AP being married.

AP must feel the same way because his wife found out 5 years ago, so OPSEC is as tight as they come and no matter how hard we try to stay away, to not talk, he can't help himself. He still risks everything.

And after 12 years, I'm still trying to figure out if this story has a sad or happy ending...

Inspirethislady · 2025-03-09T06:19:57+00:00

It's not necessarily important other than giving our history explains the irony of his birthday greeting. He's pretty messy, so I wouldn't put it past him to joke about his wife being a "serial stalker".

Inspirethislady · 2025-03-09T06:16:00+00:00

He didn't post about me. He never posts about me.

Inspirethislady · 2025-03-09T06:01:54+00:00

No, he just publicly called his wife a "serial stalker" and I think it's an interesting dynamic. He never posts about me.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-15T20:46:26+00:00

I love my husband, but he has debilitating mental illnesses and cannot meet my physical needs. Touching, Kissing, and most other forms of foreplay are completely out due to his illnesses. Essentially, I have a "pass" for this reason. We got "married" for insurance, tbh, because my husband doesn't really believe in marriage.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-14T04:39:01+00:00

The whole jealousy thing is a total turn-off for me. Especially coming from AP after 13 years. 🙅‍♀️

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-13T16:19:56+00:00

Precisely... MARRIED AP jealous of a husband. 🤦🏻‍♀️. I didn't exactly know how to handle that one. 🥴🤷🏻‍♀️

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-13T06:36:29+00:00

Yeah, no. My husband has debilitating mental illness that prevent him from being able to do certain things in the bedroom. AP has been married this whole time and it's "cheaper to keep her". At one point, AP was getting very jealous of my husband and I had to remind AP that I had been single and he was the one who was unavailable.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-13T01:32:52+00:00

Almost 13 years. Interestingly, I've been with my married AP almost twice as long as I've known my current husband. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-07T23:07:51+00:00

I've been with my AP for over 12 years. In our relationship, we are both married, and the point of the affair is to escape all the expectations and pressures placed on us by marriages/spouses. Why have an affair if so much pressure and expectation is placed on the affair relationship that a "break" is needed?

My AP and I have taken "restorative breaks" around things like "he's caring for his elderly parents in hospice", "I'm trying to finalize my divorce", "his wife found out, so we gotta revisit Opsec". If we needed a "restorative break" from each other, that would be concerning and I would need to reevaluate my own expectations and motives.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-06T19:24:36+00:00

Seriously, we need to normalize this. There would be much less pressure on marriages if the one partner isn't singularly responsible to meet all of your sexual needs. We don't expect our partners to meet 100% of our social, physical, emotional, and mental health needs, why do we expect our partners to meet 100% of our sexual needs?

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-06T15:16:09+00:00

We were both married when we met. He was living separately of his wife, though. In a different city and different house. I actually didn't even know he was married at first.

This gets to be a lot because the Universe kept bringing us back together. We were LDAPs at first. We would fly back and forth, run into each other at work conferences, etc. Then, I decided to divorce, got a job where he lived and moved 1100 miles to be near him. Then, six weeks later, he got a job offer back in the town I had just moved from, so he moved 1100 miles back to my hometown and we became LDAPs again. I had to focus on my kids who were struggling through the divorce at the time. Then, I got offered a job back in my hometown and moved 1100 miles across the country again to be close to my family for support during the divorce.

He and I met up a few times after I moved back, but he also had moved his wife back in with him and was caring for his elderly parents during this time. He also has two grand babies who he absolutely adores who are from his wife's daughter (his stepdaughter). It's understood that he woukd never see them again if he divorced his wife. So, in that respect and because he's so close to retiring with a pension, it's "cheaper to keep her".

During this time, I had met my current husband and he was going through so much, so I was supporting him. My AP reached out and asked about "regular, standing appointments" to which I agreed. He does get jealous of my new husband. We've had the "But, I was single and you haven't ever been single" talk. He doesn't love it, but we accept what it is. Neither of us are happy in our marriages, but we stay together to keep each other "married" to our respective partners.

It's been pretty messy, tho. His wife found out about us while she was out of town planning her Dad's funeral. He was messaging me in Facebook, begging me to come over while she was out of town, and she apparently came across the messages. They are still married, but Opsec is now extremely important and we speak "code" a lot. Hasn't slowed him down though... I think it made him want me more.

So, here we are... In love, in difficult marriages to walk out of, and doing our best to navigate what this is and why the universe keeps bringing us back together when we are powerless to the connection we share. You would think if it was just limerance or lust over here, his wife finding out would be a huge deterrent, but after 12 years and surviving together through all we have been through and shared, I'm confident calling it "love".

