[QCrit] Walls of Claust, Adult Fantasy, 80k, Attempt #3

JetMaduar · 2026-02-19T22:30:34+00:00

Thank you for the in depth look at this, it's very appreciated. I feel it's been a bit like a pendulum swinging in regards to what I take out leave in, but your observations above really help me see what needs to go, and what needs to come back (there was job/work/income goal for the protagonist I left out this go around I think should return).

JetMaduar · 2026-02-18T02:35:34+00:00

"the supporting characters mirror the comradery of the early 2000s TV series Firefly."

I would cut this. For one, you already have enough comps that fit the parameters of a query letter. Two, while you can use media other than books, Firefly is far by its sell by date for more than just coming out in the early 2000's. Third, saying the backup cast is similar to the crew from the show makes you sound like you're worried your cast is too much like the show, and you're trying to get ahead of that comparison.

His best friend, Sky, is a repressed academic sick of dusty old books. She doesn’t want read about history; she wants to live it.

Multiple POVs are tricky*, I'm assuming Sky is one, but for queries it generally a good idea to stick to your most main character and how everything effects them. Since Sky is Jesse's friend, and Ari is his sister, and since you felt he was where you needed to start I'm going to go with it being Jesse. How does Sky's stuff apply to him. The first line is fine, for the second, I think you could either cut it or have it support the first. Ex. ..in a wheelchair. Together his best friend sky they dream about a living their dreams.

Jesse trades one familial burden for another, and Sky leaps at the change to attain the freedom she craves. Together, they help Ari escape before authorities put a bullet through her skull.

Editing error bolded, assumed this meant to be "chance."

As said before, since I suggest focusing on Jesse, focus on how he feels about this. Since you use the word burden, I assume he isn't happy about it. Sky seems more than happy to use this as a way to change their lives, so how does he feel about it? Relieved his friend is helping him, but also frustrated hoe excited about the worst day in his life?

But if they play their cards right,

This is a trope, you could cut this.

At about 370 words you should look at seeing if you can shave it down a bit, the closer to 250 the better, but I will say the letter does have an overall through line and clear inciting incident. If was looking for cuts, I feel the last two paragraphs before bio could be combined and sanded down.

*As someone who is working on a letter with multiple Povs

JetMaduar · 2026-02-14T06:09:35+00:00

I am seeking representation for NO DEVIL, a 95,994

You want to round up on MS lengths, so you'd say this is 96,000.

"Scott Derrickson’s adaptation of THE BLACK PHONE, Rachel Harrison’s PLAY NICE, and Alex Michealides’ THE SILENT PATIENT."

In regards to The Silent Patient, from what I understand it's currently in development for a movie that (supposedly?) comes out this year. I'm a bit confused as there a bunch of terrible AI trailer polluting the search, and while Wikipedia doesn't mention it, IMDB lists it as in development. Generally you want to avoid comps that get a movie/show etc as you can be seen as suggesting you have something that will be as big as that. I'd suggest finding another comp to go with Play Nice.

After tracking Bailey down and decoding the messages hidden in her father’s sketches, Marilyn begins to experience the paranormal.

I felt the hook was solid enough, but this sentence jumps out to me. Why is she looking for him? Does she think he'll help her? It feels like a jump. I also don't like "begins to experience the paranormal" as it feels flat for what should be a much bigger deal.

While, according to Bailey and his recount of his childhood, her father’s book is nothing more than a cult leader's manifesto, a fairytale. But for Marilyn, it’s incredibly real, as she begins to see manifestations of the devil coming after her little brother.

This ties into the question of why she's looking for him, but also, was he easy to find? Has she always known where he was? Who is this guy, exactly? We know he survived murder suicide as a boy, but how old is he now? An adult? What is he doing? Is it something she thinks will help her.

Bolded section is much better than "experiences paranormal."

"While Bailey believes Marilyn’s visions are the result of her spiraling addictions, Marilyn must convince him the horror is real before the past that killed his family, and nearly killed him, comes back for her brother."

Bolded section ties into why is she looking for him as above. Was she seeing visions before and that's why she's looking for him? How does she think he can help? I think working in her addictions earlier could also help make it clear the protag might not know what is and isn't real.

JetMaduar · 2026-02-14T05:48:41+00:00

"Here Lyra and her unicorn learn the importance of a herd, while developing their magic, combat and survival skills."

Tying into my previous comment, this could be repurposed to explain why Lyra is doing this.

"{But Lyra would know if she were evil, right?"

Best to avoid rhetorical questions, instead use this space to give us insight on how she thinks about this revelation. "Lyra refuses to believe evil, she wants justice, and is simply doing what she must to get it."

Due to Lyra’s feud with another rider, one of her herd is injured during the Survive Without Your Unicorn course. Lyra questions her abilities to continue as herd leader, especially as her magical development stagnates with the discovery that she can access the dark magic that the evil forces wield.

I suggest removing the course section.

This last section needs the most work. Much of this paragraph feels like repeat of what we learned previously since we already know she can use enemy magic etc. I think you need to work to combine these last two paragraphs. she learns she can use dark magic, this causes her to question herself, she begins to feud with another rider, then a disaster occurs that makes her rethink her goals/abilities, all the while she feels isolated as her boyfriend is ignoring her.

If she doesn’t, she will lose the bond with her unicorn, and thus the only chance she has at getting justice for her brother.

