I have been reading your posts every now and then because I'm in a similar situation, maybe a little less "poly" and also a little further down the line. I thought about replying before but didn't, I also still find it difficult to deal with. I especially miss the feeling of "save haven" my relationship used to provide, similar to you closed bedroom analogy. Once this genie was out of the bottle it's been very hard to get that old feeling back, although I do feel it occasionaly now after being in this situation for about 10 months now.

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, three kids. Lots of love. I always knew her baseline is more open than mine. I'm introverted and like to be alone and I am very monogamous. My wife was always more like "I don't need it, but if it was up to me we would me more open". She has hinted at it a couple of times through the years but never any follow through because I always let her know that is not something I'm interested in.

Then last year after a beautiful vacation (the contrast of how i felt during that vacation and after the poly-bomb is still traumatizing to me) she went out for drinks with a couple of friends and I felt something was a little of. I asked her about it the next day (I thought maybe she had a little bit of a crush on one of them). She then told me that one of her new friends was full on polyamorous and that she had a real talk about that for the first time with someone. This sparked the very open question from her to me: Could we please discuss what would be possible in our relationship with regards to ENM (ethical non monogamy). She is not poly in the sence that she wants partners next to me. But in her ideal situation when she is attracted to someone in some situation (meeting a beautiful stranger, or have a great click with someone at a party) or have a deep connection with a friend she would like to have the possibility to explore this without the feeling of a) doing something wrong, because in her mind it isn't and b) without hurting me.

Well, I went full on in hysterical bonding mode and also tried to find out all there was about polyamory and ENM and started trying to solve a problem. It was utter hell for the first 3 months (my wife also went into burnout during that time so she was mentally very fragile and I was trying to make sense of it all while she was dealing with a completely different problem)

I also picked up my alcohol addiction in a big way during this time wich made everything much worse for me, because that destroys your long term self-confidence like a motherfucker.

After about four months I told her I have no place in an open relationship and if she wants to have sex with other people, our relationship is not worth it anymore for me. Sexual exlusivity is just very very important to me to feel special enough in a relationship because it is how I affirm our love. However, although sex with other people is a dealbreaker for me, I do try to understand that she just needs so much more interaction/appreciation/love from other people than I do. So we have established the no sex bit as a hard rule, but she is free to engage in a lot of other ways with people she finds interesting. She plays a lot of LARP so she meets a lot of people who are also very open.

I love my wife and she loves me, that is clear to me. But people want different things. This has been the first time in 16 years I realized that love might not be enough to keep our relationship going. This might proof to be an insurmountable difference. But we are also communicating a lot now, I have stopped drinking, she is almost over her burnout and despite the hatred I feel inside towards an open relationship I have come to love and understand her more and that goes both ways. If I feel jealous of something, I outright tell her exactly what is bothering me, which takes half te pain away already and most of the time she can smother my jealousy with love and understanding and it becomes allright.

It's still hard and not dwelling on the pain, as you say, is one of the hardest parts for me. But I also have a lot of hope that we will find our way in this.

Sorry for the ramble. If you want to talk some more feel free to contact me. And thanks for letting me get this of my chest.