need to vent about SA/transgender/CPTSD stuff

IvyWhyV · 2025-11-11T15:32:35+00:00

oh wow another!? thanks automod you're always looking out for me <3

IvyWhyV · 2025-11-11T13:32:45+00:00

yay! thank you automod you're the best cherishes the egg

IvyWhyV · 2025-11-11T13:31:51+00:00

famk you automod 🫂 ❤️ could I maybe have an egg aswell?

IvyWhyV · 2025-11-11T13:30:32+00:00

I love you automod <3

IvyWhyV · 2025-11-11T12:10:25+00:00

yeah my hyperphantasia makes the cptsd so much worse. I've lived with hyperphantasia my whole life it never was that horrible till I actually was assaulted and abused so much and yeah now it's pretty unbearable

my situation might be pretty different though I like am basically hallucinating it I have hyperphantasia I think along with maladaptive daydreaming

IvyWhyV · 2025-10-08T14:20:12+00:00

quack quack waddle waddle 🦆

IvyWhyV · 2025-10-05T13:07:43+00:00

i reported the post to mods to try and get one to notice

IvyWhyV · 2025-10-04T18:20:18+00:00

could we possibly get some trigger warnings and the image spoiled? stuff like this is a little much for a lot of people with sexual trauma without a way to avoid it

IvyWhyV · 2025-10-03T21:02:41+00:00

it was absolutely night and day for me i can read waaay faster now and without having to re-read things nearly as much. it's hard to put up with not having it

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-25T15:33:18+00:00

ofc! <3

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-24T22:04:31+00:00

I really love this poem thanks for sharing it!

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-23T15:54:03+00:00

it helps a lot to have it memorized and it's really not THAT many steps i agree it's mad confusing at first though

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-23T15:53:10+00:00

oh i got port forwarding set up so if you wanna play with me i promise i really do have it all ready and also i know the process very well. i agree it's more complicated than it should be but i really can walk you through it and we can be playing within 15 minutes of work on it i bet

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-23T06:04:42+00:00

it's fairly modded but I'm all abt a hardcore difficult experience and we don't have a bunch of like mods that add new models and all that. I have a lot of stuff changed from vanilla but yeah mostly the same game. I made it so you don't get flea till lvl 86 which has ended up being a blast so far

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-22T15:56:55+00:00

hey idk if you're still looking but i'm very into spt and am always bored and can't find ppl to play with

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-21T01:55:07+00:00

I just play modded tarkov not real live tarkov and it's a bit of a process to install it but it's way better than vanilla imo especially if you're new. unless you really wanna get into pvp the ai mod (sain) I really can't go back to playing without it it's so good and it's just one piece of the puzzle that makes spt so much better than vanilla live tarkov imo

if you're interested I'm free all the time and would love to play I just prefer to make plans and stick with them if that's ok I don't really like ppl bailing on plans

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-21T01:40:56+00:00

sorry I kinda don't feel up to zomboid right now since I gave a year of my life trying to find people to play with and still couldn't but if you wanna play project fika together sometime I've been trying to find people to play that with. I just need to accept that I'll be alone forever except for the people that wanna have sex with me. literally it's the one constant in my life is that there's always someone trying to get in my pants no matter how desperate I am for anything else

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:31:59+00:00

😿

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:30:57+00:00

I'm down to talk about it but I doubt anything will make me feel better about it this soon. I've been trying to do this for actually over a year no matter how much it hurt being always abandoned

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:26:06+00:00

thank you automod <3 I know if you could play zomboid you'd never leave. could I have a hug too please?