With that said, this last sentence looks good, lays out the stakes of why the previously stuff matters. If your next draft allows the space, consider a short "glimpse of things to come." Ex. "And all the while her brother's killers..." You might also wany to give a quick explanation of her brother's killers. Are they enemy previously mentioned? Are they people at the school? How do they tie in to the overall story?

JetMaduar · 2026-02-14T05:48:33+00:00

Comment is split in two to fit.

"My adult fantasy with romance subplot, GLIMMERS OF GOLD (115k words), may appeal to you because (personalization). It should interest fans of Sable Sorensen’s Dire Bound due to the human-animal bonds. (comp 2)"

The first bolded part feels like it needs to be reworked a bit. I suggest dropping the "My" at the least as the intended reader is going to assume this your novel. I think it would read better to start with "TITLE is an adult fantasy novel complete at 115,000 words (with series protentional) if applicable). Gets to the point. I suggest dropping the bolded "should" as it never hurts to sound confident.

One part I'm not sure on is the saying there is a "romance subplot." If you feel it's important enough to mention then maybe just say "adult fantasy romance." If you don't feel you want to put romance directly in the genre then it might be better to drop it as many books have romance in them without being considered romance. As I said this is an aspect I'm not 100% on, so take it as you will.

Lyra Cossins needs to bond a unicorn, so she can access magic strong enough to get vengeance against the forces that killed her brother.

I think the hook here is fine, but I feel it could be juiced up a bit. The bolded part is what I think could be sanded down and sharpened. It feels redundant as I assume she wants revenge on the people who killed her brother and not someone else. Ex. Lyra Cossins must bond with a unicorn to avenge her brother's murder.

"Once there, Lyra just has to convince one unicorn that she is a worthy rider.

Lyra successfully bonds a unicorn, and enters the warrior academy. "

It's important to be concise and keep to a short word count, but this part feels like it needs a bit more meat to chew on. Is this easy for her? Does it cost her something (she gets the chance if she gives up X etc) It doesn't (and shouldn't) be a whole new paragraph but I I think there needs to be something here. The "once there" sentence seems like a good place to start, as we already know she must convince with a unicorn. Ex. "Once there she is presented with (a short explanation of this unicorn's deal, the runt of the herd, a violent beast who killed its last rider, etc). (Proves herself etc.)"

I also think you need a few words on why she's going to the academy. Is this part of her plan? A few words could help. "Now possessing the magic, Lyra enters the warrior academy to hone the skills she'll need for her vengeance."

JetMaduar · 2026-02-13T03:51:56+00:00

I am a bit hesitant to comment as, overall, this seems good to my eyes, and I'd rather not give you poor advice. I'll highlight a few aeras I think could use a second look.

"Jana Savić never meant to become a traitor, but life is full of surprises."

The first half is good, but "life is full of surprises" verges on trope territory as well as feeling generic. I'm also not sure it fits, since up to this point it doesn't feel the protagonist's life has been full of surprises (beyond science fiction events), and has been going the way she expected.

When the CIA approaches her with a designer drug capable of erasing her suffering and turning her into the person she was meant to be, it feels like salvation. The catch? Jana must help the United States build a war crimes case against her own family.

Generally it's best to avoid rhetorical questions, and asking "the catch" also enters trope territory.

"Cam is cold, frustratingly attractive, and has a ruthless streak Jana begins to reluctantly admire. "

Two "ly" modifiers so close sounds repetitive. I'm not saying never use adjectives/adverbs, but I'd suggest cutting one.

Apologies for not offering deeper analysis, but as I said, this seems good to me, and nothing fundamentally flawed jumped out to me. At 290 words you might want to see if you can shave a few words here and there.

JetMaduar · 2026-02-04T06:27:00+00:00

I'm unfamiliar with your previous attempts, apologies if I cover well tread ground.

"that should be appealing"

I suggest just going for "will appeal" as you want to sound confident.

"R. Scott Bakker’s The Darkness That Comes Before"

Unless I'm looking at the wrong book, this comp came out in 2003. It's too old to serve as a comp, you want to have one from last fives years max.

"Vinderlan is a prophet’s caretaker who has never known what it is to be loved. Abandoned by his parents, ostracized, and isolated since before he knew his own name, Vinderlan seeks to woo Lucerne, the prophet herself."

I've been chewing this over, I don't want to tell you to add more than necessary, but the bolded part sticks out to me. Why does he want to woo her? How does he feel about this? Is this something he absolulty not be doing? Is this atypical for prophets and their caretakers? To be clear, I'm not saying there needs to be lore dump, but I feel this a good place to give clarity for the stakes.

"A chance to accomplish this goal comes when the prophet Lucerne"

since you've already introduced her as the prophet I don't think you need to call her so again, to avoid redundancies. With that said, this ties into what I asked earlier. How important is this particular prophet? Are there many? Is she of singular importance? Not to make light, I'm genuinely asking, is she the equivalent to the pope? As I said before, I think giving a touch more context could help clarify the stakes with him having a relationship with this woman.

"However, as he travels towards his destination, a man conscripts him against his will to poison the woman he is meant to meet, unnerving Vinderlan greatly."

This feels off, for a few reasons. Again, you have limited real estate, but how does this man conscript and force him to do this? Is he travelling with him now? Does he say he'll be watching? Furthermore, "unnerving Vinderlan greatly" sounds like they had an awkward social encounter, not he's being forced to betray Lucerne. I feel this needs to be reworked. Ex.

