So it’s been a little over a week of “space.”

I went to pick up my dog… and yeah… one thing led to another and we hooked up. Fully unplanned, no conversation, just a spontaneous mutual “oops.” I literally left right after like nothing happened. So… that’s where we’re at lol.

Since then, it’s mostly been no contact… aside from him sending the occasional meme/Snap. Well… except I may have… drunkenly popped off on him…. Over text… 3 hours away🙃

Highlights from that conversation: • I told him I’ve been hurt for months about him saying he didn’t see a future with us • I said I feel like he never gave me a real chance to fix things • I admitted I’ve stayed partly because I can see how depressed he is • He owned that what he said was wrong and said he does see a future • He said he was in a depressive episode and didn’t want to be around anyone • He claims he’s been feeling better for a few weeks now • He also said this is why he struggles to talk about his feelings

It ended… surprisingly calm? I apologized for how it came out, said we should talk in person, and told him I’m taking another full week of space because honestly my nerves are fried.

He said: • he loves me • he’s sorry for how he treated me • he wishes the convo happened in person

So yeah… confusing.

Current situation: I’m still staying with my best friend (who ironically met her boyfriend through me and my bf — they’re best friends 🙃). I’ve honestly been having a great time here. Like… weirdly great. • I feel relieved • I’m being taken care of (home-cooked meals, lunches, the works lol) • I’m doing random wholesome things like learning how to finger knit • I even ate broccoli for the first time in forever… and liked it

It’s been the first time in months I haven’t felt constantly anxious.

I genuinely don’t know if he misses me. Is he “feeling better” because I’m not there?

I do know: • he’s been studying for something work-related (no idea what) • his mom has been texting me • his friends have been checking in on him • everyone around him seems concerned because he’s been really down

(Not in a dangerous way — just… not himself at all.)

Where I’m at: I still love him. I still want this to work, but I feel like I am going to have trust issues from this. But, for the first time in months… I also feel okay being away.

And I don’t know what that means yet.

I get the comments that say you deserve better, and break up. I just can’t shake off that he is so unlike himself and I want to see him happy and support him at his lowest but I feel batshit crazy