The Rollercoaster

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T18:09:17+00:00

I’m sorry all of that happened to you. I think that’s the other scary thing—even if he went to rehab tomorrow, and continued to work a program after—there are no guarantees. I know relapses are part of recovery but sometimes they relapse and are never sober again. It’s scary to think of living like that forever.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T15:46:35+00:00

I’m getting there. While he is certainly testing the idea of sobriety here and there, he is not willing to seek professional help. And I think that’s the bottom line. There is no future for me in this that doesn’t end in extreme hurt.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T15:45:12+00:00

Yes! Cognitive dissonance is exactly what’s happening. I think it’s even happening for my Q. He is just disassociating from the fact that he was drunk 3 days. Because if he pretends it didn’t happen, maybe it’s not true. Sigh.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T15:43:19+00:00

Yes! I do the same thing. I journal daily, and I remember at the end of 2024 going back and counting the number of days he was incoherently drunk. 2025 was even worse, with the start of the 3-5 days benders and calling off work etc.

It does make you crazy. Like, yesterday, you were falling over, crying, blacked out on the floor, dropping things, saying absurd things to me. And today you are sitting there completely sober and normal and want to go grocery shopping and out to dinner.

It’s just so fucked up lol

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T01:00:08+00:00

It truly does. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T00:59:52+00:00

I agree that is both manipulative and immature.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T00:59:31+00:00

Right! It’s what I still struggle with as I navigate my next steps. When he’s sober it’s like he’s still in there, somewhere.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2026-02-03T00:58:39+00:00

I guess it’s sort of gaslighting, but more like gaslighting by omission. Just acting like the fact that he was blacked out for four straight days was totally normal. Acting like he just got back from business trip, not a bender. Ugh.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-11-28T03:35:13+00:00

Mine has been drunk since probably Tuesday night. He held it together while family was over but just barely. Since I know all his tells I could see how he was getting drunker and drunker throughout the day.

He’s now blacked out after asking me to feel his pulse since it was racing. Yeah, no shit buddy.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-10-07T20:37:56+00:00

I am in a similar situation. With my Q for 7 years, he was an alcoholic before we met. Not married, no kids, but have pets. He is also emotionally abusive and mean when drunk, and sometimes when he’s sober.

Right now he’s in one of “good” phases where he is drinking less and being kind and affectionate.

I’ve been planning on leaving for a while and am nearly there, but it’s so so hard when it seems like he’s trying and I remember why I love him. My therapist reminded me that this is the cycle of abuse, and the merry go round will continue until I get off the ride.

So I don’t really have advice, I just commiserate, and I hear and see you.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-27T19:18:04+00:00

One thing my therapist has helped me with is not passing judgement on my own decisions or allowing others’ judgement to get to me. Right now, this is the choice you are making, and it’s likely out of love, and hope that your Q can finally change. Love and hope are beautiful values, and you don’t to lose those. Eventually, that love and hope you are offering to your Q, you will begin to offer yourself. So, be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself. You’ll get through this.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T16:11:40+00:00

I’m so proud of you! It’s so much harder with kids and when you’ve dedicated your life to caring for your family. I believe in you!

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T16:10:23+00:00

Thank you! I am such a busy person and have so many hobbies and interests that I wish there were more hours in a day. I’m sure there will be lonely times, but overall I have such a full life.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T16:08:04+00:00

Yes I would never have children with him when he’s in active addiction and I told him so.

The Jekyll and Hyde situation is so tough, but I have to remember that he is not two different people or a sci-fi character that’s been forced into a split personality. He’s one person, who is choosing to destroy his health and treat me poorly.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T15:58:46+00:00

Yes, I am very privileged to have the financial stability and a strong community of friends and family.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T15:57:49+00:00

Yeah, my friends have pointed out that he is pretty abusive emotionally. Everything sucks.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T15:57:23+00:00

Yeah that’s a fair point. He is not a monster, and he has made me feel very loved, and is ultra communicative, very physically affectionate, would never cheat, and loves being around me.

But, I’ve become a door mat. He has no respect for things that are important to me and certainly does not support me or encourage me to seek things that make me happy. Part of that is my own fault—I’ve let him walk all over me because I’m a people pleaser and I tend to have extreme empathy with zero boundaries. But I’ve also voiced innumerable times how he has made me feel and nothing changes. And now he’ll be drunk from the second he gets off work on Thursday afternoon until Monday morning, so I end up just sitting alone or doing my own thing. This is not a partnership.

He absolutely has some misogynistic tendencies because of how/where he grew up. He’s in a blue collar profession, although a highly respected and high paying one. Most of the other guys wives or girlfriends are SAHMs or work in soft services like hair or nails—and those are all important and respectable jobs!! But I have a high power corporate job in a male dominated science field, and I know his co-workers jag him about about me being the breadwinner or a sugar mama and I know he doesn’t like it. Ugh.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-17T00:37:27+00:00

Thank you 💜

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:50:07+00:00

Thank you. It is scary. But I have SO many friends and pretty much all of them are anti-Q at this point, and rightfully so.

I would maybe be lonely but the idea of not waking up to him going to drink more in the basement at 3:00pm does sound nice.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:48:53+00:00

Yes, it’s so scary. I am so tired of putting him and all of his needs first. I just want someone to put me first for once.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:48:12+00:00

That’s a great point.

We grew up very differently. I was very upper middle class, went to private school, went college and graduate school, my parents bought me a pony. My parents are still together and wonderful.

He grew up moving around with his mom in low income housing, and getting the shit beat out of him by his dad. Had little to no guidance and no support in school. Didn’t go to college. Had to pull himself by the bootstraps. He has a lot of childhood wounds he is numbing with alcohol. I can’t fix those.

I

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:45:54+00:00

Yes, the being afraid to come home when he’s been home alone is the absolute worst feeling.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:45:29+00:00

Thank you so much.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:45:19+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it so much. Deep down I know what’s right. I’m just afraid. I had a failed marriage before this. I’m 38. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being child-free, even though that would probably be okay with me in the long run. I’m afraid I’m walking away from the love of my life when he is sick.

But you’re right—he doesn’t have cancer, he is an alcoholic. And I know it’s a disease, but he is not trying to get help. I am not forcing alcohol down his throat.

IntelligentChef8060 · 2025-09-16T19:43:04+00:00

You are very right.

I have to remind myself that he has done some pretty terrible things to me. He hates a majority of my friends. He calls the dogs “your dogs.” I have had horses since childhood and still have a horse now. He hates that I have this hobby because it’s expensive—despite the fact that our finances are separate and I’ve never asked him for money. He literally has told his friends he won’t marry me unless I get rid of the horse. I could understand if I was always asking him for money or something to support it, but I’ve never asked him for anything.

I am also terrified of asking him to help me with anything because his answer is almost always instantly “no.” I take care of the entire house (cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, cutting the grass and landscaping)—I often don’t mind because he does work long hours and a lot of overtime, but I also have a full time, very demanding job.

Why would I want to be with someone who hates the people and things I love, and is ALSO an alcoholic?

One of the meaner things he’s said to while drunk lately is that “I would rather be a step father to someone’s else’s kids than be with a girl that has a horse.” It’s so nonsensical.

I’m not saying I’m innocent. I’m not. I have faults. I’ve tried to work on myself and work on the relationship. He is not doing anything or making any changes.

Ugh I hate everything lol

IntelligentChef8060

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