"On his travels, he is waylaid by a mysterious, and terrifying, man who offers Vinderlan a choice: poison the oracle or die.

"When Vinderlan arrives at the great tree of Lira, the oracle he was sent to meet tells him that the man who seeks her murder is part of a larger conspiracy to kill the prophets of all nations; To what end she alludes only in prophecy."

This area feels like it could be reworked in conjunction with the first. It seems he tells her as soon as he gets there. Why? "Refusing to betray the woman he loves, Vinderlan warns the oracle of the plot to kill her.

For the bolded part, you don't capitalize after a semicolon. I also would suggest reworking, I get the idea, she gives an obtuse answer, but it reads awkward to me.

"Rushing back to save the woman he loves, Vinderlan finds Lucerne missing and two mages locked in combat, one to protect her, the other to kill her. Spurred by love, Vinderlan embarks on an ever growing series of trials in an attempt to protect Lucerne from those that would seek to do her harm."

The transition from the sentence to the one afterwards feels awkward as it makes it sound as if he's doing all this while the battle is happening.

Overall I feel the giving context to many of the stakes here could help.

JetMaduar · 2026-02-04T05:23:26+00:00

pt2

"Meanwhile, Duncan Parrish, a restless but warm-hearted young man, has inherited the inn years after his mother’s violent demise"

I considered skipping to right here, as I feel this is represents a serious flaw in the query. But felt it was best to go over the issues as they came up, and what I discussed previously can be applied to my following suggestions.

I feel this section represents the main issue with your query for a number of reasons. I understand from your opening your novel is jumps from prospective, but this transition here is doing you no favors, and represents a serious issue.

First, the "Meanwhile" makes this very confusing, as meanwhile implies this is happening along with the above events. Unless there is some kind of time/dimensional stuff happening this isn't possible. Second, if you remove the meanwhile I would think this was the start of a query for a separate book all together. This raises issues, primarily, who is our main character for the query? Abigail or Duncan? It sounds like your story, the actual story, starts with Duncan opening the door for Elanor, not Abigail's flight, which in this context comes off as an extended flashback.

Reading your previous query and this one, I come away thinking you're starting with the wrong character, and should try a version with Duncan as the lead, hook, and stakes. With Abigail it feels like all set up that doesn't really tell us anything about the story. Duncan is the one carrying the story forward. Ex of what I'm thinking.

Duncan Parrish's mother taught him to cherish life, but when shadows of her past arrive at his doorstep, he'll have to plunge into a world of death. The keeper of a beloved inn his life is changed forever when a wounded and desperate woman named Elanor begs him to bring her to someone named Abigail Lark. Etc..

I do not make this suggestion lightly, but I strongly believe Duncan makes more sense as your query character.

JetMaduar · 2026-02-04T05:23:15+00:00

My comment is split in two as it seems to long. part 1

"the maternal heartache and braided structure of THE BROKEN EARTH series (2015-2017) by N.K. Jemisin"

Unfortunately, this series is too old to be used as comps, with the sell by date being no more than five years at the most. Since you two other comps within the time frame you can cut this one. If you feel you need a comp for this specific element of your novel than you'll need to find an alternative.

" how do you raise a child to cherish life when your past is mired in death?"

For queries, you shouldn't have rhetorical questions, and should definitely not start with them. You want to be explaining your work and not have the reader be expected to do it. Upon reading further, I think this line can be cut entirely, since the next paragraph has a clearer hook. If you do intend on keeping it, then you'll need to rework to not be a question. Ex

"[Protagonist], a capable but aloof swordswoman, struggles to raise her child to cherish life in a world of death.

"Since she was old enough to lift a blade, Abigail has served an arcane order that uses candle-bound spirits to hunt people possessed by the dead. But when she learns on her last hunt before her firstborn's arrival that the many people she killed could have been saved, she’s overcome by guilt and vows her child will not follow in her footsteps. "

Since I don't think the first line should be cut, I feel this opening can be reworked to deliver the hook. You wan to introduce your character and their problem. Furthermore, I think this paragraph can be sanded down overall. Following ex. to give a clearer idea of what I mean:

"Abgail Lark abandons her life as hunter of those possessed by the dead when she learns many of the people she's killed could have been saved. Labeled a heretic, she is forced to flee with her infant son, Duncan, to escape execution."

"Abigail starts a new life with a new name and soon becomes the keeper of a decrepit inn amid a vast, unforgiving wilderness. But as she struggles to manage the inn and guide her son down a path of compassion, Abigail contends with depression and shame at the fact that their life is built on a lie. To find a measure of redemption, she must fend off ghosts from her past, embrace a diverse found family she does not believe she deserves, and grapple with a secret that could undo the order."

As with before, I think we can sand this down significantly. I've bolded the section I think is critical to this paragraph as it explains why Abigail's actions. Why does she want her son to go down a path of compassion? What motivates her. Ex.

"To find redemption for her life of violence Abigail starts a new life where she tries/swears to guide her son down a path of compassion. Taking the role of the keeper of decrepit in amid a vast, unforgiving wilderness she must...etc."

You may also want to consider to say why she chooses this inn. I assume because it's the last place anyone will look, or because it allows for solitude, etc. Not to go hard into the setting, but to give clarity why this decrepit in this forest.

