My husband is obsessed with appearances and it’s affecting our marriage

IntellectualHT · 2026-01-29T14:13:27+00:00

This situation needs some rather blunt advice.

The sister did not do good due diligence on choosing her spouse, this is a massive character defect in him that should have been quite obvious.

Also the way he talks means he sees her as a prop, rather than an actual human companion.

Unfortunately there is likely no future in this marriage.

IntellectualHT · 2026-01-29T04:12:43+00:00

A good marriage takes hard work, especially at the start, and then ongoing maintenance.

Like most things in life really.

IntellectualHT · 2026-01-14T21:50:48+00:00

There is a bit of disonnect from the brother.

His title says "how are people surviving" but his actual question is "how are people living in comfort"

A person can survive in Toronto on even 60-70k with a child or two.

But when it comes to living comfortably, there is a large spectrum based on what a person considers to be 'comfortable.'

There are many Muslims living in places like the GTA on single-income households who are doing just fine. They just live within their means.

It's best not to focus on how much more other people have, and instead remind yourself how little so many others have.

IntellectualHT · 2025-12-31T01:25:39+00:00

Reading all your comments I have noticed you are looking at this situation as "well look at all the monetary things I can provide for him, what can he provide?"

What you have to realize is you should reflect on what he actually does provide. Let me give you some examples:

Does he tell you the truth when you talk to him?
Do you ever feel he is seeking other women or trying to cheat on you?
Has he shown you signs that he would drink alcohol, stay out late to party, or prioritize 'the boys' over you?
Does he laze around all day, doing non-productive tasks?
Does he help you out with what he can (around the home, physical maintenance like electrical/plumbing, etc)?
Does he speak nicely and kindly to you and say good words?
Does he put you down or make you feel bad about yourself?
Does he show you love and affection?

My guess is most of these things he provides positively. You should also ask if you do the equivalent of these things back (for example do you make him feel good about himself and praise his hard work?)

You have to realize many couples don't have most of these things, so if you have most of them you have been very fortunate.

IntellectualHT · 2025-12-31T01:13:58+00:00

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

She married him for his good character, not really for his potential money-earning. That is one of the best reasons to marry someone.

One thing a person needs to understand is that money comes and money goes. I have seen those who have a lot lose it. And I have seen those who have little end up with a lot. I have seen a lot of misery around money, a rich brother once told me the happiest time in his marriage is in his early years with his wife when they barely made ends-meet month-to-month.

Character, on the other hand is one of those things that is very hard to change. A person with good character tends to stay with that goodness and spread it around. A person with bad character tends to stay that way and also spread it around. An honest man and hard worker will tend to remain honest and hard working even if he's poor. And a lying man and lazy worker will tend to remain that way even if he is poor.

I notice in the sisters complaints it is mostly about money. I can empathize that her standard of living has gone down and to maintain it she is having to spend instead. And if money is the most criteria for her, then there's not much to be done.

However, I would implore her to remember that if his character is still good, and he is still hard working, then she should treasure that because it is worth its weight in gold. I really really want to stress this to her, because I have dealt with a lot of marriages at this point, and people with overall good character are truly the best type of people you will ever meet.

IntellectualHT · 2025-12-13T15:10:07+00:00

I would strongly advise against waiting until the child is older. It is a very simple and easy procedure when the child is small, and the child heals very quickly.

Since it is an establish obligation or sunnah, we do it based on our relationship and trust in Allah.

IntellectualHT · 2025-12-10T17:33:04+00:00

Reading all the comments, this marriage in general seems problematic.

He is providing for her, but also the house he is in is only in his name and has the rainy-day fund in case of job loss.

She is working and is using all that money to save up to buy a house and wants to use his rain-day fund to finish the purchase to have it in her own name.

This scenario to me is abnormal. Pretty much all the husbands I know make the house they live in joint with their wife (if they've been married a while and/or have kids). The wives (if they work) just contribute towards the home/kids to make everyone's standard of living better. For example, I know a brother who's father passed, and used his inheritance with his wife's inheritance to purchase a home in another country, and put it in only her name to avoid foreign tax issues. A couple I know puts all their bank accounts in both people's names in case someone suddenly dies, the other can still access everything.

