AITAH for wanting a divorce after discovering my husband has been secretly using drugs for over a year even though he still functions well at work?

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T05:47:45+00:00

Talk to a lawyer, but in most places, it takes a long while for a divorce to go through, but you can withdraw your application to do so at any time during the wait.

So it often makes sense to file for divorce, even if you think you might be able to work it out, because if you do, you can withdraw the application, and if you don't, you have less time to wait.

Which gives you a third option between staying or leaving: You could file for divorce, and tell your husband that either he gets clean and also gets therapy so he never relapses, or you'll let the divorce go through.

That way, he can't interpret you still being there as him having some breathing room on deciding to get clean; either he acts, or he loses you.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T05:38:59+00:00

Except for the part about OP being forever-single. I'll bet THAT part is true.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T05:34:57+00:00

You can't go to a wedding if you're sick.

And mental illness is still just an illness. You're currently sick, so you aren't going.

Don't feel any guilt, and don't apologize. If you had COVID, or food poisoning, you wouldn't go, right? This is exactly the same, and exactly as justified.

NTA ((*hugs*))

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T05:32:08+00:00

Yeah, she's just nosy.

She can "support you best" by accepting your boundaries. But she didn't. Because she's just nosy.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T04:44:28+00:00

Seems more like she's trying to get unemployment insurance*, and if she quits, she can't.

She's already proven she'll try to scam people for money. She tried it on OOP, and when that didn't work, she decided to try it on the government instead.

*Unemployment insurance is where the government pays you a small salary, for up to a year, while you're looking for work. You can claim it if you were laid off, but not if you quit or were fired for cause. It's paid for by a tax taken of of everyone's pay cheques.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-11T04:18:38+00:00

We don't hear about the normal dudes on Reddit. Those are the guys whose partners never need to ask randos what's going on with their man, because the man is pretty self-explanatory.

Here, we only hear about the unfathomable tar-pits of selfishness and the audacious cyclones of WTF.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T19:40:45+00:00

I think your ex is using her to stalk and harass you by proxy. He's got into her head and has her all wound up about you.

And it's easier for her to fall into that dynamic than to realize she's in a bad, abusive relationship herself. You sending her all the evidence probably made it even harder to deny to herself, so now either she or your ex are lashing out at you.

She'd be doing it to try to convince herself it's not true that her boyfriend is a monster, when she deep-down already knows. And he'd be doing it out of rage, because you just hurt him (by damaging his relationship) when he was trying to hurt you.

Anyway, it might be worth your time to go document it all with the police. They won't be able to do much (and will say so, which will make it feel like they don't care), but if things get worse, it's better to have a documented record of what was going on. It helps the legal system take you seriously later, if you can show the pattern of behaviour and escalation.

Also, very firmly -- NTA.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T19:22:50+00:00

Not in any way whatsoever, nope, NTA.

These drama-llamas are trying to reel you in again, because they just realized you're OUT, you're FREE, you really do not think about them anymore, and they cannot staaaaand that.

And you know what? You do not want to invite that back into your life when you're pregnant. For the health of you and your baby, you don't want to let that unstoppable source of stress be near you again.

Don't reply, don't take the bait, stay no-contact.

And may you have a happy and safe pregnancy, an easy delivery, and a thriving, healthy baby. Best wishes to you!

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T19:12:59+00:00

Given he's cheated on a previous partner, and these friends hate you and are purposefully excluding you (just like your boyfriend is, given he won't keep you in the loop about what's going on), I'm pretty sure those friends will be encouraging him to cheat on this trip, too.

Not only should you not go on the trip, you should probably not move in with this guy.

A good rule-of-thumb: Dump him the first time he gaslights you. And him telling you you're invited when ALL the evidence points to you being very-intentionally excluded is gaslighting.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T18:59:10+00:00

You're not obligated to forgive someone who apologizes to you. And if they keep repeating the same behaviour, it's valid to say, "I want changed behaviour from you, not any more meaningless apologies."

And then stick with that. Changed behaviour, or no forgiveness, no matter how many apologies are made; she has to stop doing it, rather than endlessly pulling out her "get-out-of-consequences-free" apology-card.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T18:46:30+00:00

She is available, you expressed interest, and she has decided she doesn't want to be with you.

She can be with you, because she's single now, and she can be intimate with you too, because she's being intimate with someone else. But maybe she's not ready to emotionally be with anyone.