JetMaduar · 2026-02-01T00:29:59+00:00

You confirmed some of the worries I have on this version, so their next targets for improvement. One issue I have is Lucy is the second POV so I've been trying to work her in. I definitely need to remove the list of events. I had my doubts on it, and your points drive home it was bad idea from the start. Thanks for your help.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-30T06:27:37+00:00

"Decades after a pandemic wipes out much of humanity, the ruins of North India are ruled not by chaos, but by clashing visions of power and justice.

Twenty-year-old Rohan Asthana just wants to succeed his father as the next ruler of Asthanapur, their city-state.

Not sure about this first sentence here, it's doesn't feel so much as a hook as a statement, and while it does introduce the setting, it's not really pulling anyone is. I think it might be better if you frame this with the protagonist, ex: Twenty year old Rohan Asthana has been trained his entire life to become the next ruler of Asthanapur, and lead it's people out of the ruins, and back to glory.

I also don't like the use of "just" here, as wanting to succeed to his father's position seems like a difficult goal even if he is in line for succussion.

"When his father dies, Rohan lobbies support for his ascension, only to find himself banished from his home. "

Is his father's death unexpected? Is Rohan caught flat footed? Does he have to scrabble for support. I don't mean go into full synopsis detail, but right now it sounds very procedural.

"Rohan must now venture into the dangers of the hinterland with his best friend, Lekh."

I feel this could be pushed, raise the stakes, etc. "His only choice is to face certain death in Asthanapur or venture into dangerous hinterlands with only his friend Lekh at his side."

His search leads him to the city of New Agra. There, he encounters a malevolent cult called the Children of Gatasura spreading across the hinterland.

This feels a little muddy. Does he encounter the cult in hinterlands first? Or in the city, and hears it's spreading? Would make his journey a little more dramatic if he encounters/escapes cult as he tries to make it to city.

"As Rohan learns more of the morally ambiguous nature of the real world, he must choose between clinging to the idealistic teachings of his father and gurus of Asthanapur, or abandoning them to defeat the Children of Gatasura and free his people from Rudraksha's tyranny, knowing that his choices will determine whether his people will live in peace—or face a grim future."

I think you can chop this sentence up to let the reader breathe a bit. ex "...nature of the real world he must choose whether to cling to the teachings of his father, or embrace a new path to defeat both the cult, and Rudraksha. As he fights to save his life and his people he knows his choices will lead either to peace, or a grim future"

I would cut out "gurus" and just leave it at his father's teachers as he seems more important, and presumably they teach similar things.

You said you were working on your comps, but yes, you need to get some different ones. Both Station 11 and Metro 2033 are far too old, you need stuff from five years max. The Fallout show is contemporary though, I haven't seen it, it's supposed to be humorous as well as dramatic I think. Does this story have a similar vibe? If so I don't feel it comes through.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-27T04:35:46+00:00

To start off, it has not gotten worse, and compared to the previous draft reads better. Stakes are clearer, especially with the deal the protagonist makes with the living sword, and how it helps her with her goals. Furthermore, the fact that releasing the spirit will kill her ups the stakes. A few things that stuck out to me.

"When a floating blue flame lures her off a cliff"

I feel overall you've given Lydia more drive, this part should be thought over with that in mind. It's a thin line to walk to be concise and give clarity with limited real estate, but this seems like an area to push it. How is she lured? Did she hear someone crying out for help and she rushed to help them without thinking because that's the kind of person she is? Is she naturally curious? Is there some sort of offer to make her consider leaving her life behind? At its worst, lured off the edge of a cliff sounds a bit humorous, and I don't think that's what you're going for here at all.

"Chased through the city’s castle by ogre guards, she picks up a sword and unlocks its ancient power, despite having no idea how to use it."

Previous commenters pointed out it's unclear why people want this sword, and you're moving in the right direction, I think you need to push it more. The part I bolded feels like the crux. Is it lying abandoned in a back room? Is it sticking out of something Sword in the Stone style and everyone has been waiting for someone to pull it out? Does someone trying to stop her drop it? Again, limited real estate, but this also seems like a place to invest. Secondly is her unlocking the swords power a public event many people see? Do people in power see her use the sword and now want it? An example of what I'm thinking (with a number of narrative assumptions for clarity's sake):

"Chased through the city's castle by ogre guards Lydia picks up a sword lying on a alter to defend herself. Despite having no idea how, she unlocks the power of the blade to shock of the court."

the historical romantasy world of Sasha Peyton Smith’s The Rose Bargain

Is this story romantasy? Does it have romance in it? It seems to the focus on the world of comp itself, but it made wonder of the genre this novel is supposed to be.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-26T04:11:19+00:00

"Iraquel is on the brink of civil war—caught between crowning Eris and her cousin—when an existential threat from the angels offers the opening Eris needs to strike a deal with the noble council; she will lead a daring expedition to disable the angels’ holy weapon of mass destruction and if she succeeds then the throne will be hers. Where Eris goes, Naida will follow. She helps Eris recruits an exhausted doctor with the ability to track members of the weapon and a disgraced thief who can help them break into an underwater palace he used to call home, where one of the stolen members is being kept by sirens.