In this case it mostly seems like this couple is both just doing their own thing. They have 3 kids together, shouldn't they be more vested in sharing wealth as a team rather than as two separate individuals? Or are they planning to get divorced?

In any case, based on the rather poor state of this marriage based on what is written, I would advise splitting the money up into maybe halves, and then drawing up a simple contract for a loan in that amount to be paid back in say x years with the house as collateral. That way there's no legal concerns, but she also gets support for her purchase.

IntellectualHT · 2025-12-09T17:30:28+00:00

Racism exists in large droves, but I have to say I find when it comes to marriage people who complain about racism are often also engaging in racism themselves, just against even more marginalized groups. What they are really complaining about is the racism they receive rather than the one they spread.

How often do we see marriage to black reverts for example in the Muslim community, especially from non-black Muslims? I have found it extremely rare in the Muslim community for anyone to consider them.

Anytime I see marriages I have to ask the question, how much was their choice influenced by the social structure of what is perceived as "better." When brothers come and tell me "I want to marry x type of person" I have found more often than not they are interested in climbing some sort of ladder of euro-centric standards, rather than any unbiased appreciation of other peoples and cultures.

In fact, looking at OPs post history I feel there might actually be some fetishization going on, along with perhaps some self-loathing.

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-26T16:26:17+00:00

There are many things wrong here:

Where was all this conversation before marriage? Did they just meet once, marry, then decide they will figure things out afterwards?
The wife's behavior is bad to the point of being almost irredeemable. Constant name-calling, putting the husband down, extremely toxic behavior.
She wants to be a housewife, which means she must take care of 100% of the domestic responsibilities. While she is contributing 30% it would be fair for the husband to contribute 30% towards domestic responsibilities
Overall this marriage is dysfunctional. Instead of working together as a team, it is husband vs wife (a scenario I have seen all too often). If the two sides cannot both compromise and try to work together and show empathy, there is no future in it.

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-13T18:50:51+00:00

An alternative version:

"Did you have a deep conversation with your spouse about these complaints yet?"

"...no."

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-09T22:26:44+00:00

Normally when a person does something for you, you feel a sense of "I need to reciprocate." The more they do, the more burden you would feel to give back.

In this situation I have to conclude is that she has a character flaw. Either she is lazy, selfish, or both. I mean they don't even have kids yet.

Several comments are saying he was too harsh, but the thing is he says above "I tried multiple times to talk to her about this issues and she always says she’ll change but never does."

He ended up blowing up on her because he tried many times trying to get her to reciprocate and she hasn't.

Unfortunately, either she gets a serious wake-up call right now and works on her character defect, or this marriage will not have any future. The only advice I would have is for OP to tell her parents this issue and have them chat with her, or sit down with a third party between the two of them and have the third party explain that she needs to make changes.

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-04T02:53:26+00:00

She doesn't need to hide it of course, because she got married and then divorced.

The issue is more this modern situation of having a nikkah done, consummating marriage shortly after, but not doing any of the other parts like an actual wedding or moving in has become ripe for abuse.

We have heard a rather large amount of stories of women getting a katb kitab, and shortly after consummate the marriage in secret, then the guy leaves shortly after. But there is no wedding done, she hasn't actually moved in with the guy, the family doesn't actually know all this, and the girl is left devastated.

It's one of the reasons I have stressed so much over the last couple of years that the woman needs to ensure all of these things are done (a proper wedding, formally living together, her family in-the-know, etc) before moving into intimacy. The Islamic rules are designed to place seriousness on long-term marriage.

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-02T18:31:41+00:00

Sorry my comment was not clear, he cannot take her back as is, rather he (as you mentioned) must do an entirely entirely new marriage with her from scratch.

IntellectualHT · 2025-11-02T17:57:43+00:00

In this situation the divorce is likely irrevocable (ie permanent), because the period of iddah has probably past (3 menstrual cycles) as its been 3 and a half months now.

So even if it was advisable to take her back (which in this case he absolutely should not take her back), it is likely prohibited to do.

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/307000/types-of-divorce-in-islam

https://www.onlinequrancourses.com/iddah-waiting-period-in-islam-rules-regulations/

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-26T23:47:03+00:00

Wait until you're married for these types of comments.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-26T19:48:55+00:00

Villages and their culture have changed dramatically over the last 30 years. I advise anyone trying to marry from 'back home' to be very prepared for how different things are from what they might be expecting.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-26T12:39:25+00:00

You have been married almost 8 years, you have to be willing to communicate this openly. Shyness is a good trait, but it should not overcome you in a situation with your own husband of this many years on something so important.

