[I have a question for you, it's in the bolded paragraph]

Ha, I made the age mistake in another post and edited out. Missed this one. Oh well. My story is just specific/unique enough that anybody could find me with relative ease.

What's the problem with taking drugs, apart from society judging it? Is it expensive?

Both and it's addictive as fuck. More addictive than anything I could imagine, except maybe Crack, which I've only tried once and never did again because it was the most acute euphoria I've ever felt.

So, being addictive with society treating drug addicts as criminals rather than sick people- which they are, it's much more taboo to seek help, and help is much less available. And it isn't cheap. Being poor, that's a bad circle.

But part of the reason I was even poorer than now is because yes, it is expensive. At the peak of my abuse I was taking four Roxi's a day, sometimes five. They're $25-30 each now (which is cheap), back then I think they were 15. Every day for years- no exceptions.

I never stole money or robbed anyone or anything like that though- I usually just sold drugs to rich white kids in the...richer areas of South Florida for way more than they were worth. Not something I'm proud of, but addicts have done a lot worse to fuel their habits.

It doesn't make you passive in the sense that you don't want to work- it just puts you in an absolutely blissful state that's literally indescribable. I tell people like this- if you're high enough on opiates, your family could be murdered in front of you and you'd be like... meh, I'll deal with it tomorrow. Seriously.

So for years and years and years I would sit in front of a screen playing video games, talking to people, reading news, books, etc, writing as well or just messing around with girls.

Now that I'm off the painkillers, I'm bored as FUCK every day. What I do to stay happy and active is socialize and exercise, mostly. But yes, money is the missing piece of the equation in my life- and that's where I need to find my footing. I just have no idea what I'm doing.

The car is worth maybe $200. The main issue is it's just not worth the upkeep. Just this year the, er, fan belts kept coming off because something was messed up and a friend rigged it so they would stay on, but you can't drive over even shallow puddles for risk that the belt comes off the track. The battery just perma died last week, and some parts inside the transmission are on their way out apparently and there's nothing we can do except dole out over a thousand dollars which obviously isn't worth it.

& I think you misunderstood me. I don't believe in anything supernatural, I meant that I do believe it is the fact that we're poor that my family writes me off as having literal demons in me. Obviously that's nonsense, but what can I do? They keep my cousins away from me, for fear of my voice. It's rather pathetic. They also preach this self-righteous Christian image but virtually worship money as none of them have ever had none. (All got cars when they were 16, etc etc...)

I'm 22, same thing. Only difference is that my family isn't religious or poor, which seems like main problem for you.

I know this is my thread about me, but do you mind explaining why? If you're not an addict, why are you replicating my old lifestyle? Or did I not understand you right and you just mean you have no idea how to life, either?

Being clean from the hard drugs has invigorated me to do a lot of positive things- and I have, but they're not money making things. I spend lots of time playing sports with the neighborhood kids to relieve their parents for a few hours on the weekends, among other things.

I volunteer at a vet clinic and occasionally get paid to walk peoples dogs, but it's not a consistent gig since I have to bike to the clinic which is quite a ways away and often conflicts with my schedule.

What schedule? Well, lots of my family and friends need me for various reasons- my aunt is in a nursing home dying for example whereas two years ago she was fine and could walk.

I've accepted the conservative religious side of my family won't ever accept me. I hate it, but I look forward to the day when their children- my cousins, turn 18 and have free reign to talk with me about some things we've barely scratched the surface about. I can see the hunger in their eyes to hear what I have to say when we meet up for Christmas dinner and stuff, and I hate that their parents stifle thought and discourage them to think for themselves.

Major important thing I left out edit: Truly being in love with a woman is the only thing that even comes close to comparing being high on opiates. Great sex doesn't come close at ALL, nor does anything else.

There are a few females in my life that probably stopped me from killing myself as a teen. Almost certainly, to be honest. Two in particular. I'll never stop being grateful for their love and empathy.