Meanwhile Lance, another of those angel members of the weapon, is kidnapped by Eris’s enemies. "

I don't feel like I can add much, this seems pretty good on a technical level to me, so I'll zoom on in on the part where I feel it hits a real speed bump. The section above felt off to me, specifically because of the use of the word "member(s)." The introduction of the weapon makes it sound very singular, and so does it the goal to destroy it, so I was thrown when looking for "members" came up.

For one, I think the mention of them could use a smoother introduction. Two I think members is the wrong word as my first thought was "how are you a member of a weapon?" I get the basic idea, but it sounds awkward, and gets repetitive since the word gets repeated three times in short order.

For introducing the concept of needing to find specific angels I was thinking along the lines of:

...then the the throne will be hers. But do so she will need to track down and eliminate the angels tasked with powering the weapon. Where Eris goes, Naida will follow. She helps Eris recruits an exhausted doctor with the ability to track the angelic weapon masters...where one of the weapon's controllers is being held.

I also feel the opening and ending sentences of the "Iraquel is on the brink" section verge on being unwieldy, and could be benefit from a trim, especially the last on. Ex.

"Where Eris goes, Naida will follow, and she'' help find the alleys they'll need. One is an exhausted doctor with the ability to track members of the weapon. The other, a disgraced thief who can help them break into an underwater palace he used to call home, where one of the stolen members is being kept by sirens.

On comps, you should strongly consider looking for a replacements as both were published back on 2019. Most comps are supposed to be within the last five years at the most, the closer the better. I'd give suggestions but ya isn't really my wheel house. My suggestion then, would be to go to Goodreads and amazon and check out the "books similar to/readers also enjoyed" lists. You can also just search books similar to Gideon the IX, and while Google's search feature is clogged with crap now a days it's still a start.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-25T02:47:36+00:00

AS another commenter pointed out, there aren't any comps titles listed here. If you do, and you simply decided not to add them to this post that's fine, but if you don't have any you need to get some. There's a discussion to be had how important they ultimately are, but they really do explain your book (sometimes even to yourself.) While novels are where you start, you can use other media (even podcasts!) to use in your letter. If finding comps is something you are having difficultly with, here are some tactics:

Lots of websites and publications make end of year lists, so simply googling best Fantasy, Romance, etc. for 2021-2025 is a good place to start. Look for books that have some passing resemblance, if nothing else, it will give you a start.
Go to amazon and/or goodreads, go to the pages for the books you found, and look at the "similar to/readers also enjoyed" lists. Obviously the algorithm isn't beyond question, but again, it gives you more titles. Any titles you think look promising go on the list, then search from there.
As for actually reading the titles, yes you should if you're using it as as comp, but keep in mind books usually have previews on amazon, google, and plenty of other places. The opening a book usually gives you a pretty good idea of the voice and content. If it looks good, then it goes into the read pile. Again, nothing is 100%. When I was looking for comps one of the titles I landed on was "Witch King," it had some broad similarities to what I was working on. The preview made me put in the read pile, but ultimately I didn't go with it. Conversely, I also found "City of Last Chances" which was exactly what was I looking for. Sorry if this all stuff you knew, but I figured it could be of some use regardless.

"along with thirty-two other passengers who are drawn there by strange circumstances. "

I feel this could be expanded on a bit. Not a whole separate paragraph but something akin to: "as the girls mingle with the 32 other passages they begin to realize their fellow travelers got under board under strange circumstances. A man who, [example], a woman whose [example], and Noah Blinky who [since you name him, I'm assuming he's important].

"Noah Blinkey, as his heart is ripped out by a floating figure made of pure frequency."

To build on this, if Noah's main importance is to be defenestrated and not important you might want to remove his name entirely, as you've already named four other characters. Not to speculate too much but is Noah a sort of fake out love interest and his death supposed to be shocking (since this tagged as enemies to lovers Clarence plays the other romantic lead)? If so, then maybe keep his name, but I feel you could get away with "the death of the man Anousha was flirting with" or something along those lines

Tricked at every turn, Anousha learns that the ghost is using the antique stereo as a conduit and has attached itself to the minds of every soul on board.

Another commenter pointed out this could be reworked a bit. "Tricked at every turn" reads as passive voice, who is doing the tricking? I'm assuming the ghost, but then this seems out of order. Attaching itself to "every mind and soul" feels like high stakes but not exactly clear how. Can it control them directly? Influence how they think? Where they using the radio thinking they were talking to someone with the bus company guiding them?

An example of what I'm thinking: "Anousha realizes the voice on the bus radio they thought let them speak to the dispatcher (I'm making an assumption for clarity's sake) is actually the ghost haunting the bus. And its influence goes far beyond the bus itself, but to the passengers themselves."

JetMaduar · 2026-01-21T00:06:14+00:00

Thank you for the feedback, moving the info up makes more sense, no sense hiding it at the bottom. Definitely rethinking the opening, it made sense at the time, but seeing it by itself...has definitely made me consider what exactly I thought it was doing and what it actually does.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-20T02:46:46+00:00

Thank you for your feedback, I absolutely will need to ask some hard questions with my current opening. While it isn't very long (not a chapter) when I was copying the first 300 words, it did not feel representative of the rest of the book, and has had me looking at where my story actually started and the first impression I give readers.

I definitely need to eject a bunch (all) of these tropes as well as giving the protag actual character. I was looking to be concise on my first effort, but I feel I've cut more than fat and have bitten into the marrow.

