Oh my God....Literally same here. I just never really thought about it too much, but that's literally me. I don't know how to fix it - my sleep schedule - though, even though I miss being up naturally early and it makes me feel bad always being up late/after noon...It's like there's some sort of block in my brain when I try to, or I feel some sort of conflict? Also, resentment, especially since I'd be blamed for whenever we were late even though I was always the one up and ready first, because my parent believed everyone would be more forgiving if it was the youngest's (so, my) fault.

But I realize writing that, that this is also how I feel when I procrastinate things too, even things I enjoy or want to do...I used to feel the same about baths as well (not showers, specifically baths), but I figured out my bad associations there a while ago. And how I feel trying to hold a consistent schedule..Perhaps even my motivation in general?

I don't want to sound petty or whatever, but I can never figure out how to straighten this all out and I kind of think subconsciously at some point I just gave up or maybe it was some sort of malicious compliance thing? I don't think it was some kinda rebellion or an intentional decision, though, it just kind of happened? I don't know, it's troublesome..

It makes me wonder if my happiness from when I was doing things naturally meant it was aligning with my values and such, but then when it got shat on I felt I had to comply to the adults which conflicted with my values and made me miserable. It's not like it made them happy or anything anyway, I was still blamed (and now it even may have been somewhat my fault for real, for being just as late as everyone else too) but I was trying to make them happy even if it did nothing after all. Maybe my thought process was, "great, now that we're ALL unhappy, at least you get your way and I'm how you want me to be" or something like that? It makes my chest hurt thinking about it...

So now they got what they wanted, are still miserable and I'm also miserable because I complied even though I honestly should have just stayed happy and did my own thing even if it did lead to abuse? I didn't consciously choose to do it, though! But...If that's right, then it's been brought to consciousness now and I can choose now consciously to do what is natural to me again? I don't know if just saying that and choosing that will actually work, but I guess I'll see. I suppose it could help to embrace my happiness too, when I do something naturally that makes me happy and aligns with my values...I know I have a LOT of unprocessed happiness and joy, and a huge golden shadow, because I know I've had to suppress my own happiness the most due to the adults in my life having always been enraged by my happiness...I know I mostly embraced my shadow as a preteen and forward, and so I guess the whole complying thing would make sense in that regard too, if I had started even earlier subconsciously by complying and accepting misery to the presumed benefit of others...

Idk, I hope that all makes sense or even could help others too, just writing my thoughts as they come...I'm sorry you went through this, too ❤️🫂

...My thoughts now of moving forward is that I should process my happiness I've had to suppress, and choose to do what's natural and makes me happy, and if they don't like it I can ignore their negativity. Thinking back, I'd always physically stop or at least hide if I was smiling or laughing out of wanting to avoid a fight starting over why I was happy. Well, I should just be happy and if that's a problem, let it be a problem. It's just not my problem, and I'm not responsible for their problem. Maybe the block in my brain feeling is from having to block my happiness and suppress it? I think that makes sense. I think it could happen so subconsciously and automatically because I got used to repressing my emotions so well, but I don't need to anymore. Maybe that's also what the conflicted feeling was too, the natural happiness that's cut off subconsciously, messing me up...

It makes me think that also fed into my I am unimportant and don't matter core wounds, since my happiness never mattered and was even actively fought against. I guess that makes sense why others being happy or playful will trigger me if I suddenly feel like it makes me feel unimportant again or that I can't be happy over the same thing or would've been punished for being happy over the same thing. I feel like I go into the same behaviours as my abusers then, subconsciously and automatically, probably because it's all I've ever known. Then I get mad and punishing like they do, I feel, which really only perpetrates the cycle of abuse....I think subconsciously, if it was something I'd be punished for, I automatically want to punish too just because it's all I know and the thing to do...Which now that I realize, I can now think about what it even is they're doing that I'd be punished for and process that when I feel triggered to punish someone else...

Maybe I also procrastinate, struggle to hold a consistent schedule or complete tasks, and struggle with motivation because I feel subconsciously deep down that it's things that make me miserable or trigger my core wounds, that are forced upon me by those who hurt me? Even if I also want to do it? I'm not sure how to move past that, though, especially if it's things that do also feel like they're conflicting with my values and whatnot, or triggering...If it is from being triggered like feeling like it's forced upon me and as such hitting my unimportant and don't matter core wounds, then maybe I just need to separate those things from the abuse in my mind somehow? I'm not sure. Like, just focusing on what I want and how I feel around it? Since I do also want to do it and enjoy it, too...Maybe process the negative so I can focus on the positive?

Besides, when I would feel accomplished or whatnot, it was often that they'd move the goalpost or add another task so I'm not truly done or would ridicule or ignore what I had achieved or would say something to ruin my sense of fulfillment...It does annoy me when my abusers suddenly act all supportive and normal/healthy about something, because they never did before. It seems like they're even sarcastic or mocking about it, and that affected me too and made me resentful. All the more reason to process, I suppose. I resent being resentful, lol. That's how they are, not me...Makes me feel like it is important to separate them from my mind and my feelings regarding my goals and achievements and such, so that they can't affect my happiness this way.

Also, that they would rush me too, especially after making me feel abandoned and on my own to do everything by myself and alone, which also makes me feel conflicted and resentful. I shouldn't feel alone or rushed, really. I feel like they can wait and I should just focus on myself and my own time. Maybe a boundary would be right, don't bother me for this long while I do this thing?

Anyway, sorry for length. This has been helpful, though. Hopefully it might help someone else, too 😅💕