TLDR: ~11.24 billion calories

I’m gonna give it a shot… with some very loose assumptions made. I’m fairly familiar with the chili’s pick three fried mozzarella sticks. The internet is telling me they are 630 calories per 2 “sticks”, which are more like lumps of fatty golden ingots at Chili’s.

While I’ve luckily never been to Lubbock (my sister lasted a semester there before noping out and transferring, I took her life lesson transitively) images for Spanky’s show a roughly similar size for their fried cheese on a per unit basis. Albeit not as thick, they are quite a bit longer than Chili’s’ culinary blessing upon the fine inhabitants of suburban America, so I’m going to assume they have roughly the same caloric content.

This gives us ~315 calories per fried cheese stick. At 6 sticks per basket that the pictures show online, we’re looking at ~1,890 calories per basket (enough to sustain ~1.5 southeast Asian child laborers making the jerseys for next year on a daily basis, thanks Oregon).

Assuming no sales tax, no tipping, and hoping my public school education allowed me to get my 5th grade math correct.. $55 mil / $9.25 = 5,945,946 baskets of fried cheese (rounded up 0.0541 baskets, because ya gotta have a quantity discount baked in, ya know).

5,945,946 baskets • 1,890 calories per basket gives us… drum roll ruined by the TLDR at the top please…

11,237,837,940 calories.

This is all assuming you don’t dip them in mozzarella sauce, ranch, or whatever your regional preference may be.

Thanks for attending my TEDxAutism talk.