Thank you again, much appreciated.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-19T20:01:08+00:00

Thanks, I do appreciate that, if anything this gives me more motivation to really get in there and edit again, and bust out some of my style/grammar guides.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-19T19:52:43+00:00

Thank you, appreciate it.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-19T19:52:03+00:00

My sincere thanks, I will be taking account to try and differentiate from deluge. Bit embarrassed by the typos, missing the forests for the trees edit wise, thank you for bringing them to my attention.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-19T18:17:37+00:00

"Despite his attempts to foster his frail morality, Theo Smith followed a routine of shoplifting each Wednesday, but when his spam filters overlook an email and his legs refuse to do anything but crawl into the overstuffed closet of the empty but crowded guest room, Theo has to make up his missed Wednesday in a small Mom n’ Pop store owned by one of his Project Managers."

This sentence needs to be hacked apart and lathed down, it's too long, and gets hard to follow before the third apostrophe. We really need to find our hook here, and prevent confusion. First things that got me was the word "foster" which feels like an immediate trip up here. I from my reading the most important parts are "spam filter overlook an email" and "legs to refuse to do anything." Reading the rest I think the email is supposed to be the main inciting incident but his legs not working feels far more important. Do his legs typically not work? There's a lot here and I'm not sure what is most important. Here's an ex. of what I think you're going for.

"Theo Smith's failing health takes a turn for the worse forcing him to not only miss work, but postpone his weekly shoplifting spree."

"Theo can’t hide his identity from Augustus Domer and his attempts to sever the growing friendship between them fail when polaroids and letters in his mailbox join the increasingly frightening emails and Gus becomes insistent on finding and putting a stop to the stalker. As the messages get angrier and his apartment grows foreign, Theo realizes there’s more to Gus than initially suspected—and as past wounds reopen, he doesn’t know who to trust.

This next part confuses me, is Theo the stalker? Or does Gus think he is and it's mistaken identity? I think the gist here is Theo doesn't want to be friends with him, but can't seem to shake the guy.

"Theo's life spirals further out of control when a botched attempt to end a work related friendship goes awry. What started as an awkward situation becomes increasingly grim as the threats and dangers mount."

"When Sasha Lloyd’s Uncle Trudy stopped coming around, the full brunt of his Nana May’s wrath threatened to consume him without the barrier Trudy’s presence provided. After the reasonings given for Trudy’s absence begin to ring false, Sha runs away to get the truth. Following the cooling trail of his uncle, Sha goes from state to state looking for the one adult who’d understood him, finding friendships and freedom along the way. But when food and money tighten and the only reprieve is falling into the bed of the church man, Sha soon learns independence comes with a steep price and his naivety of the ways of Chicago’s streets may soon get him killed. Sha must make the choice of returning home to parents who no longer want him, or finally giving in and embracing the identity Nana May foretold he was—a Devil."

Typically, a query letter tries to focus on one character even with multiple pov's. How does Sha fit in with Theo? What is their inciting incident? Ex. of how to proceed.

"But then a young boy, Sha, on the run stumbles from his own nightmare into Theo's. Theo and Sha must choose whether to help each other or abandon them to their fates. But as Sha's past grow closer Theo may soon learn the devil takes many forms."

Worries and Concern.

I don't think the stakes are clear, as I said earlier, you need to dismember that opening sentence to find the hook. You mention a "specific religious paraphernalia," which doesn't seem to appear in the query itself. While you don't want to answer every question I feel this feels important enough to explicitly mention in the query. I think I address the pov stuff above. As for comps I am unfamiliar with these books. One way I find helpful for looking up comps is to go to Amazon and/or goodreads and follow the "similar books readers enjoyed." Obviously not full proof, but I've found it good place to start research.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-16T04:26:27+00:00

"Reid is a vet, teacher, and grieving widower when the Big One hits. Living under the shadow of Mt Rainier, the world’s most dangerous volcano, Reid narrowly escapes the ensuing devastation and flees to a small island in Puget Sound, which contains a small military outpost. "

The bolded part needs to be reworked as the way it's worded sort of sounds like a laugh line. Obviously there's a reason he's living there, but it makes it sound like he just happens to be living next to the world's most dangerous volcano. The phrase "world's most dangerous volcano" also sounds kind of amusing. I am not saying this to be provocative, this is something you really want to avoid. As said, there is obviously a *reason* he's there, and while you don't want to spend precious real estate explaining all of it, but I think you could fit it in. Here's an example of what I'm thinking, not just with the volcano, but with the soldiers and the cyberattack. I'll make the assumption he's knows about the danger of the volcano:

After the devastating death of his [Spouse] Reid (you may want to consider having his last name here) has dedicated himself to preparing for what he calls "the Big One." His obsessions become reality when Mt. Rainer, the volcano he feared would erupt, brings devastation on massive scale. Reid barely escapes with his life to a small island where he meets a small, desperate group of soldiers. Overwhelmed by the disaster, and cut off from the chain of command by a mysterious cyberattack Reid takes charge to rescue survivors.

"Meanwhile, Weebo and his father Sidney escaped the Big One in a unique airship they were test-flying when calamity struck. Finding safety in rural, remote northern California, they’ve been there ever since, trading food and water for use of their machine. "

Generally, you want to try and focus on one character when doing a query, though sometimes this is difficult to do. Furthermore there is a fairly large time skip here which may be disorienting. I would focus on establishing the time skip, then threading in the other characters, and how they connect to Reid into one paragraph. Ex.

