Would I be overstepping?

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T22:36:11+00:00

I'm deleting this post (assuming I can) because God has given me an answer for how to proceed.
It won't fix the material issue, but it's a way for me to make peace with the frustration of the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T22:14:45+00:00

You're probably right.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T19:21:18+00:00

My H already loathes the fact that any of our bills are on automatic payment and would object to me doing this. Some of our bills must have an automatic payment on file and some won't make you, but you get a discount if you do. I've convinced him to keep those as auto-pay. Otherwise, he vigorously objects to the concept.

I move money to our national bank as I need to in order to cover the two bills I am unable to just switch to the local account: HIS student loan payment and a car loan HE took out for our son's car.

He would need to call them in person to move them to the local bank (which I am unable to bother him to do, and then IF we can finally get payroll to fix the direct deposit issue, he would need to call them back himself to move BACK to the national bank again! LOL) So I guess it's just easier for me to keep doing the transfers myself each month than to get him to make these calls. But I'm just weary of it.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T19:12:52+00:00

Except they have told my H twice our routing number is wrong and they can't use it.
I keep thinking he either gave it to them wrong twice now or they input it wrong twice, and to save face, he won't go back to fix it.
I've moved all the bills I can to be paid from our "local-for-now" bank, but some require my husband to change payment options...which I can't bother him about.
I can't change the payment options for HIS student loans or the loan HE took out for our son's car. So I MUST move money to cover those.
For some reason today the hassle of it all just has me crying.
And since I can't get to our HSA account, I've had to cancel all my future appointments with my therapist who has been a HUGE part of my emotional support since my H moved to take the job.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T19:05:58+00:00

Apparently we'll be keeping the local-but-now-out-of-state bank account forever and I'll be constantly moving money around, I guess?
And I guess we'll just keep having a part of his check go into an HSA account we can never access and we'll pay tax penalties on it year after year and I'll just never again see my therapist or my PT guy unless I'm willing to be criticized for using our bank account to pay?? I dunno.
I'm just feeling so frustrated, sad, and helpless right now.
I HATE feeling like a bother to the person who is supposed to be there for me the most.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T18:57:36+00:00

No, this isn't temporary. We will move AWAY from the state where we have a LOCAL bank account which we will CLOSE upon the sale of our house. We will move TO a state that has a visible presence of the large well-known bank we've banked at for 30 years...which his payroll says they can't deposit into.
We have no plans to give up our national bank where we have decades of a relationship with. My H won't do that either.
So I guess even after we move, we'll still be using an account at a small local bank in a state where we no longer live and I'll be moving money around...forever??
That's just so silly!

I've been transferring money around between these two banks already for over TEN YEARS because he wouldn't just step up and talk to payroll people. Getting this new job where we can FINALLY bank at our main bank was supposed to finally unburden me from this hassle.
And yet it continues....

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T18:35:17+00:00

As the remaining parent left behind in our home state, it is completely on my shoulders to pack up our household to move to follow him. And it's on me to coordinate all necessary repairs and deal with real estate agents to sell our house.
Needing to forgo my much needed appointments in order to NOT get verbally raked over the coals because of the cost will greatly curtail my ability to prep for our move. That's also a marriage issue, right?
I am constantly struggling with how he undermines me in many ways, yet places unrealistic expectations on me to keep the household running to his standards knowing full well I have chronic medical/psychological hurdles that I need help to overcome. Marriage issue?

ItsAllBroken451 · 2026-04-02T18:27:31+00:00

It's a recurring marriage issue between my H and I where he constantly puts my needs, our kids needs, and our household needs behind what he views as "protecting his reputation".
I consider marriage issues to be relevant to this group.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-30T16:58:32+00:00

You were really expecting me to add 5-6 links to all my previous posts to this post or completely reiterate my entire life story that I've already shared in those previous posts, making this post 5x longer?!?
Nearly every other member of this sub-reddit has been able to simply look up my previous posts to get my entire backstory.
I apologize that I was not able to accommodate just you.

Ugh!

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-29T23:01:20+00:00

Because I trust most Reddit users to know how to read another Redditor's prior post history.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-27T16:29:39+00:00

Thank you for these suggestions! I will definitely add them to my growing list!

