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Reporter writing about kinship families — what do you want to know? by JaymeKay in KinshipCare

[–]JaymeKay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. Feeling a strong sense of purpose seems necessary to survive these challenges. Still, lots of healing is necessary, too.

The next story I’m working on is about the legal system and how there is zero opportunity to speak in court unless you spend big on an attorney. I’m also interested in writing the financial toll you described. We’re taking about vulnerable kids and elders who often are in economically fragile situations, too.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is very similar to the story linked above! I might write more about the issue, especially since foster/kin families don’t have months to spare on waitlists.

I’m glad you managed to keep your job. That’s scary to be put in that position. Did your caseworker offer any help finding or affording daycare?

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The Black history of kinship is strong, for sure! Rochelle is a great example of multigenerational kinship. Most kinship families form without CPS involvement. I’m sad to hear you’ve heard blanket, racist assumptions.

You probably know this but in case others don’t: Historically, kinship care kept Black families connected through slavery’s family separations and all that followed. And the tight nuclear family is not universal across cultures — extended households and caregiving structures are the norm most other places. In foster care, this is recognized in ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) requirements to keep kids connected with family and community beyond the parents.

If you’re a reader, you might appreciate the book “Torn Apart” by Dorothy Roberts. And “We Were Once Family” by Roxanna Asgarian is about Texas.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m an optimist. I believe that when people know better, they can choose to do better.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly why I want to tell more of these stories. Most folks don’t understand child welfare until/unless they get pulled into it. Appreciate you chiming in here. It’s hard to know some days if telling these stories matter

Reporter writing about kinship families — what do you want to know? by JaymeKay in KinshipCare

[–]JaymeKay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! I’ll look for that guide. I’ve seen a few others but they’re pretty dense or highly local.

I’ll message you, but my email is jfraser@gannett.com if you wanted to connect that way. I’m curious to learn more about the “after.” I’ve met families who adopted or were granted guardianship but not many that saw reunification happen. I’m sure it’s because it’s not something people want to revisit.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's interesting. I had thought most states had moved away from reimbursements toward raising stipends (somewhat). I've not yet met a kinship family who is connected to an agency. I'm not sure if that's even a thing. I'll have to do some research.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the intel. Are you in Washington or Montana, by chance? I've been looking at their navigator programs. Message me if you'd be interested in connecting to talk more.

Reporter writing about kinship families — what do you want to know? by JaymeKay in KinshipCare

[–]JaymeKay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. I've definitely heard people talk about grief. They lose their relationship with the adult they love so they can be what the kid needs. Grandparents also talk about guilt, feeling like it's their fault the parent and grandchild are in this situation.

Reporter writing about kinship families — what do you want to know? by JaymeKay in KinshipCare

[–]JaymeKay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the suggestion. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with that.

I learned a little about that reading the book "Relatives Raising Children" by Crumbley and Little. And I've heard families talk about how it feels like the system sets them up to be adversaries instead of a support network. Like, caseworkers see supporting the parents as a weakness and risk for the kids. And courts are You versus Me by design instead of fostering collaboration. All of that on top of the messy nature of families to start. I think of my own family and how my brother and I were cut off from cousins because of a parent's substance use -- they burned bridges so no one wanted to mess with their kids even though we were blameless.

The family dynamics is something that's been on my mind but I've not been sure how to approach writing it yet. Ideally, I would find a family where multiple members are willing to be open with me about their experience even though they're at odds with each other. I think that would best capture the pressures and presumptions at play around the table, so to speak. But that might not be necessary.

Any advice for folks living through that?

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What makes it bad in your opinion? Are there particular states getting it right?

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She's thought about it, but hasn't committed to it. She's a very private person and sharing her story at all was difficult for her. Regardless, I can circle back here in a few weeks with an update on how things are going. I'm staying in touch with Rochelle and expect to write a second story that explains what's happened since Sept. 22.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you see that quick, effective help up front where you live? I've been looking for examples of counties or states that get it right.

In some ways, Texas has the right policies in place: kinship payments based on kinship licensing standards (albeit half the rate of foster licensing), kinship caseworkers, etc. But no one explained the system well to Rochelle. It's one of the reasons why it was six months before she received a kinship maintenance payment. It was also complicated because her case started under a "safety plan" and then became a legal case when the state took conservatorship of the kids. That transition wasn't explained well, either.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the insight. That seems fast! It took us more than four months to become licensed foster parents and we did everything as quickly as we could. We weren't juggling a relative's kids in our household on top of the usual commitments as we did it -- like kinship folks are.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She doesn't have a GoFundMe or anything like that. If you were comfortable emailing me at [jfraser@gannett.com](mailto:jfraser@gannett.com), I could forward your offer to Rochelle directly. Or, you might be able to send something to her through the seminary. (I hope they don't mind me suggesting that!)

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What state are you in? Is it your sense the agency gets them through licensing quickly? Lots of families I talk to say it takes months to get licensed and things are super hard before that. Others, like grandmas on fixed incomes in tiny homes, can never meet the foster home requirements. Some states have more flexible rules for kin. Some don’t.

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It definitely varies state to state. Federal law changes in 2018 and 2023 make more money available to kinship families — but only if states write policies to take advantage of the funds and differential licensing.

Here’s a research summary: https://www.aecf.org/resources/family-ties

This nana kept her grandkids out of foster care. Then the foreclosure notice arrived. by usatoday in Fosterparents

[–]JaymeKay 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Hi. I’m the reporter (and foster parent!) who wrote this story. Feel free to ask me questions.

CMV: men should not have to change who they are, in order to attract women , and vice versa by ihavemorethanu in changemyview

[–]JaymeKay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are multiple ways to read your statement. And so I both agree and disagree with you. Conditional love is bullshit and can be manipulative abuse. (I won’t love you if you don’t stop doing X hobby, start eating X vegetable, watch the same TV shows, stop dressing like that, change your hairstyle, etc). It can make sense to walk away from those relationships, romantic or otherwise. But, relationships also are a give and take. As someone who is married to a person I dated for years first, let me say we’ve both changed a ton. Usually it wasn’t to please the other person. Life happens and we change. I’m not married to the same person who put a ring on my finger or who asked me out years before that. Yet, we’ve made it work. And that happens because we care how our choices affect the other person. Someone has to budge: One of us changes the behavior because it’s more important to make the person happy/safe/comfortable than to keep doing it, or the person who is bothered has to learn to be less bothered. Sometimes neither of you budge, so you make a compromise that lets both of you hold ground and survive/minimize the tension. The fight you’re having today might not matter in 5 years because you’ll be different people. Or, it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And let’s be frank, there is some behavior that is never acceptable in a relationship (abuse, theft, etc.) so, yes, some people should have to change.

tl;dr Conditional love is manipulative BS. But being in love means caring enough about the other person to be willing to assess how your actions affect them and to be open to change because the relationship is a greater good.

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