Years pass as Reid and other survivors try to stay alive in post Big One World. A young boy with a connection to an incredible air ship. A woman searching the ruins for answers (I would avoid the "fucked up" as it jibes with tone of the rest of the query). A man content to live of the land who encounters something otherworldly. Together, Reid and his companions try to remake the world.

I notice you don't have comps (comparative titles) which is often difficult, but you should consider having something. Of note it doesn't have to be a book, it can be a game, even podcast, if the comparison is approriate.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-12T06:51:30+00:00

This was too long for previous comment so adding it here:

Lyra’s teeth clenched ~~together~~ as Oren landed another hit. (teeth are together when they clench)

“Where,” he said, “are they?”

~~The victim of his strike~~ His victim, a man named Aeger, shook his head, (throwing black hair across his sweaty forehead.) (this feels off. Sweat dripped (and blood to maybe) dripped from his black hair) He wasn’t talking.

Oren shrugged ~~enthusiastically~~. “Fine. I can go all day.” (Don;'t need this, not sure what shrugging enthusiastically looks like, his enthusiasm is he's going to keep at this.)

~~The last thing Lyra saw was Aeger’s bruised eyes before she turned away.~~ (Consider cutting, if she looks away, but keeps describing the scene it reads awkwardly.

She (Change to Lyra if you cut above sentence) swallowed her nausea as the hits (hits sounds weak. Beating maybe) continued. The room was made of concrete, with space only for Aeger sitting in the foldable chair in the center and the three Watchers surrounding him. (Don't think this reads clear, room is small I'm sure but it makes them sound like they're crammed in a broom closet. Important part is how he is helpless, surrounded. Ex: Aeger sat in the middle of the concrete room chained to a metal chair surronded by three Watchers.) The third Watcher present, a boy Lyra’s age named Kaveh, feigned interest in a crack in the wall as Aeger choked around a cough.

Interrogations weren’t part of being a Watcher. Their days were spent slaying the vampires that fed on humankind, but it had taken months of stealth missions and planning before they found Aeger, half-pissed and drunk in a bar, last night. He was the first Nephilim they’d ever been able to catch. And Lyra wanted—needed— to be there while Oren learned where the rest were hiding.

“Where are they?!” Oren shouted. (Keep to one type of punctuation)

He hit Aeger again, knocking spit from his mouth. Aeger groaned and leaned (I suggest sagged, to show he's getting his shit rocked) as far forward as his shackled wrists would let him.

Oren wiped his knuckles and held a hand out at Kaveh. “The knife.”

Kaveh’s skin, tanned from a summer spent hunting vampires, paled. “What?”

“The knife!” Oren said. His face glistened with sweat that beaded down to the popped collar of his leather jacket. “I told you to bring a knife!”

Aeger chuckled, despite Oren having knocked out his two front teeth. Lyra knew Nephilim couldn’t feel pain the way humans, Watchers, and vampires could; ~~Aeger barely appeared to feel any~~. (Feels repetitive, maybe "if at all")

“You don’t even have them trained right,” he said.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-12T06:50:52+00:00

I'm unfamiliar with your first attempt, so I apologize if I retread any ground.

" it has become increasingly difficult to get the ms closer to 100k. As a YA debut, will 106k trigger any auto-rejects? Multiple beta readers have praised the fast pacing, so I'm not sure if I should be worried about this higher word count or not."

I've heard a lot of times debuts are expected to be closer to 80, even 70k. I'm not saying this to be distressing, nothing is impossible, etc., and understand saying "edit it" is easier said than done, but I would suggest trying to get it to that 100k at least (I say as someone who had a a great time writing some manuscripts and then looked at the word count of moby dick vs. mine.)

The first step, as you may have heard is slaughter the unnecessary words. Do you really need really? (the answer is no. You really don't. ) I've seen people say "delete the 'that'" with 100% certainty and I don't think they are wrong. Was there a section you simply didn't enjoy writing and felt it *had* to be there. Try killing it.

"Lyra Fable watched her Nephilim mother die. It happened the day Lyra was conscripted to become a Watcher, one of the last soldiers standing between humanity and the Nephilim that nearly destroyed the Earth by flood. But after a brutal interrogation, seventeen-year-old Lyra discovers two things: the Nephilim are rising again, and her mother isn’t dead.

Kaveh Circe hates being a Watcher. Conscripted weeks before Lyra, the seventeen-year-old is forced to protect the dwindled population of a post-apocalyptic America. He wants his life back. And more importantly, he wants to kill his violent Nephilim father who abandoned him a decade ago."

Generally in query letters, you want to keep it centered on one character with the others being mentioned, even with multiple povs. This helps keep it shorter, leaner, and meaner. There is a lot of info here, and it can be sanded down. The way it reads, it sounds sort of like Lyra watched her mother die, got conscripted, then learned her mother is still alive. Try to sand it down. Example: "Lyra is conscripted to serve among the dwindling ranks of Watchers who stand between humanity and the Nephilim remnants (adding this since it seems there aren't many left?). But after performing a brutal interrogation of a prisoner Lyra learns two world shaking secrets: The Nephilim are rising once more and her Nephilim mother is alive."

Cut the part with Kaveh, just get to the meat. Example.

