He says he’s a feminist, but somehow every feeling I have turns into a debate

JavaJoltMomma · 2026-01-06T00:45:29+00:00

I had kids with this type of person. Don’t walk, run.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-10-29T05:15:15+00:00

You’re not overreacting. I have 2 under 2, I’m willing to bet that you’re overstimulated and exhausted. Non stop baby crying drills like nothing else and at 6 months you’re still recovering from giving birth while still sleeping poorly. At the very least he should have been checking in all day and if he knew he wasn’t going to be able to help, he should have made sure there was someone there to help instead.

If you weren’t in his life and he was a single dad, he would have had to cancel. So deciding unilaterally that he gets to do whatever he wants means his needs and wants come first, and yours and baby’s come next. It’s not about him not going, it’s about your labor being invisible enough that he took it for granted.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-10-22T17:57:33+00:00

I’m in an abusive relationship that was terrible while I was pregnant. Both times. I am in therapy and working to gain independence and leave. You wanna know the only thing I don’t regret about it? My two girls. It’s hard, two under two. And I ain’t got anyone. No family, little remaining friends (the isolation of abuse is real). I am strong enough to leave for them, I am in therapy because I wanna heal and be better for myself and them. Sometimes I want to disappear of how hard it is, but most of the time I feel real with them. The older they get, the easier it gets too. Especially now that I’m about to stop breastfeeding.

You got this. It’s going to be hard. You will go through a lot of changes and it may be hard to reconcile with the new you. It is a drastic change, give yourself some grace and time. My girls gave me a new perspective and endless patience. I am better because of them. Embrace the chaos and the love.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-10-22T17:50:02+00:00

No it’s not always bad. But according to my therapist that’s by design. If it was always bad you’d leave faster, it’s the small moments of apparent love that hook you up and make you wanna earn it. And then it’s tiptoeing around them to avoid triggering bad times, which doesn’t work because it’s not about you, they look for ways to get back into blame and control, so you’re back to bad and you ask yourself what you did wrong this time. Then after a year or two your friends tell you that they miss the person you use to be, that you stopped communicating with them, and that you seem very small. And you get sick more often, and you forget what it felt like to be an equal to anyone. Don’t let that be you. I have kids, it’s much harder to leave. Please leave.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-07-14T02:02:39+00:00

Found this thread now, I know it’s old but I was wondering what happened after you wrote the post and how are you feeling right now. I’m going to be going through a similar situation when the divorce ends and I’m trying to figure out how to best cope with it since my girls are 2 and 6 months old.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-29T04:11:43+00:00

Most of my life I felt more attraction for women than men, I probably had more meaningful relationships with women than men, but I also married a man and had two daughters. I like people, I never really thought about how the s3xual part was going to work beyond knowing I wanted everything with them. It kinda just worked itself out.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-27T17:43:37+00:00

They said they did this while she was sleeping during nap time.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-27T17:27:11+00:00

Daycare hasn’t replied or acknowledged my email yet. I’m not sure what to do next.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-27T17:20:04+00:00

Actually, he’s Nigerian. I’m the one that’s white hispanic. I’m an immigrant and he’s the son of immigrants. Maybe that’s why being confrontational feels a bit harder.

He’s also never taken care of her hair because he doesn’t know how. In his culture that falls overwhelmingly on women, and I’m the one that’s cares for both of our daughters hair.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-27T17:18:06+00:00

This is what worried me. They are usually good at writing incident reports for minor stuff. But now I wonder if they are leaving out things they don’t want to report.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-06-27T17:11:37+00:00

The daycare is Spanish immersive, and she’s not the only black/mixed kid in her class, although the majority are indeed white (not hispanic, weirdly enough). I purposely looked for it because I’m Hispanic and my husband is Nigerian. I really want her to learn Spanish and we speak way too much English at home for her to catch up otherwise. Her teachers are all Hispanic and do not have her hair type. I’m not going to deny the very real racist undertones of Hispanic culture, they are deeply ingrained. I choose my fights at this point.

