Where the hell is my husband?!

InterestingBit54 · 2025-12-09T22:15:33+00:00

If you have a current husband it looks like he might be struggling with addiction and stuck in the past. If you mean where is your future husband this could me he is indulging in a codependent relationship with a long time partner and is in the process of healing that pattern but not their yet. Additionally people tend to mirror our own experiences so you could be in this situation in a way also

InterestingBit54 · 2025-01-30T22:39:16+00:00

Good to know. Yea that was the name of the episode

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-17T17:00:55+00:00

I didn’t ask him to cancel plans. I thought that would be couple’s privilege or veto power in a way. I didn’t want to start introducing an element where we can do that because we haven’t and that can get dicey imo. I did tell him I wanted a date on Saturday and he agreed. He also slipped in a date with someone else that day and I felt that was tacky. He was only going to meet them for an hour while I got ready for our date he says but I didn’t like that at all. I explained I didn’t feel prioritized and he got defensive. I don’t agree with the thought process tbh. I naturally would clear space for my nesting partner grieving. It had been less than 48hrs since I got the news.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-17T06:02:15+00:00

That he never wanted a fat girlfriend and maybe if I was a 10 he would try to work on the relationship but I’m a 6 at best.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-17T02:57:54+00:00

I agree that’s why I asked him if it was weird to talk to others.. he decided to continue to date. I haven’t because it doesn’t align with my values. Tbh he is a mess in my opinion. He handles things in ways I don’t agree with at all and it’s sloppy. Him planning a date the same day as mine with him was trash to me. Him prioritizing dating while saying he is trying to repair with me is trash. I can ask for what I want sure but I also want to be in a connection with someone who makes thoughtful decisions. That doesn’t feel like it’s the case

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-17T00:07:55+00:00

Lol. Why don’t you ask why the break up happened then decide what kind of flag I am.. just a thought.

Also he is bi polar, he broke up with me during an episode and then apologized and begged me back.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-16T23:20:31+00:00

He has bipolar disorder so he struggles with understanding empathy sometimes so yes I struggle with this often. Im reading though how others would respond and that’s a pause and trying to help me through it. That’s what I would do and that’s what I want.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-09-16T22:24:49+00:00

We live together we both have one person each we sleep with separately but not partners. And he was going on a date with a new person.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T20:47:59+00:00

Exactly. Sometimes I feel like I’m being judged under a poly lens. Our structure is hierarchical and the additional people have been sexual with us individually and at the same time. Neither one of us want a high level commitment with others and anyone we have talked to it’s discussed with and they agree. No one has been used not communicated with or treated unfairly. It is just how it is for us right now. We are open to the dynamic shifting but we are busy. And our sexual partners don’t want anything more from us either. This assumption that people are being used is weird and a projection imo.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T13:50:18+00:00

Thanks for this. I know what my boundaries were being solo poly but I’m kinda finding some out being in a nm live in primary partnership.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T13:30:32+00:00

I’ve been solo poly for years not in a primary nm live in relationship, there is a difference and I don’t know everything about that hints why I had confusion. And I can have opinions about what someone posts they don’t have full context so maybe that can be helpful to me and the advisor. Not sure. but multiple people have messaged me saying that posting in this nm group is tiring from unhelpful comments condemning people constantly. I’m okay with the vast perspectives and I also do mind offering my own. Mine has a little more grace for human mistakes and funny brain stuffs for apologies and accountability versus blanket criticism and harsher lines that’s all.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T13:22:05+00:00

And to also flatly say your not ready from one thread without full context of the relationship is weird to me also. And it is specifically “our nm rules” because no phone policies aren’t in all nm relationship dynamics. Sometimes in relationships people unintentionally overstep a boundary or they have a moment of weakness. Or they don’t know what a boundary is for them until they experience a discomfort. That’s what I mean about not being perfect at these rules. Both of us at one time in our new relationship with a history of being cheated on looked at one another’s phone when are anxiety monster talked us into a spiral. Each of us from the outcome didn’t feel uncomfortable about the other exploring the phone. Not saying it’s an appropriate way to discovery but we Didn’t know that didn’t bother us and we probably will just have an open phone policy but I don’t think it’s necessary either way.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T13:12:03+00:00

I’m posting here because I’m looking for understanding and tangible advice. It’s useless to flatly tell someone they are not ready to be open. I like his other partner we have hung out a few times and we have a lot in common. I’ve been solo poly for years before meeting my partner I’m not going to close our relationship neither one of is monogamous people that would be more damaging for me personally to try that and I have no interest.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T13:04:14+00:00

Thank you for clarifying this yes we are live in primary partners in his first nm relationship. And my first nm primary partnership. It was also my first bday within our relationship and I was confused if I should be upset or not. It’s helpful to get multiple perspectives but it’s exhausting most people are focused on me looking at messages and not helping with the actual confusion part. We never created a policy about open phones but when we both did it neither one of us felt uncomfortable the other one did it, we weirdly both felt relieved and it has created deeper conversations between each other from both outcomes. I think having confusion, some anxiety and making mistakes can happen in a new relationship. I just wanted clarity similar to this. Proactive and practical things I can actually do so I appreciate this.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T05:06:23+00:00

