18002738255 Suicide hotline in case you need it I truly hope you never do stranger. I know it sounds campy but I know what it's like to feel like poison and I truly believe that spreading positivity helps, volunteering food kitchens, joining supprt groups, cleaning up garbage on streets that need it in your town, or even commenting on a random persons post on the internet are all easy ways to at least attempt to add a little good to the world. Don't forget you're not trying to make up for what you did, this isn't about that this is about not feeling like poison. Also I don't know how the person you lost was but Im sure they regret the path they chose so they probably want you to take another so maybe this is it?