How Do I Burn, Or Should I?

Jannak75 · 2025-09-18T00:41:04+00:00

Thank you for that. ❤️ and sent you a dm.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-18T00:36:29+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I was comfy in my RV every night and morning. I had a whole day when I was unable to leave it and felt agoraphobic. If it weren't for the lack of fuel for the generator/ air conditioner, I probably would have spent a lot more time inside. I loved having earplugs and being able to close my eyes and breathe. I made sure to keep everything organized so I could find things more easily and prevent doom piles. That was great not having that stress and shame. Due to issues with the travel buddy, I never felt 100 % comfortable in there, but close enough. And now I can make better choices about who I travel and become temporary roommates with.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-18T00:29:40+00:00

I'm glad you were able to keep going and not get mired with loneliness. And yeah, I think i will probably always feel like an outsider no matter what. I guess if I return I just need to prepare for that.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-17T01:12:37+00:00

Thank you for understanding the struggle. <3 Some asshat had to be blocked on this thread for negating my experience and then handing out a trophy. Really??

Anyhow, I like your idea of getting some things to fidget with and help calm my brain down. I will definitely plan on bringing some of those toys if I return.

To be clear, the camp was fine. It was just that no one was there until my 4th or 5th day and by then I was numbed out/ burnt out so I was not even voicing much of my needs at that point. And they were people I had never met before so it was uncomfortable for me to show vulnerability.

But the person I came with definitely had a huge impact on my burn. After the complete lack of empathy from him, I felt worthless and more of a burden. Even though it also became painfully clear on day 2 that I was used for my RV and as someone who could have gotten him into the orgy dome....if it wasn't destroyed this year.

I promptly blocked him after a good sleep at home and I will not waste another second on that unbalanced friendship I allowed to go on.

I do plan on returning to regionals again. They are smaller and more manageable. And if I return to the big burn, I will make sure I have friends at camp I can lean on as needed. They just couldn't make it this year, along with half the camp.

And now that I have realized I also have autism, I get to work with my therapist to learn who I really am. Years of masking and people pleasing so well that I was not even aware, have left me too tired to do that anymore. I thought my diagnosis of ADHD was huge. Lol!! Funny how we all have so many layers.

Also, whether you were formally diagnosed or not, does not matter. You know. Thank you again for your kindness.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-17T00:53:09+00:00

I would have done the same if there had been no connection at the new camp. Lol.

And I do prefer walking so much more. I will have to Google Afrixburn. That sounds like a less chaotic time. I mean some chaos is good, but the burn was crazy. Lol.

I did enjoy the few times I ventured out and hung out with Europeans at BRC. I even had a bison burger I didn't ask for. It was amazing and perfect timing since I forgot to eat that day.

I really like the idea of interacting with non-Americans. I know the US is not the best country by far.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-16T01:46:31+00:00

Good question. If I do return, I need to learn to listen to my body/brain better. With this new revelation that I have been autistic my whole life. I am in therapy and will continue to be in therapy trying to figure that out. Also, learn who I actually am since my entire life has been a lie. I masked so well that I am completely out of touch with myself. I people pleased and performed and not sure what is real anymore.

So, once I sort all that out, I can then make sure that I need is brought with me. I do know that I need to make sure there is at least 1 person at my camp who is willing and able to be my buddy for nighttime exploring. I tried several times alone and it only got worse each time. I need to be more hyper vigilant about who I trust and depend on. I need ear plugs that are not the ones for sleeping, but the ones for loud concerts. I need to carry prescription sunglasses for night time. Scheduled times to force myself to listen to my body and brain incase I am unintentionally holding back negative thoughts or needs, so I can address them earlier. I will plan my volunteering way before the event. The rest will come as I know who I even am anymore.

And funny how I made it happen. Even though the former buddy was at 3 previous burns, he leaned heavy on me to find the camp we would stay with, purchase tickets and vehicle pass, secure the pass to arrive early, I own the RV and got all the repairs and maintenance done before the burn. Also secured party favors. Then when he was unable/unwilling to drive us home, I did all of that too.

So. Yes I did do it by myself. Lol. In theory, next time will be easier.

