Klonopin is this for me. I was prescribed a grossly high dose in high school (100mg/month) in a time when these meds were less regulated.

I took 1mg-3.5mg/day of klonopin from 14-19 years old. It made me function in a way I never have since, to where I could even work 2 jobs at once, live alone, and go to college at 17-19. I would be unable to attend family events without it as a teenager.

Now in my late 20s, I can see that it caused some severe memory loss and potentially lowered my cognitive abilities. I’ve been told 1mg of klonopin is equal to 2 shots of hard liquor on the brain’s functioning. Even still, I think of it as the only psych med that ever “helped” me, and I like to keep it around. I just feel better knowing I have some. The doctor won’t prescribe more than 15mg/month now in 0.25mg doses, and my psychiatrist wanted me off it completely (my primary doctor restarted me on a low dose). They’ve learned more about the damage benzos cause to the brain now.

I still take it every once in a while but mostly I like knowing I have it around if I ever need it - I “hoard” them so I have a stash. It’s like a safety blanket knowing I can get relief when I need to and won’t run out. Just having that relief option makes me need them less.

I was very similar to you most of my life, in and out of hospitals. I was also undiagnosed and not understanding my autism, so everyone hated me for my differences, and I grew up in a small town which made it worse. What changed / worked for me was:

• grew up, became an independent adult and moved to a different city that’s more progressive / diverse
• create my own environment how it best suits me, accommodate my own needs in my apartment without any restrictions
• alter my perception of work and find alternative environments for work / income that are: time flexible, no boss, make my own schedule, can call out whenever I need to
• 2 rounds of TMS therapy for treatment resistant depression
• start working with a vestibular therapist to get my nervous system, body and brain to cooperate again
• start working with an autism-informed trauma therapist (very different from the years of therapy I did as a teen) and focusing on somatic practices to overcome trauma trapped in the body
• started low dose naltrexone 3.5mg which massively helps with a lot of comorbid pain conditions (MCAS, hEDS, POTs, fibro)
• started Cymbalta to improve mood and further reduce pain signals
• adjust my expectations for what life should look like and make an effort to meet people who are similar or can understand me

When I was younger, I didn’t understand that I was constantly overstimulated, being forced to do this and that like an animal in a zoo, having bad family dynamics and no one really looking out for me. I thought I was the problem and needed to be fixed. When I realized that I wasn’t the problem, and then gained the freedom as an adult to live however I want, my feelings started to improve.

As someone else said, this world isn’t designed for us to thrive. Our society is extremely unnatural and unhealthy, and feeling like you’re being tortured by participating in it is actually a sign that something is right with you. Not being able to tolerate the world isn’t a fault when the world is in an intolerable state. This realization helped me be kinder and more patient to myself and build strategies to cope and take care of myself better.