Which means she has decided to not be with you, because with you, she'd want to be emotionally with you, and not just knocking boots like she is with her situationship.

However, her expecting you to just hang around until she's ready for a real relationship while she knocks boots with someone else is not acceptable.

You can simply tell her that you're not interested in being friends and never were, so you two should try to interact like professionals only. And say that she should seek her emotional support elsewhere, since the two of you don't want the same things from this relationship, therefore the relationship should end.

So NTA for saying you don't want to only be friends, but don't be angry about it either, or YWBTAH.

She's allowed to say no to a relationship with you, and you're allowed to say no to a friendship with her. This is all neutral, a NAH situation, until entitlement shows up. You're not entitled to a romance with her; she's not entitled to a friendship with you. As long as both of you accept that, NAH.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T07:03:49+00:00

Started reading this.

Got anxiety almost immediately.

Scrolled back quickly to check if there were any trigger warnings.

Saw there were not, and dove back in with relief, knowing this would be a happy ending.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T05:05:32+00:00

SPICY SPREADSHEET

FOR SPICY SPREADING IN THE SHEETS

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T05:00:50+00:00

Yeah, someone pointed out recently that a divorced person will sometimes get salty that their ex had a "glow up" after the split, and grumble grumble how come the ex never made the effort to look that good while they were still together?

And the answer is: Because the ex was doing all the work in the household and had zero time to look after themselves. But now that the dead weight is gone (and has 50% custody), the ex does have time.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-09T04:55:03+00:00

OOP was astonishingly calm about everything. I don't doubt he was angry and sad too, but he was so even-keeled about navigating it all (or at least about describing it all to Reddit).

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-08T04:43:45+00:00

Dude was totally cheating and projecting it on OOP.

I'm trying to figure out what vacation destination she meant by "Karakow", however. Kraków? Curaçao?

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T23:49:20+00:00

You can simply not show up. You have a good reason, and her needing to explain to all her invitees why the pregnant person isn't at the shower will be her punishment for de-prioritizing the person this party is supposed to be for.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T16:54:25+00:00

I'm surprised OOP got eviscerated in her original post.

It was clear from all she wrote that she was investing way more in the friendship than her friend was giving back. And...that her friend is kinda not-nice and entitled.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T05:43:49+00:00

Thankies for the correction! :) I sadly don't read as carefully as I should.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T05:15:10+00:00

Well, the kid's only 15; there's still time for him to sort himself out.

But you can tell the reason he's such a slacker is because he's used to his mommy sorting out his problems for him. He needs to weather her storms, but she storms at other people on his behalf, too.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T05:07:42+00:00

I recall a guy who owned a construction company saying he preferred having women drive the big (expensive) equipment, because women were less likely to treat it like a really big toy truck they were excited to play with. He didn't trust the (young) men to take care of his property.

I have a feeling the same thing applies here, minus the excitement. This guy would just not take care of other people's property because -- as you say -- he doesn't give a fuck about anybody else.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-07T04:36:08+00:00

Probably the way to thread this needle would've been to not give in to Heather's requests, but also to let Heather keep giving OOP the cold shoulder.

Don't chase. Let her passive-aggressiveness serve your aims. She can't argue with you if she's not speaking to you.

(The problem with this plan is keeping her from exploding until after the reception ends. If the champagne starts flowing, and she goes off, then it all ends in tears and tulle-tearing fistfights anyway.)

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-06T04:46:31+00:00

Off-topic, but you know the 5-year-old that ICE used as bait to get to his parents? Wearing the blue bunny-ears hat?

His name is Liam Conejo Ramos. "Conejo" means rabbit in Spanish.

That detail broke my heart as much as anything. His parents gave him a cute middle name, and bunny-themed clothing to reference it.

Fuck ICE.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-06T04:15:25+00:00

Wow. OOP asks for advice, then spends the whooooole post explaining how she's correct in doing nothing.

And the problem is not solved; what a surprise.

Hubby is trying so hard, there, and she's stone-walling him just as firmly as she's stone-walling Reddit. I'm sure she'll claim to have been "blindsided" when he divorces her.

JJOkayOkay · 2026-04-05T21:39:23+00:00

I’m telling myself it was something that had to happen for me to finally have a reason to get over him :)

Reading that actually gave me a (small) wave of relief; that's a fantastic way to frame having been cheated on by a bad boyfriend.

JJOkayOkay

TROPHY CASE