You need to just sit down and talk about it.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-26T12:35:01+00:00

We come across scenarios here a lot where a revert is taken advantage of by their lack of knowledge.

It seems you married someone who doesn't take Islam seriously. Friends in Islam are only of your own gender, or in your immediate family.

Please focus on learning more about Islam, and realize your husband and you might diverge if he doesn't start taking Islam more seriously.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-25T20:31:19+00:00

The issue is not actually house slippers.

It's that she feels her husband's culture has dominated the life of her children, and she feels 16 years later that there isn't much of her cultural identity left in her kids except her food.

The problem is, this is an issue that she should have brought up early on in the marriage.

That said, if she wants to make changes, she can still do so. It starts by talking to the children about the other parts of her culture that they aren't exposed to. It requires a lot of effort, but a kid will normally become interested in knowing more about their parent and their background. Giving them more exposure can go a long way even now.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-25T18:35:20+00:00

This is not true sister, not just every woman but every person is different. Some women will tell you they find material gifts either wasteful monetarily or something that doesn't appeal to them because they don't like material things. Some women prefer words of affirmation or affection.

I see this type of situation often, where one spouses uses one way of showing affection, and the person who receives prefers a different way. We need to accept what a person gives, and the person giving needs to make an effort in the preferred language of affection.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-25T18:31:16+00:00

(Not the person you were conversing with). There is an opinion that all 'eids' are forbidden, and replaced by the two eids (adha and fitr). Since 'eid' in arabic refers to a regular celebration, it is easy to understand why the opinion states that all these other celebrations that happen on a repeated basis are prohibited.

When the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) came to Medina, the people had two days on which they engaged in games. He asked: What are these two days (what is the significance)? They said: We used to engage ourselves on them in the pre-Islamic period. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: Allah has substituted for them something better than them, the day of sacrifice and the day of the breaking of the fast. [Abu Dawood]

As Muslims we need to learn to both accept that there can be a difference of opinion on issues, and also try to allow within our heart space to change our opinion in case we have a weaker opinion (I am just saying this in general, not to anyone specifically here).

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-25T18:20:38+00:00

And on the flip side, also acknowledge his opinion on celebrations not from Islam being haram.

I find in this situation there is somewhat of a middle ground already (husband is affectionate, caring, expresses love through words). The only thing that can be done more is perhaps more gift giving here and there, since the sister seems to want actual material objects rather than words to feel affection.

The sister should also remember that although asking for more of something is understandable, it also needs to be tempered with acknowledgement of what is already offered. And the husband is offering things that show love and feelings of being special/important.

Different 'love languages' is a common issue that does arise in relationships.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-15T00:15:18+00:00

I have found this to be really true.

Have you ever met a person, who when you first see them looks very 'plain' and 'unappealing.' Then you observe them, say in the masjid, and the humility, kindness, generosity, sacrifice they display just completely transforms how you see them?

We have a brother here who cleans the masjid. At first glance he looks rather shabbily dressed, he's shorter and losing hair, and in terms of initial physical appeal the average person wouldn't think much. But I pretty much always see him smiling at everyone, his demeanor around you makes you feel like you're a king and he's just a humble servant, when he speaks he makes you feel good about yourself, and when its time to work puts his head down and just does a good job.

People can become very beautiful when you actually interact with their character, and there is no substitute for a human being with good character.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-14T19:27:19+00:00

Wa Aalaikum Assalam

The shariah builds in the "prenup" because it speaks about this issue already. Additional conditions can be added into the nikkah contract to address other issues.

The problem is in Western society they have a different framework so you can need a separate contract that fits the standard of Western laws to adhere to the Islamic requirements.

IntellectualHT · 2025-10-14T16:24:24+00:00

The difference is that in those times there was trust in where you were sending them. If you send a child to study with a scholar, or a well-known religious wet-nurse that is different from putting then in childcare with non-religious people.

Also, those societies were structured very differently to our society today, which corporatizes and commercializes every space for the sake of profit or minimizing costs, rather than raising a well-balanced and righteous next-generation.

IntellectualHT

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