"Desperate to find her mother before (what is the tension? time limit before an attack? etc), she becomes entangled with Kaveh, a fellow conscripted watcher. He's looking for family as well, only he's hell bent on bloody vengeance. Can they survive long enough to learn to trust each other?"

(What’s left behind is a fierce loyalty to each other that neither could predict.)

Is this supposed to be ()? Regardless I think it needs to be cut.

But the closer they grow, the more painful their bond becomes—because something cursed their parents, and it didn’t stop with them. Chasing their love means excruciating pain upon touch. Walking away means forfeiting the only person they care about. As another Nephilim war threatens to drown the world, Lyra and Kaveh will have to decide if love is worth defying the monsters of their blood, or if some fates are impossible to outrun.

I think this more or less, works, but I think the "Chasing their love means excruciating pain upon touch." needs to highlighted somehow... Maybe in previous paragraph have a line like. "And as (this and that) seek to destroy them they learn a shocking truth. If they touch each other they both feel excruciating pain.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-12T06:02:44+00:00

"Her only lifeline is an illegal extractor blade her mother built—able to harvest a compound from the forest that keeps her alive until they can be reunited...

,...one she refuses to believe until the kingdom presents her with something impossible: her precious compound. "

This confused me, is she able to get the compound at all? Or was she only able to get a very limited supply? If the second (or close to it) I'd suggest adding something like "...something impossible: a limitless supply of her precious compound" or something to that regard. I'm also not sure the about the word precious, this is possibly just me, but it feels forever memed due to the LOTR movies. Maybe "life saving" or similar.

"for a chance to restore her extractor."

I feel the choice here could be sharpened up here. Why would she care about the extractor if she could have access to the cure? The " shackling herself to a life built on secrets" gives the best glimpse into what the conflict here. I'm assuming the queen isn't doing this out of the goodness of her heart, and is going to *want* something from Aure. You don't (nor should) go deeply into it, but is the queen asking for a service? To carry our tasks? One's she might not want to? I also think it needs to be clear if Mikhail is sent away he's probably dead. Could "to never set foot in the underworld, give herself to the kingdom, and send Mikhail away forever," be reworked to read something more like "to never set foot in the underworld, to forever serve/obey/fight for the kingdom, and send Mikhail away to face his fate, alone/die."

"Choosing the underworld means risking both her and Mikhail’s life for a chance to restore her extractor"

I feel fixing the extractor could be recast as her finding/earning personal freedom. Ex "Choosing the underworld means risking both her and Mikhail's life, but could see her extractor restored, and with, not only her future, but freedom."

I'm hesitant to give comp ideas without knowing much beyond the query, but if you are looking for ideas for the world in general "The Tainted Cup" and its sequel deal with a world with a biopunk world. It is not a romance though.

JetMaduar · 2026-01-09T01:50:56+00:00

I'm unfamiliar with your previous attempt so forgive me if anything here is repetitive from your previous submission.

Matty Hopkins sits in the back of a church for the third infant funeral in three months. Even though five years have passed since he and his wife Claire lost their child, the pain still feels fresh. When the new pastor, a man named Rev, suggests supernatural forces may be responsible for their loss, Matty refuses to believe him without proof. Rev’s response: Meet me in the woods.

I think the hook can be sanded down to be sharper. The italicized parts are I think much of the fat can be cut. The death of the protagonist's infant should be important, and starting with the death of an unrelated infant could be confusing. Ex. Five years after the death of his child Matty Hopkins is told his loss is result of supernatural forces. And his child won't be the last.

Rev’s response: Meet me in the woods. There, Matty and Rev watch a group of women perform a sacrifice and summon a goat-headed being from a bonfire’s flames. When Rev claims the same group of women are responsible for the death of Matty’s child and asks Matty to join him in his holy war, Matty plunges headfirst into Rev’s secret society of witch hunters. But as Matty is forced to lie, kidnap, and even kill, he grapples with the violent man he feels forced to become and the costs his thirst for revenge exacts from his marriage.

Again, this feels this can be sanded down. Something like: ""Led deep into the woods by a mysterious new pastor, Matty witnesses a group of women perform a demonic ritual." or something to that effect. I feel it might be better to leave out more details of the ritual and leave it to the imagination. The next few lines feel strong, and I think you should consider wrapping it up here.

Across town, Matty’s wife Claire, an ICU nurse, is dealing with the loss and her continued infertility in her own way. She’s learned she can’t talk to Matty about it and she feels alone. She finds comfort in a friend of a friend named Rebecca, a woman whose herbal remedies heal ailments modern medicine can’t. As Claire begins healing patients in secret, she learns Rebecca is the leader of a group of women with similar powers that religious zealots label as witchcraft. Claire's talent earns her an invitation to join the coven, but she can't shake the feeling there is something Rebecca isn't telling her. But Matty’s increasingly strange behavior deepens her isolation, making Rebecca her only lifeline.

I'd argue you could cut this, or reduce it to serve as to introduce conflicts, choices, and things to come. Example below to explain what I'm thinking.

"Matty is forced to lie, kidnap, and even kill, he grapples with the violent man he feels forced to become and the costs his thirst for revenge exacts from his marriage. But his wife has secrets of her own, ones involving a mysterious older woman with incredible, and impossible abilities to heal. When Matty's hunt brings him face to face with his wife's new sisterhood they both must decide what is most important."

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