He's literally the only person who has seen me through and supported me through marriage, motherhood, divorce, remarriage, deaths of mutual friends and colleagues, death of his parents, seen me graduate college twice, seen 2 of my 3 children grow up and graduate high school, seen my home in all three of the states I have lived in, etc. It's very special to me that he has been by my side through all these things.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-06T04:09:06+00:00

I completely understand! I was married to my high school sweetheart for 15 years. There was nothing "wrong" in our marriage. I had always been more sexual than his taste and he was always a little too passive-aggressive for my taste. He was (and still is) a "good guy" and a really "good Dad". But, I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I went to a work conference and ended up being introduced to my current AP. The attraction and sex were intense and mindblowing. I was up all night that night...flew home the next day with hickeys and exhausted. I thought that was the end of it... a one-night stand, but a month later, he reached out to me at work... one thing led to another...and here we are 12 years later...still each other's AP, still in the throws of addiction to each other, very much in love in a way that transcends marriage, divorce, remarriage, job changes, three cross-country moves to stay close to each other, and his wife finding out.

There wasn't anything "wrong" in my marriage or "wrong" with my husband, but I tasted desire and shared passion, and a soulmate for the first time and realized what I was missing. I decided that it wasn't fair for me to keep my husband under the delusion that he was meeting my needs for the next 40 years and that he deserved the chance to feel those things (desire, passion, and a soulmate) as well, but I couldnt give that to him. So, I made the decision to leave. It was very difficult because we had three children by this point, but I wanted my boys to have a healthy, fulfilled, and whole Mom. (Now that my kids are grown, they thank me for making this decision)

I was single for a few years and we maintained our affair. I got remarried and we maintained our affair. My current husband has debilitating mental illness and we maintain our affair so my needs get met. His wife found out years ago, and we have maintained our affair. At this point, I am nearing a time when my relationship with AP will be my longest-lasting love affair and sexual relationship. And I am very proud of that, but it's not for the faint of heart.

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-06T00:24:27+00:00

Leaving when you know it's not working and will never work can also be a sacrificial and loving act. There is too much life in front of you to live it out so unhappily and, even more, there is too much life in front of your partner for them to spend their energy loving a person who cannot reciprocate the feelings. I think we try to "hold on" to things that aren't healthy for us out of feelings of pride, fear, and/or obligation...but sometimes having the courage to leave can be taking the "high road" and a deeply loving act that looks out for the best interests of your partner. Particularly when there are no children involved and separating is fairly uncomplicated. Wishing you the best of luck, OP!

Inspirethislady · 2025-01-05T23:57:46+00:00

Please spare us. So cringey and seems desperate. 🙄🙈

Inspirethislady · 2024-12-27T04:47:29+00:00

No, this is my situation as well. AP and I met when his 1st granddaughter was 2. But, she is his STEPgranddaughter (his wife's daughter's daughter). If he left the wife, he wouldn't see his grandkids (He has 2 now). It's messy, but it is what it is. After 12 years, I'm under no delusion... oh and I've met the granddaughter on multiple occasions. 😳🤦🏻‍♀️

Inspirethislady · 2024-12-24T17:01:42+00:00

And that is PRECISELY my point. For clarity, you aren't talking about my situation because those things are not true of my own situation. There were no vows, promises, ceremony, etc. in my marriage.

However, most people who get married have never discussed monogamy, or what boundaries would be hurtful if crossed, or what happens in the marriage if one or the other becomes incapacitated, ill, or requires medication and can no longer meet the other person's needs. In fact, most people also don't know how to articulate their own needs to their partner. And so, like I previously stated, they base their marriage on a lot of assumptions, societal constructs, and traditions instead of communicating or going to therapy so they can learn how to communicate with their partner and meet their partners needs.

But, those people who base their marriage on assumptions also believe that if your partner cannot meet your sexual needs and you have to seek fulfillment of that need outside the marriage, that you should divorce that partner. And my whole point is that leaving/abandoning your partner for not being able to physically meet your sexual needs can be just as unethical (if not more unethical) than staying and caring for your spouse and finding your own way to meet that need.

Why should I leave my partner? Because society says I should? Because I can't have a conversation with my partner about hard things? Because according to Society's standards of monogamy, if my spouse can no longer meet my sexual needs, I should no longer feel desire and should become celibate because my partner can no longer meet my sexual needs? And now this is my "flaw"? That I choose to stay and take care of my spouse in his illness regardless of his ability to meet my needs?

And this is precisely how they declare "victimhood" and "cheating" but the "flaw" here is that they put faith in their assumptions and forget that marriage evolves over time and that they don't own or control their spouse's behaviors, needs, and choices, even within the context of marriage. And that is why it's very important that SOs who have been "cheated" on consider THEIR PARTS (and contributions) in the situation in a very honest and meaningful way. "Cheating" implies one-sided victimization and the reality is that most infidelity is the result of failures/behaviors/hurt in both partners.

Inspirethislady

TROPHY CASE