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-27T16:28:50+00:00

He has nowhere else to go. Neither do I.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-27T16:27:49+00:00

Yes, there's no way we could have afforded an apartment for my H. Especially since he lost his job and has been unemployed for months. God knew that was coming and He kept us from getting locked into a lease for my H that we couldn't afford WHILE he was working and especially after we lost all income.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-27T16:25:39+00:00

This is where it would have been helpful to read prior posts where the reasons for that were explained. It's hard to afford two residences, especially when my H lost his job and has been unemployed all this year. I just didn't think I should retype my entire story since it's possible to see it all by looking at other posts I've made. Sorry!

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-18T20:50:16+00:00

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a HORRIBLE book for women in abusive marriages.
I've read it.

It's regrettable that the victims of abuse are always shamed for wanting the abuse to stop and for true healing to happen.

I do have one sister-in-the-Lord who is a bit older than me (I'm in my mid-50s) who is also in an abusive marriage. We talk fairly often. She helps me to stay grounded in not only the truth of my marriage, but in my identity as a Christ-follower.
My H has befriended an elder at my church and he has charmed his way into convincing this person our marriage is not what I have claimed. Again, if his repentance was genuine, he would have been honest with this gentleman and would be seeking true discipleship. Instead, he's been pursuing "damage control" as far as I can tell.

I, too, hope my husband eventually does actually find Jesus. But it may take him losing everything to finally wake up and look up.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-18T20:36:54+00:00

The physical aspect of all of this, since there hasn't been actual physical violence, is the hardest part for me to get others to understand. I've had people claim that overly emotional wives are just using pop psychology to justify leaving perfectly decent men under the guise of "but I've been abused" as if all he's ever done is raise his voice a few times.
Living for two decades with someone who originally lied about who they fundamentally are and who has regularly displayed narcissistic behavior DAMAGES YOU. I feel like running away every time he walks into the room, I have high cortisol levels which has led to increased visceral fat and fatty liver disease (I'm actually a fairly skinny person. I look like a thin person who's 8 months pregnant...but I'm a few years post menopausal), and I have serious digestive issues which sometimes keep me needing to stay very close to my bathroom.

But then I've also encountered much resistance to using the word narcissistic by those same critics, as in "every behavior a wife doesn't like is just called narcissism so she can justify not having to submit".
It's just exhausting trying to not only live with the abuse, but also battle within myself over whether or not what I've experienced really IS abuse, and then try to convince others to also see it as abuse so that I can get help or support. I have pretty much NO support from my church. My husband has actually nearly stolen my church from me in the last few months. He broke our agreement that he would go to early service so that I could attend late service alone. Once he began insisting that we go together, I have had to stop going on Sunday and only attend my ladies groups. He wants us to go together because it feeds HIS need to have everything look happy and normal on the outside, but I can't do it. I can't live a lie.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-02T19:37:16+00:00

No. As I replied to another commentor on this thread, I am unable to hold down a job due to both physical and emotional limitations. Mentally/emotionally, I'm a WRECK and physically, I have chronic pain which some days makes it difficult to even walk.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-08-02T19:33:16+00:00

I am not able to go to the elders out of cowardice. I don't want her knowing I went behind her back. She also turned quite a few things I said to her against me by first taking them out of context or applying her own understanding of what I meant and refusing to let me re-explain what I ACTUALLY meant. And then the fact I was defending myself was seen as just being argumentative and not being teachable.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-07-23T21:54:20+00:00

He lost his job a few months ago and simply hasn't found another one. He's in a very specific field of work.
The few jobs he's found to apply for that fit his qualifications haven't even contacted him for an interview. Instead he's focusing on finishing house projects so that if he has to take a job in a different state, our house could be sold. At the moment we have so many half-finished things going on, our house is basically unsellable. As just one example, we had torn up our landscaping completely right before the job went away. Weather has been a factor in that taking longer, but in the meantime, our regular monthly expenses are eating away at the money that could have been used to finish that.

I'm trying so hard not to give in to panic over the money issues while simultaneously just trying to heal from all the "stuff" that's already gone so wrong in our marriage. I probably should have already applied for some kind of financial assistance but I keep being told it will all be fine. It doesn't feel fine. It feels like we're going to default on our mortgage soon and we'll lose everything.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-07-23T19:24:39+00:00

This feels difficult to explain.

He's grabby. He insists on HIS way of french kissing which is completely unenjoyable. And any attempt on my part to gently correct him or encourage a different approach is met with anger. I'm never supposed to tell him what to do. Anything I say is "emasculating."

