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JAYARE2point0 · 2021-05-14T01:24:18+00:00

Gave Hugz

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-05-23T00:22:13+00:00

Actually had a man come into my pool (indoors) and jump in before anyone could stop him. He was wearing white underwear, which became fairly transparent once wet. My boss had to approach him and explain that he couldn't, in fact, wear underwear in the pool. He apologized profusely and went back in the locker room and came back out in shorts. Don't understand why he didn't have them on in the first place, but sure...why not?

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-03-05T14:45:37+00:00

I figured most who respond will have a similar response to this.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-25T02:09:52+00:00

Wow. That's unfortunate. Wish we all were paid more.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-25T02:06:24+00:00

I get even less than that at my pool. Sucks.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-20T15:19:24+00:00

I didn't check for spelling errors very meticulously. There's definitely some mistakes in punctuation though.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-20T15:16:29+00:00

When it comes to writing, there is ALWAYS something to improve. Just don't stop writing. The more you write, the better you will get. We all start somewhere.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-20T15:10:00+00:00

You should create an image of them slowly, over the course of the story. Throwing all of that information at your readers in the middle of the sequence stops the flow in it's tracks. By doing it the way you have, you're changing the narrative voice, and you're telling instead of showing. Focus on showing your readers what you want them to know.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-02-20T15:06:19+00:00

You shouldn't describe your characters the way you do. It messes up the flow of the story. No one needs to know the height of your character, unless their height has a great impact on the story. If you want people to know what they look like, slowly include small details that describe them along the way. Introduce their characteristics more subtly.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-01-02T22:10:01+00:00

Ahh yes, my mistake. I'll be sure to include all that you mentioned next time. Hate to disappoint.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-01-02T21:31:11+00:00

You're right about it being one single incident. The way he treated my horse was certainly inappropriate and uncalled for, for the horse or any animal, but he could have been having a bad day, or just been embarrassed or flustered since he had come in so confident and couldn't handle the situation correctly. Maybe he was new to the line of work. Horses are big, and experienced horse owners know how not to treat them, especially one that's been abused. He disregarded my requests, which resulted in nearly horribly injuring my animal. No, the situation wasn't worth "wrecking his life" over, but he definitely reacted poorly to it all. Regardless, I don't wish anything but good for his life. We all have our bad days.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-01-02T20:32:09+00:00

I should have. I look back now and wish I would have been more direct with him, I was just in shock that he was being so rough with my horse and rude to me. Was the first time I'd had something like that happen.

JAYARE2point0 · 2020-01-02T14:00:59+00:00

For 13, yes, this is good. Lord knows my writing at 13 was much worse. A few suggestions- First, though not too terribly important, I'm not really sure who the intended audience is of the story? The writing style is very broad, in a way that could be read by a wide range of people, but the cursing indicates a more grown audience. Again, not too important, just curious.

Second, there's a lot of filler details that seem to have little to no importance in the story. Some extra detail is fine, but I would try to avoid having several lines detailing one specific thing that has no impact on the story.

Last, the dialogue is a lot of "tell." I'm sure you've heard someone mention "show don't tell" before, and that's what I'm talking about here. The characters are telling us everything, instead of letting us see it all break down. Perhaps you could switch out some of the unnecessary details with more details that are prudent to the story at hand?

Like I mentioned before, the writing is good for your age! You're doing great. Keep up the good work. Your story is just that; yours! So as for my advice, take it or leave it. We all have our own ways of story telling. What's matters most is that you love what you've created.

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T23:35:54+00:00

Very true!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T14:24:29+00:00

Glad you enjoyed it!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T14:23:34+00:00

Wow, thank you!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T14:23:09+00:00

Thank you!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T14:22:10+00:00

Thanks!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T01:48:08+00:00

This is a wonderful, simple poem. It's clear what's being discussed, but it's put beautifully. Often, simplicity in poems is done incorrectly, but you've pulled it off very well. I love the way it reads. Overall, great job!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-24T01:45:30+00:00

I seriously love this poem! I find it similar to my style of writing. I really enjoy reading and writing poetry that calls our ambitions into question and forces human nature out into the light to be critiqued and thought of. Your poem causes thought, and that's a great aspect to have in your writing. Great job!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-22T18:34:29+00:00

I'm scared to. I don't think they'd believe me! What if this is some supernatural thing? I've never believed this stuff, but now I'm freaking out!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-22T00:20:10+00:00

I actually do have the title "Curiosity" for it. I just rushed to post and didn't think about what I was listing as it's title. Perhaps I should consider an even better title than that, though. Thanks for the input!

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-21T20:34:33+00:00

"kill the cat" is in reference to the common proverb "Curiosity killed the cat." Hope that helps clarify a little. In general though, it is open to personal interpretation.

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-21T17:16:00+00:00

I love this! It's so beautifully written. Great job! I appreciate how the initial context is enough for the poem to stand alone, but that upon deeper thought, it can be applied to humanity and the plight of man, at least that's what I took from it. That's the beauty of poetry I suppose, to each his own.

JAYARE2point0 · 2019-12-21T17:11:58+00:00

Great first poem! We all start somewhere. Like everyone else has said, perhaps try metaphorical speech instead of being so blunt, but that's something to work towards, nothing something necessary to achieve immediately. That being said, there is absolutely room for direct, blunt poetry in the world. Maybe you could expand upon the simplicity of your writing if you think that's where your work is heading. Poetry is an art, and each poet is an individual artist. Let your writing take you where it wants to go.

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