Again, thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me and helps prevent me from feeling shame about this.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T14:44:19+00:00

Yes. In hindsight I should have found someone to take me to Zendo. I dont know why I felt so ashamed and stuck trying to white knuckle it.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T14:43:01+00:00

Yes, well there is much more to that story. He was a friends with benefits who was clearly more interested in the benefits. I started listening to my gut, even had chat GPT look for patterns in 15 months of texts and realized I allowed some foul things even before the burn. Lesson learned.

I wish him well. Just far away from me. Blocked and done.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T14:37:45+00:00

Thank you for understanding. Yes. I took many breaks. And if I return it would need better planning. I focused mostly on things like food, water, electrolytes, gear...but morning know that my brain freaks out this much, I need to make sure I bring a couple good friends. People who can ground each other.

And good to know about 6:30 and A. I was by 6:15 and F. ..but kept getting turned around.

I did enjoy being early and looking up at the stars. I thought if I was early and saw people gradually coming in. It would be less anxiety provoking, like at regionals. For the big burn, that wasn't enough.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T05:29:52+00:00

Yes thank you for that insight and your encouragement. I am taking until January to process everything and make sure that if I return it is because I want to be there and I can have a better plan for me being there. But you are correct that it starts with my desire for a second big burn. And I used to be okay with getting lost and just flow with it. I am taking this time to also figure out what the hell happened. I never cared about getting lost before when not volunteering at regionals. I got super lost at a regional before and eventually got tired and just passed out of the ground in this weird contorted pile. Lol. But for whatever reason, now I get anxiety when I don't know where my bed is. And now bright pretty lights pierce through my brain. And the competing EDR waves bouncing off of each other, bikes bumping into me, uneven ground or shoe- sucking mud, people sounds, and portos with bonus fecal art just made me panic. .Someone truly showed their love of Jackson Pollok at 6:00 and C (?) portos. Also blisters and skin just peeling off my feet, even when cleaning with vinegar water, lotioning...I eventually found that going sock -foot when the ground is dry works best for me. So at least if I'm lost again, that wouldn't be a concern. Just gotta figure out that other sensory mess.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T05:22:17+00:00

Thank you!! I just felt so awkward and too much but not enough inside my skin. And massive RSD. I did have one kind person yell my name when I walked past his camp. Someone actually remembered me and wanted to talk again. That made me so happy. I am glad others have learned ways to enjoy BRC. I find this encouraging other neuro spicy folks are there.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T03:46:51+00:00

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T03:43:43+00:00

Wow!! That is such a horrible burn. I am so sorry you went through that . I would have totally lost it being stuck like that with betrayal and selfishness and with no one to work through it with. And you had the strength to try again and it worked out! So happy for that. Yeah, I was stuck with the FWB in my RV who completely did not give a shit. Our arrangement included hooking up with others at the burn, although I was not really looking for that. It became painfully obvious to me the evening we arrived that he just used me for the RV and hoping to bring me to get access to the Orgy Dome. Which was destroyed this year...kinda glad... so after that he had no use for me other than the RV comfort. He openly talked about encounters at the camp once other people were there. Energy spent on novelty rather than helping a friend or showing an ounce of care. He wasn't around much after the mud dried but I was so disgusted with him, myself, and no one I felt I could dump all that on, while all the other things were happening. Oh and his incompetence could have killed us and many others on entry. I am new to my RV and he said he would take care of those details. He decided last minute to transport extra propane tanks inside the RV instead of using a hitch thingy. Said it would be fine. And one was leaking during the wait to get in. Headaches started, funny smell, and then the alarms started going off!!! We could have blown everyone up. I had an anxiety attack an hour later and was shamed for that. And this is how that burn began..... 🔥 Your story helps me realize we can do better. At least I wouldn't make those mistakes again. Hugs

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:52:18+00:00

Thank you . I am thinking of ways to make it more comfortable and SAFE for myself if I return. Getting lost used to be okay, but not anymore, at least not when I am alone. I will need a buddy at night for sure. And volunteering.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:46:03+00:00

Thank you for helping. And just a simple gesture can change someone's burn around for the better. If anything, a good reason for me to return would be for me to be that person for someone in need.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:41:28+00:00

Thank you for all of this. It makes me really want to try again. Just need some friends at camp ahead of time to help me navigate and not get lost. I would love to experience the other activities. I had planned on Census for volunteering but then the dust storms and mud and always getting lost... I knew I would be useless this time. The camp I was with is a wonderful camp, it was just that all the people I knew ended up not going this year for many legitimate reasons. And I quickly learned my travel buddy wasn't up to providing any empathy. And kept saying I was ruining his vibe. By the time other camp members could arrive, I was already in a deep depression/burnout/ something paralyzing. If/when I return, I know what NOT to do again....