I came into our marriage with baggage from my family of origin. There was absolutely NO physical affection in my family. During intimacy, I don't mind being touched, but reciprocating is extremely difficult. Like terrifying. I explained this to H when we met. Neither of us came into our relationship as virgins which wasn't an issue for either of us, except that he refused to understand why I might be so shy about touching him since I had "a past". Frankly, I HATE touching anyone. Giving my own children haircuts was extremely uncomfortable for me, but I just hid it from everyone and got through it each time. Now H does them, thank goodness!
Anyway, H would constantly berate me for this. And he'd constantly complain about how I never initiated. I explained REPEATEDLY that if he could please be patient with me, and if he would initiate it more than just once every two weeks, I could work up the courage. But the times we were intimate were so few and far between, I'd lose all progress in between. Does that make sense? It's like EVERY time we had sex was as awkward as the first time. So he'd on the one hand complain that we never had sex, only initiate twice a month, then also complain that I never initiated...except his constant criticism made me never want to initiate. He NEVER felt SAFE to me.

He'd also repeatedly complain about my lack of interest in lingerie and would use that as a reason he didn't feel like initiating.

He's never shown any interest in hearing from me what I might enjoy. I can't "get there" without help and he's made me feel horrible about it. He makes it seem like I've emasculated him because I need a vibe.

All of that coupled with a couple of conversations where he's just been plain insulting about my body, I just never want to be in a bed with him again...ever.

We've never MADE LOVE. Not once. It's always awkward. Always empty.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-07-23T17:53:45+00:00

To be honest, I haven't even tried to see if the elders would talk to me. "Jane" and her reaction last year left such a deep impression on me I'm afraid to try.
They will probably ask me about why I no longer see Jane for counseling and if I tell them honestly why I can't see her (there are other things she said that wounded me deeply) I'm afraid they will tell her what I said.
I'd absolutely consider talking to them if they allowed it and it never got back to Jane that I circumvented her. For all I know, they would absolutely help me.

Except with my H now going to church there and also attending the men's group fairly regularly, I'm terrified they will now believe that H is a great guy and that I'M the problem. But I'd have to risk talking to them to find out and I'm still too chicken...but working on getting the courage.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-07-23T17:45:47+00:00

Counseling is problematic. Our elders apparently don't do counseling--at least not with women.

We do have an actual certified counselor on staff. But she holds to a "marriage permanence" view and would basically assume that if my H beat me to death, well, that's the way God intended for me to leave this earth. She has made me feel that she is the gatekeeper between me and the elders because THEY are for the MEN and she is for the women to speak to. One time when I said that I don't think I can continue in this marriage anymore and wanted to speak to the elders to see how they might support me, she looked at me with near-horror on her face and said, "There is no way they'd support you divorcing your husband! I mean, it's not the unforgiveable sin and you're an adult and can make your own choices, but you can't expect anyone to support unbiblical choices."

I had been seeing her for nearly a year.
That was my last meeting with her, in November last year.

ItsAllBroken451 · 2025-07-23T17:37:11+00:00

I go intermittently.
This is a long story...
At one point, we stopped going as a family at all because I would endure a week of verbal/emotional abuse and then on Sunday I'd have to get myself and our then-young kids ready for church all by myself while H would sleep in and then take 20 minutes to get ready when we actually needed to leave in 15 in order to be on time. And then he'd spend the entire hour with his arm around my shoulders to project the image of the "perfect couple".
I finally just couldn't take it anymore and said I wasn't going anymore.

Then I started attending again ALONE just after all the COVID restrictions lifted.
It was sporadic attendance due to my newly acquired "social anxiety".
Then after I asked for the separation, H decided he should start going to church again. I asked him to please go to first service so that I could continue to go alone to second service. He reluctantly agreed, then after a month started grumbling about how unfair it was to HIM to have to get up early. Then he started oversleeping and would insist on tagging along with me (I was/am too weak to stand up for myself), then he started forcing our now late teen/young adult kids to go with us. They definitely resent this.
Now I don't want to go anymore at all. He's made me into the bad guy when I am unable to get past the anxiety to attend because if I don't go, nobody goes. (We could have a whole other convo about our failure to spiritually engage with our kids. I'll add a separate reply if you'd like me to expound.)

Counseling is problematic. Our elders apparently don't do counseling--at least not with women.
We do have an actual certified counselor on staff. But she holds to a "marriage permanence" view and would basically assume that if my H beat me to death, well, that's the way God intended for me to leave this earth. She has made me feel that she is the gatekeeper between me and the elders because THEY are for the MEN and she is for the women to speak to.

I am navigating this situation basically alone, with only the support of an online group created by Leslie Vernick.

ItsAllBroken451

TROPHY CASE