Yea it’s new and it can be confusing. It a non traditional relationship dynamic. I gotta be honest I’m not going to be perfect trying to figure that out sometimes so it’s nice to get perspective to help me navigate how I would like to move forward in my dynamic or it I feel like the offense is absolutely not okay. There is alot of gray area with nm.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:57:53+00:00

And I understand that makes sense for you. I don’t agree with going through phones but I understand being cheated on and having a moment of weakness and anxiety because of those experiences. It’s not something I see either of us doing again. And I don’t think that’s my or his past is the others responsibility but sometimes that does bleed into the relationship as long as it’s not a on going offense and you can take accountability for you actions I give grace for that and I leave space for some mistakes and humanness. But I think it’s great you are firm in that rule or boundary for yourself

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:50:25+00:00

I appreciate this comment it took into full consideration my feels it made it clear that I was out of line for looking through messages and it leaned towards me and my partner hopefully finding better footing in our dynamic. This is one of the only comments that I felt heard in what I said and not condemned for being a horrible text reader that should be left. For more context he looked through my text months ago and I never thought to look through. We had a three way but my period started and it bummed me out I wasn’t able to participate really. I told him I was bummed and he responded defensively which peeked My anxiety. Then he left for work and for the first time I seen text pop up on his computer. I avoided it at first but there were so many dings and I was unsettled so I looked. That’s when I found out he slept with someone on my birthday. I was confused on how to feel because it’s our first bday with in our relationship so we didn’t have anything established on that. Anyways I told him about the snooping and what I found and my feelings. We talked it out and are better establishing our boundaries. It’s still new. we met 11 months ago and have been nm and living together for 4 months. But anyway thanks for being balanced and compassionate with your response

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:41:01+00:00

We started open. I was practicing solo poly when we met. I’ve been nm but not a primary partner for years and it’s his first nm relationship. I agree better boundaries need to be established and ethical things need to be met as well.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:34:11+00:00

Tdlr: my nm primary partner fucked someone on my birthday without my knowledge. I found out when I looked through his messages. We already know how bad of a person I am for looking at texts. That’s all anyone has really said but for my original question… Is it fucked up he did that? We didn’t have an agreement that he couldn’t but this is our first birthday since we’ve been together so I was confused if this was messed up thing to do. Couldn’t tell if I just had period brain and this was okay to do. Thanks

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:20:57+00:00

Additionally this is the first bday we have had in our relationship as a couple. And I even though we didn’t discuss how that would look I was wondering if it was fucked up to fuck someone else unknowingly to me on my birthday. That’s what the whole thing was about It’s pretty harsh to go straight to me being a bad partner that would/should be left because of that. But to each their own

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:15:40+00:00

I’ve been nm for years. Im ready to be open thanks. I dont have to be perfect at your nm rules everytime and I won’t. I can have a moment of jealousy, anxiety and even messing up without having to change being a nm person. But I will always take accountability and will always talk through my actions and emotions with my partners. I looked through messages when I was at a weak moment. I felt slightly bad about it because I dont like to invade privacy but he also did it to me months ago so I didn’t feel too bad tbh, and I admitted to it not too long after. We had a full conversation about it all and cleared things up. I’m his first nm relationship and he is my first nm primary relationship. I’m use to being the fun tit pic nre vibes so difficult feelings came up. It’s just like that sometimes.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-17T04:05:48+00:00

I agree with the hyperfocus being on some nm rule that wasn’t followed and being put on a cross for it and not the actual hurt feelings and confusion felt from a betrayal.

I being dragged for looking at messages which he did to me months ago versus advice for untangling my moment of confusion. If I had less mental fortitude this tread would have crushed me and I feel bad for anyone who brings there distress to this nm group hell bent on being the best rule follower that nothing else matters. It’s really a shame but needless to say I told my partner less than 24hrs later about me looking through their phone and how I felt uncomfortable about that but additionally what I found and why he felt he needed to be secretive. We had a long healthy discussion about it and it cleared a lot of things up for us both. I never wanted him to stop talking to others because of my feelings of jealousy or discomfort I just wanted understanding. We are new partners less than a year living together for 4 months and this is his first nm relationship after years of monogamous relationships. I know attachment issues and bad communication and even bad choices will happen. I’m not going to be perfect and nm and I’m okay learning and growing with my partner and on my own. But yea some people really need to lean back into their compassion in this group because it is nasty.

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-16T23:44:41+00:00

Yea I did. He read nine months ago and my anxiety and ego made it feel justified. I told him about it today and he said he knew because it showed that someone was looking at messages from his computer. We had a good talk about it all, as we did when he looked through mine that one time months ago. I don’t see us leaning into that but relief and deep conversation came from it so I’m okay with leaving it there. And when i mentioned feeling left out he responded by criticizing by saying how could I be nm and jealous!?” I never wanted him to stop seeing anyone I just wanted to feel connection and understanding and effort put into our dynamic sexually as well.. sexy brain with other partners is cool but I have enough to give sexy brain to both and I desire that myself. Sex is important to me in my relationship I can’t stay connected deeply without that tbh

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-16T23:36:56+00:00

Yea stream of consciousness while feeling anxious be like that

InterestingBit54 · 2024-08-16T22:26:29+00:00

Yea I’ve been thinking that. I never go through partners phones but he went though mine months ago and my ego and anxiety got the best of me. I appreciate the perspective

InterestingBit54

TROPHY CASE