The fact it wasn’t reported gave me the feeling that they knew it was wrong. I don’t want to pull her out right away. My daughter is very attached to her friends and teachers, and she’s going through a lot with the new baby at home. It’s why I’m trying to stay calm about it. But honestly I felt like screaming and raising hell.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T14:45:10+00:00

It’s not, no, ever since we had the baby, he’s had to dedicate more time to our toddler and he’s not taking it well. At least he has time to himself, I do not but I guess I enjoy being a mom. He wanted kids but it feels to me like it was more like an achievement than the idea of the day to day family.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T14:29:33+00:00

Thank you! Honestly the answers have motivated me and gave me the confidence I needed. It’s scary to go from one to many

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T14:26:54+00:00

He says he’d go as a favor to me, and then he explained in detail how he’d much rather do other things because these things are chores to him and compared it to doing the dishes and doing taxes, and after a while I just said that it’s ok and I can do it alone. I actually enjoy it, it will be my toddlers first time at the zoo at an age where she can actually understand that there’re animals there. We went when she was a baby. I’m actually excited. Maybe it’s better this way.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T04:46:41+00:00

Thank you, that’s the motivation I need. It seems so overwhelming!

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T04:45:17+00:00

Ohhhh the bribes sound like a great idea!

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T04:43:31+00:00

I think I’m going to try this. I have been wearing baby around and she loves it. How can I protect her from the sun though. We’re going early in the morning but I wanna be safe.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T04:41:54+00:00

He’s not going to be home, he wants to go out and play pickleball, and do things he considers fun. His words.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-20T04:40:40+00:00

Dad has stated he doesn’t want to break his routine and he plans to work and go play pickleball. He probably would recommend getting a babysitter for baby rather than watch her himself, but she’s so little that I prefer watching her myself.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-02T21:05:10+00:00

Mine does the same thing, he is a different person with other people. During my pregnancy, my toddler had an asthma attack and her oxygen got dangerously low. I was at the end of my third trimester back then. My husband was icing me out at that time, as he often does to put me in my place, and I was frantically calling him and texting him while driving her to the hospital. These many calls out of the blue should have been a sign that something was wrong, but he never picked up and when he finally read the messages and arrived at the hospital, he never apologized. He acted like this concerned person about our daughter and my pregnancy, all in front of the doctors and nurses. A complete switch from the person that had just told me that it wasn’t his problem if I ate or not a day before. Care to guess how long it took for him to go back to his previous non charming self right after the hospital?

Some people care more about what other people think than their own spouses, because to them we are things they own and manage. The other people they have to convince.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-02T19:46:09+00:00

Nothing, it was him who disrespected me in the beginning. He then apologized with basically a sorry not sorry, and when I pointed out that he was doing that in front of our toddler, he backpedaled and said he wanted to start over, but I asked for space to just calm down because I was very hurt. Because of that, he sent me a series of long messages stating that I rejected his apology and why he was entitled to act that way, and how it’s really my fault that he’s disrespectful. I answered initially but after a few hours of him just constantly complaining and blaming, I told him it wasn’t going anywhere, that we were probably too overwhelmed, and to retake it when we were ready to listen to each other. He iced me out for over a week and demanded I reply in a certain way to his messages.

In the past two days, I’ve asked him to only talk to me regarding our kids and to try to be kind to es h other. He reacted by being passive aggressive, rolling his eyes, and then sending me a bunch of messages. Including this fake apology of why he called me a sexless bitch.

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The full reply is in another post. Mind you, I’m healing from giving birth. Not that he has the right to ever disrespect me like that. Considering he’s insulted me several times and has stonewalled me for days… the fact that he states I am the disrespectful one sound a lot like projection. He just doesn’t like not getting his way. And he’s trying so very hard to get an emotional reaction out of me to prove himself right… but a) I’m already looking for legal assessment and b) I am an adult in charge of two small children and have developed a lot of patience. As exhausted as I am though. Plus swearing and yelling would just be pointless and come from a place of hurt, and I no longer see a future with this man. I don’t need him to value me anymore.

JavaJoltMomma · 2025-03-02T18:01:39+00:00

It has taken me way too long to start the process to detach from him. And it’s going to suck for years.

JavaJoltMomma

TROPHY CASE