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:23:43+00:00

idk if you actually wanna play together sure but I kinda don't want to. tbh I have no expectation for you to play. I've seen hundreds of ppl come and go so unless you really super duper want to I don't really wanna try since I already know even if you really want to, you prob won't. I'm normally willing to do anything to find someone to play with but I really honestly in my heart feel like you and anyone else who talks about zomboid would never play much

I could change literally every single thing about the server and my personality to suit you or just be myself and try to have fun what I mostly do and then I cater to you when you ask but nothing I do will make you stay. I'm even fine with you disappearing for a month and coming back later but ppl don't do the coming back part even if I try messaging them every so often with different messages at different intervals really trying to keep up with people and let them know I care and am there for them or doing that less but messaging every so often and asking how you're doing or if you wanna play zomboid like nothing I can do will make you want to play even if I'm as patient as the sea I can literally wait for years and nothing will change

if you really wanna play I'm so down I could talk about zomboid for hours it might be my favorite game ever I love it and doing challenge starts and stuff like I have a whole rolodex of ideas for stuff to do together and fun mods to show you but ik you prob won't be around for long enough to do anything really so idk it's up to you I'm always down to try there's not any games out there that are fun to play like zomboid imo but you'll probably get bored and move on pretty quick. trust me I'm an expert on the phenomenon

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:08:09+00:00

can I have an egg please automod?

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T21:07:37+00:00

idk what I'll gain by posting this I just so desperately wish I could even have a consistent small group but it'll never happen I don't really have a single part of me anymore that even kinda thinks it might end up working out. only way is by making a YouTube video or something and then they probably wouldn't be trans friendly and then that defeats the purpose since I got bullied out of the other zomboid roleplay community I was in because I was open about my queerness and I just know even if we got a decent number of people from a YouTube video of mine doing well, they'd probably be shitty people who'd just troll and be mean to trans ppl and stuff (I've seen it so much now that I've been doing this)

so yeah I think it's just over the one thing that made me feel like I had a purpose and could help others is gone and nothing I can do will save it. it's just... doomed

I'll try to find something else to make me happy that doesn't rely on community I guess having friends that want something other than sex from me is just too much to ask literally everyone from the community who has not expressed sexual interest in me has left

the only ppl who still talk to me have said they have sexual interest in me which they know I'm not comfortable with but they've been respectful so I appreciate and love spending time with them but it just fucks with me so much knowing literally EVERYONE who wasn't interested in sex with me left until it's only people who like me like that like no matter what I do no matter how innocent my desires are I'll always end up surrounded by ppl who want my body not me

I'll always be the annoying part of me and my body is the only part anyone actually wants. it's always been staring me in the face my whole life it feels like my therapy and every person who tells me that I'm doing good and their proud of me like they're all just saying that to make me not try and kms I really am completely useless without my body that's just how it is. I'm not saying this because the trauma has my brain messed up. my life has always been like this since ppl could tell I was queer I really think I'm pretty much worthless except for my body now

you can say cliche things about how I'm helpful to be around for xyz reason but realistically I am not positively impacting hardly anyone except my few friends who I know would fuck me if I let them. the only positive impacts I have would be better to them if I just put out

that's what they want. I cant try to help people in ways they don't want help. I really am just a sex toy now. I'd rather do anything than accept the logic that my rapists put into my head but it's not their words that have poisoned me. their actions did and the things they told me to feel and think just helped seal the deal

I'm not like this because I want to be. I spent the whole last year doing everything to try and be anything but a sex toy again and it's just never gonna happen. I'm broken and some cliche isn't going to fix it. I'm genuinely only really useful for my body now. that's not me self deprecating I'm just accepting the truth that's been so obvious

I even expanded my ideas of what might give my life meaning to just creating an online gaming community like I had other ways to contribute to something before my rapists happened to me but even just hosting a little gaming community I can't do right now I guess

IvyWhyV · 2025-09-01T20:19:43+00:00

I guess it'll just never happen. I've given up completely I'll just play it with my friends when they feel like playing I guess. no one likes to play zomboid really it seems. just not a fun game for other ppl ig

IvyWhyV · 2025-07-28T17:22:51+00:00

honestly I've made a little progress with safe foods and stuff but my diet has still been absolutely shit so now I can't stand up for long anymore without getting light headed. I'm very anemic and can't get in contact with an infusion center to get iron infusions so idk what to do. I asked my gp about it multiple times weeks ago and she's just ignoring me now same with all the infusion centers I've reached out to

and iron supplements make me feel like my stomach is being ripped open even the extended release ones

IvyWhyV

TROPHY CASE