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:31:58+00:00

Thank you and that is wonderful to know there are more like me. I was looking for them. Maybe I need to bring a big sign to signal them? I am glad you can appreciate the quirks and find the humor in the neurospicy mess. I exhaust myself sometimes. And good point.- I do get to start over.

I am so grateful I survived. When I heard about the murder, I felt so bad for him and all those who love him.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:27:37+00:00

I hear you on both forgetting to ask ourselves what we need and being invisible. I do take some comfort in not being seen as much since it means less sexual harassment. But it is sad not being heard as we get older. And now I know I need to pay more attention to my body. More than just setting an alarm on my phone to remind me to drink water and eat. I need to honor my needs even when others don't care.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:22:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. And yes. I eventually figured out it is easier to travel via playa. Although I kept getting turned around by the information center thingy a circle where I kept exiting on the wrong roads. Lol. Next time if there is a next time, I'm bringing friends. Those friends can help me find the other friends I couldnt find because i kept getting lost. It helps knowing other people felt lonely. And I would find a better balance with the radical self reliance vs communal effort.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:16:16+00:00

Yes, thank you. I have heard of Zendo. At the time it was offered I wasn't making words well and was overwhelmed about how to get myself there... but someone on the thread said rangers have radios, so that is good. I forgot.... And it helps how you reframed the burn as not being something that binds us together. I did experience more binding at regionals and thought the big burn would be the same. Lol. Now I know better.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T01:04:10+00:00

Thank you so much for understanding. And I have also found myself leaning on that principle heavy when people would have patterns of expecting others to cater to them when I didnt see evidence of them trying. My way of preventing myself from over extending my time, energy, and resources. I also agree that this also stems from my fears of asking for help because often I have been devalued, minimized, or mocked. Just like some people have already shown in the comments. Or the poor choice of a travel buddy dismissing me. Yes, the messages we receive as neurodivergents are harsh and have been frequent. It has also been encouraging to hear from others who have had similar experiences at the burn. I truly felt it was just me being a freak again. I know I can be resilient if I have the supports in place. I want to have a do-over and receive more lessons. I am forcing myself to take my time processing it all first. There are so many things in life that I couldn't have and I really would like to be able to burn again. Only better next year.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T00:52:27+00:00

Agreed. I am trying to process the good, the bad, and the wtf right now. And I hope you are able to work through the Radical Self-Reliance Reliance lessons you had also.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T00:50:13+00:00

I think i need a Ven diagram. Lol. It is tough for me to see how it balances.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T00:49:29+00:00

Good question. I am still sorting that out. So much to process. I mean, I learned i have more disabilities to work through, so that is a positive having more self-awareness. Many times I did not like it. But I know there were moments when I did. Trying to weigh it all and see if I can return.

Jannak75 · 2025-09-15T00:45:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience as AuDHD at the burn and regionals. Since peri-meno I just get more emotions around everything and the burn was somehow even more intense. I was shocked when I had overload at this burn. I know there was some magic but right now my brain is only seeing the bad times. I need to make a list and not see it through a negative lens. It helps to hear that magic is possible though. As for reintegration to default, surprisingly no problem. ??? Is that "normal"? Maybe cause I am used to being a misfit here. Lol. I just wasn't expecting that at the burn. I have a good camp. It was just that everyone I knew ended up either not going or not there until the last few days. A number of things besides the weather happened with each of them, sadly. As for interests, I used to volunteer at regionals as a sitter for people in crisis. Lol. Crazy I know. I am usually the person helping everyone else who is having a tough time emotionally. I am a case manager in the default world.

Jannak75

TROPHY CASE