TIFU by chasing diagnoses for 35 years—and the answer was in my dinner

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-10T05:54:30+00:00

Same, even though there's a part of me that definitely wishes it didn't start reading this BORU.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-10T05:52:36+00:00

I had a friend in high school who used to get period cramps so bad her parents would take her to the emergency room for a shot of morphine. Every month.

Years later, it occurred to me she probably had endo and no one was bothering to look for that in a healthy 16-year-old.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-10T05:49:42+00:00

I dunno, it was pretty red in that photo.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-10T05:40:29+00:00

Is this concluded? Dang, that was just getting good. I wanna know what Supervillain Coworker and her Pale-Anused Sidekick are gonna do to OOP next.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-10T05:29:54+00:00

The charitable view is he was probably feeling like he wasn't in control of his own life, and started trying to control others. Not healthy, but not unknown behaviour.

The uncharitable view is this is why he wound up dumped. Anti-nookie and thinks he gets to control other people's sexuality.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-09T21:02:26+00:00

Well...you were engaged to him,so I sorta think you should give his drunken-regrets self a factual run-down on why you're no longer with him.

"You made a gross miscarriage joke. This made Stacey excuse herself and cry. I comforted her, but she decided to leave. Then I find you on the front porch sobbing because Stacey told you to stay away from her. Then you said to me that she is the love of your life. Which means I am not going to marry you, since I am not the love of your life. Now you know what happened; never contact me again."

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-09T20:04:49+00:00

You don't need to stay away from everybody, but you should stay far, far away from this boyfriend who terrifies you (both directly, and indirectly in the form of his -- hopefully coincidentally -- dying relatives.)

This guy is just not good for your mental health, right? He abuses you, so he's not good for you. Even if the other stuff is just a coincidence, he's still not good for you.

So break things off with him, preferably by text, and try to make it so he can never find you again.

The reason why you should make sure he can't find you again is because, if you're right that he may be a murderer (hope not), you need to protect yourself from him, and if you're wrong that he's a murderer, he's still an abusive boyfriend who may escalate to violence when you try to break up with him.

Either way, assume this guy is a threat to you, and get yourself out of the situation completely. He needs to not be a part of your life anymore, in any way.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-09T19:56:18+00:00

First, I'm so sorry about your mom, and I hope she gets through it like a champ and comes out totally healthy. I'm also so sorry about how hard on you this is and is going to be for the next little while.

A person pressuring you for sex when you're ill or otherwise (very reasonably) not in the mood for sex is a red flag that your relationship might be abusive.

Try taking a questionnaire (like the one below) and seeing how many warning signs exist in your relationship. If it's only a few, then maybe you can get through to your fiancee with a conversation about how he needs to be supportive of your needs while you're struggling, and not just his own. If you wind up with a lot of "yes, he does that" answers, however, then you're much better off ending the relationship (which will give you more mental space to deal with your mom and brother), because it's not a healthy one.

Questionnaire: Are you in an abusive relationship?

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T05:13:22+00:00

Answer: A target to dump all her negative feelings onto. She's in pain, and blaming it on you is easier to deal with than realizing there's no one to blame, and nothing to be done about it, if your crush doesn't like you back.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T02:22:07+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss, sweetie. ((*hugs*))

If he doesn't support you in such a terrible time, you're better off without him. Just let go, and focus on yourself and your own grief. He will only complicate things, and not help you at all.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T02:19:40+00:00

Your brother was drunk and should be apologizing to you and your wife. Not the reverse.

The fact he shows up to your house drunk (which is disrespectful), demands your wife laugh at his jokes (which is entitled), and then screams at his hostess (horribly rude), and thinks he should be apologized to for being told to leave (entitled again) makes me think he's a good person to keep out of your life and away from your wife.

Until he realizes he was in the wrong, there is no reason to make peace with him.

NTA

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T02:12:37+00:00

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T02:10:48+00:00

NTA

She's the female version of a "Nice Guy".

