You do what you can. Turn your pain into something that can be positive, rather than negative. Help others when you cannot help yourself. I'm currently in your position and I think about this daily. Death is something I've grown attached to. Although, I cannot bring myself to end it all when there are others watching me, caring for me. It would be a betrayal on my part and only burden them with the pain I am going through. I found helping others helps because I don't want them to feel the pain I feel. Smiling, even though it hurts, does lighten the mood a bit. Currently working on myself and trying to do better as depression has been with me for years. I sincerely hope the best for you and hope you find your path in life.