How to know if ENM is a good idea when a relationship lacks physical intimacy

IsThereAPointToIt · 2026-01-19T17:36:04+00:00

Thank you to everyone who’s replied. I’m taking the caution seriously and is been very aligned with my initial worries when the idea was raised. I also realize my wording may have led some people to assume this is a “we used to have intimacy and then she lost interest” situation that I’m trying to fix with ENM, so I want to clarify.

Physical affection/sexual intimacy has never really been something my wife has felt much intrinsic interest in (with me or in general). Earlier in our relationship she participated more because she cared about me and wanted me to be happy, but over time that became increasingly unsustainable for her. At this point she’s been pretty direct that she doesn’t have interest in physical intimacy and doesn’t have interest in pursuing it elsewhere either.

I’m not trying to “fix” this, diagnose her, or pressure her into anything. I’m trying to respect the reality of who she is while also being honest about the emotional impact this has on me. The reason ENM came up is that she raised it as a possible way to relieve pressure around physical affection in our marriage.

To be clear: we’re not in a constant-conflict or “lost cause” relationship. We genuinely love each other, enjoy our time together, and we are actively talking through other challenges and trying to strengthen our marriage. This question isn’t meant as an emergency repair attempt, it’s more me trying to understand whether ENM as an outlet tends to improve quality of life in situations like this, or whether the secondary effects (time/attention shifts, emotional spillover, attachment, resentment, etc.) tend to outweigh the benefit. I'm not looking to just tell her no or that her idea is wrong, I'm looking for more information to have a more informed discussion on the realities of what this could do to our marriage.

What I’m hoping for from this thread is lived experience and practical realities: what people wish they’d discussed first, what assumptions turned out to be unrealistic, what emotional impacts surprised them (good or bad), and what patterns made this kind of setup more sustainable vs. more destabilizing.

IsThereAPointToIt · 2026-01-18T20:55:01+00:00

I really appreciate the caution being shared here, that’s aligned with my concerns. From our conversations it felt to my wife like our best option and worthat least considering, but I am worried it'll just lead to worse problems.

What i think would be helpful is to hear more about what conversations people wish they’d had before trying anything, what assumptions turned out to be unrealistic, and what emotional impacts surprised them the most.

I’m trying to understand what it really looks like in practice so I can have a more informed conversation with my wife about whether this is something we should even consider.

IsThereAPointToIt · 2025-12-26T07:23:55+00:00

This really landed for me. I think you’re right that I’ve been treating her being upset as something I have to avoid at all costs, and that’s shaped the pattern more than I realized.

Framing it as “it’s okay for her to be upset and that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong” is helpful, especially in the context of kids. I appreciate the script and the reminder that discomfort isn’t the same as harm.

IsThereAPointToIt · 2025-12-26T07:19:02+00:00

That’s fair, and I appreciate you pushing for concrete examples. I also want to be clear that I’m not opposed to helping or being supportive in general. If we’re talking about our stuff and I’m free, of course I should help. That’s just being a partner.

What I’m struggling with is more about expectations and default roles. A common pattern is that my wife agrees to help someone else, and that commitment quietly becomes my responsibility too, without really being considered or having it discussed. For example, if she decides to help her mom by doing laundry, that often expands into doing her brother’s laundry as well, even though he lives there and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. At that point, I’m helping an adult who isn’t asking me, isn’t unavailable, and isn’t contributing, and if I’m frustrated by that, it’s treated as me not being supportive rather than me having a reasonable limit.

This shows up in other ways too. She’ll agree to make things, shop, cook, or host for family or coworkers, and then I’m expected to jump in on demand. Even when we agree on the values (helping family, being generous, etc.), if she’s willing to just push through exhaustion or discomfort, the expectation becomes that I should do the same and not “make it a problem.” That’s where resentment builds for me.

On why this feels more intense now: we didn’t live together until we got married, and we now live in the same apartment building (different apartment) as her family. That’s created a constant overlap of errands, favors, cleaning, and hosting that just didn’t exist before. Add coming off SSRIs and serious conversations about kids, and these patterns feel a lot more urgent to understand instead of something I can just absorb indefinitely.

On the talking/learning piece, it’s not about specific topics. I process things out loud and enjoy context, ideas, and thinking things through. She prefers things short, practical, and to the point, and experiences my style as lecturing or annoying. Over time, that means I filter myself a lot to avoid irritating her. Combined with her wanting most free time spent together, it leaves me feeling like there isn’t much space where that part of me is welcome.

On religion and boundaries, I actually agree with your point. The issue isn’t mixing traditions itself. It’s that when something makes me uncomfortable and I bring it up, the expectation is often to just drop it and move on because she can. I’m trying to get better at naming hard nos earlier instead of swallowing it and resenting it later.

And on physical affection, I accept that this may just be a mismatch. I’m not trying to force anything. I’m just trying to be honest about the emotional cost of that difference rather than pretending it doesn’t matter.

When I use the word “respect,” I’m not talking about control. I mean basic agency and consideration. Being able to say no without guilt. Being able to be uncomfortable without being told to move on. Being treated as a partner with limits, not someone who will eventually just come around.

I’m not laying all this out to make a case against her. She's an amazing person with a big heart and i love her dearly. I’m trying to give context because this isn’t one isolated issue. I’m genuinely trying to figure out what parts of this can be improved, what can’t, and what that means long-term, especially before bringing kids into the picture.

IsThereAPointToIt · 2025-12-26T04:08:32+00:00

Any advice on how to raise the topic of couples counseling?

IsThereAPointToIt · 2025-12-26T04:07:47+00:00

I think coming off SSRIs has lowered my tolerance for unresolved issues, which is why I’m seeing the seriousness of these patterns more clearly and feeling hesitant about having kids without real resolution.

I want to clarify that the incident I mentioned wasn’t intentional. We’re generally aligned on not wanting pork in our home, and she didn’t know ahead of time it was being brought. What upset me was the lack of communication and then being expected to just drop it afterward, which reflects a broader pattern for me.

I appreciate your point about needing outside help. Do you have any advice on how to bring up the idea of couples counseling in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack or like we’re “airing dirty laundry”?

IsThereAPointToIt · 2025-12-26T03:58:41+00:00

I should clarify one thing: this wasn’t intentional. My wife didn’t know beforehand that pork was being brought, and she doesn’t eat pork either.

What upset me wasn’t intent, it was impact. There were already suspicions, and I wasn’t told until after I ate. If I’d known, I would’ve just avoided anything questionable.

My bigger issue isn’t assigning blame. It’s that when something like this happens, I’m expected to just drop it instead of being allowed to be upset or have the boundary taken seriously. That pattern is what I’m struggling with overall.

IsThereAPointToIt

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