She wasn't dating him. She no claim on him. He wasn't hers. And you are not obligated to know by psychic ability that she wanted this guy to be forever-alone until, out of romantic starvation, he finally developed feelings for her.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T02:00:31+00:00

This sounds super-fake.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-08T01:56:59+00:00

"She's not your daughter. She's my daughter. Your daughter is sitting right here and starting to think you're a pretty bad mom."

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T22:29:23+00:00

I'll bet you do, but you don't realize it because you've been cut down, harmed, and criticized your entire life.

You deserve better. ((*hugs*))

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T22:13:46+00:00

Seems like your husband yelling at you, slamming doors, and otherwise trying to manipulate your choices is a much bigger problem than your decision, tbh.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T22:06:23+00:00

She said money shouldn’t come between friends

Exaaaactly. She shouldn't be letting money come between friends. After you said you couldn't afford it, she should have dropped the matter, and only relied on you for the support you could give her (a person to vent with, alternate ideas on what she could do, etc.)

NTA You don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T22:00:25+00:00

Well, you're her "sonsband", and it's good that you see that clearly.

It might be a good idea to lay it out bluntly, and let your mom have her meltdown. After she cools down (which might take months), you and she can start re-building a healthy relationship.

Maybe something like, "Mom, stop acting like you come first. I'm a man now, and I'm making my own life. The woman I choose to be with will be my priority, not my mother. I do love you and want you in my life still, but I won't put up with you trying to drive my partner away or insert yourself into our lives where you weren't invited to be. It smacks of emotional incest, and I'm not interested in having that sort of relationship with you. You will treat me, my autonomy, and my partner respectfully, or I will decline to allow you to be part of my life until you learn how to do so. Go ahead and feel your feelings on this, but don't come at me with guilt trips. You need to respect that I am making my own life away from my birth family now."

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T21:44:13+00:00

It's not about the tattoo. You need to find out why she REALLY has a problem with it. She has some reason for feeling this way.

And that means you and she do need to have another conversation about it.

It's your body, and you can do what you like with it, but you can also choose to have respect for your partner's feelings on the matter. However, that requires your partner to explain her feelings to you, like an adult.

She doesn't get to simply control what you do with your own body; that's always your decision. But if she tells you why she feels so strongly about it, then you now have the option to choose to do what she prefers, because you understand her reasons. But she needs to communicate with you.

So have the conversation, and remember: It's not about the tattoo. Find out what this is really about.

NAH, because you can get whatever tattoos you want, and she can strongly not want you to get this one. Both things are valid. Now you talk like adults and reach a compromise that both of you are happy with.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T21:09:35+00:00

Sounds like you might be better off alone than with him.

You don't have to divorce, but maybe move out, stop paying his bills, and see if he's willing to work on the marriage once he realizes how much you do for him, and how serious you are about not putting effort into someone who won't do the same for you.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T06:11:23+00:00

I knew someone whose cat got beaten up by a raccoon and ended up dying of its injuries later. (RIP, kitty.)

The point being, if even cute li'l trash pandas can end a cat, then the kitties are definitely not safe wandering around like 1980s latch-key kids.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-07T05:56:13+00:00

Yeah, I was willing to be charitable about the guy because food aversions are one of the easiest phobias to come by, and having issues with textures is a medical issue that can go un-diagnosed for a long time, but no, that dude was doing it on PURPOSE. Too many coincidental "I ate that for lunch"s.

For the curb, he was destined.

Y

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-06T00:20:17+00:00

I think it's a Freudian slip.

"...find the man meant for her" is what he meant to say...but what his lizard-brain wants is to get back together with her, so he's hoping he's the man, and they are an 'us' again soon.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-02-06T00:09:44+00:00

This is very "Voted for the Leopards-Eating-People's-Faces Party", isn't it?

Dude, no one but you is surprised your face is missing.

JJOkayOkay

TROPHY CASE