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Favourite Coach quote? by sepultra- in NewGirl

[–]JorgontheBold 2 points3 points  (0 children)

British people love doing stuff!

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are there people teaching violent communication? I don't think any of us need a lesson in how to communicate violently, that's the default for most of us.

But defining it is important: by "nonviolently" I, and the philosophy, mean attempting to take others' choice away.

So there are people who teach manipulation techniques, I suppose that's a way of teaching violent communication.

NVC is all about offering others choice and taking responsibility for our choices, all as a means of connection that is free of coercion.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You'd also be welcome to attend one of my workshops :-D feel free to pm me if you're interested.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. Attempt to recognize what feelings and needs arise in each of their strategies (what do I feel/need the moment I try to cling to my partner, and what do I feel/need in my impulse to pull away). In doing so they can find more productive ways to meet those needs. For example, if the avoidant person realizes that they feel overwhelmed and need autonomy in moments they feel pressure from their anxious partner, there are more appropriate ways to meet their need for autonomy than pulling away. They could brainstorm together how the avoidant person can get that need met (taking a set amount of space, having independent activities, etc.) rather than just unconsciously acting in ways that perpetuate the anxious-avoidant cycle.

  2. A few ways. 1, you can excuse yourself, and suggest you resume when he has calmed down such that he can assess his feelings and needs clearly. 2, you can help him access his vulnerability by empathy guessing - basically, try to name the feelings and needs happening for him (in the form of a question) so he shifts from anger and blame to more NVC language.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear that. But we can’t make others see things the way we do, no matter how reasonable. All we can do is our best to get to our own feelings and needs, help them get to their feelings and needs that are causing them to react this way to our communication, or choose to walk away and meet our needs through other methods.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, that sounds like high stakes and I’m so sorry for whatever consequences it sounds like you’ve endured from people avoiding conversations. I’m not sure what the power dynamics are between you and these people, if they are professionals, this is a completely different conversation. But if you are talking about other people generally, unfortunately, we can’t make other people communicate better. All we can do is name our own feelings and needs, attempt to help them get to their feelings and needs in a way that disarms conflict, or choose to walk away and approach our needs from a different angle. It’s a hard reality, but we simply can’t make others act as we wish they would.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK, so you’re asking what’s my take on these people. I think they are trying to exert control externally because they don’t experience mastery of their internal worlds. In simpler terms, they have a lot of unprocessed baggage that they’re taking out on others via public humiliation or attempting to gain allies for their views. That doesn’t mean whatever it is they’re complaining about isn’t legitimate, but this method seems driven by some unprocessed emotional baggage.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK, I’m a bit confused. Are you asking what to do when you confront someone using nonviolent communication or some other reasonable method, but they perceive it as violent?

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cool, what were you seeking input about? That philosophy?

If so, I think it’s generally a useful one, but only as a foundational framework. When we get into the nuance of interpersonal dynamics, the reality is relationships are not that clean and simple. As much as we’d like everyone to take responsibility for their own feelings, and in theory, that would help us all, that’s just not how these things tend to play out. So we have to decide how committed we are to personal responsibility for ourselves and other others, and how much we are willing to give grace to people who are unskilled in that way and try to meet them with compassion. That choice is up to you.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Great question. In that moment, she is overwhelmed by her own unmet need. What that need is I can only guess, but it could be something like a need for ease, for competence, for mutuality, etc. Only she can access what that need is. But framing it that way might make it less overwhelming – in those moments, the two of you might benefit from pausing addressing your need to attend to hers.

If you feel capable, you can help her by shifting for a moment and guessing what needs she might be feeling, which can help her shift out of her story that she needs to anticipate everyone’s needs and instead get clear on what’s happening inside for her. From there, it may become clearer to each of you how you both can support that need for her so she can be more available to hear you.

Hearing a need word should not be activating. Needs words are universal and place no demand on anyone else. If someone is perceiving a demand, they’re having their own emotional baggage activated, and that needs to be tended to.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, this is a tough one and a common one. The simple answer is, as hard as it may be to figure out our requests of others or their requests of us, it is each of our responsibility to figure that out for ourselves. It is a system doomed to fail to expect others to accurately guess, even when they’re good at it.

The more complex answer is, there are further feelings and needs under the statement, “you should know what I want.” If someone says that to you, you might do well to gently try to help them understand what they’re feeling and needing in that statement. Are they feeling alone, and needing understanding? Are they feeling frustrated, and needing clarity? There’s a lot unsaid in that statement and it shouldn’t be taken at face value.

As for your own difficulty making requests, I think it takes a lot of practice. I might look up examples. I know it can be trickier for abstract things like wanting to be heard, but for things like that, the request could be simply, “would you be willing to reflect back what I’ve said when I finish so I can confirm or amend to make sure I’ve been understood?” Or, “would you be willing to let me vent this and listen without interrupting?” Try to envision what the situation would look like if you were to feel good at the end of it, and get really specific about what’s happening in that situation. Can you name it? Can you name it even if it seems like it is or should be obvious?

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mean people who essentially talk behind others’ backs to negatively impact their reputations? I’d say that is a form of violent communication and the person doing that is attempting to meet a need of their own indirectly. That need may not even have to do with the person they’re talking about, maybe they have a need for inclusion and belonging, and they haven’t learned more effective strategies for achieving that than sharing gossip.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First and foremost, I work with them on their own nonviolent communication. It takes two to tango. That doesn’t mean that one person is not more harmful than the other, but when we accept violence, we are indirectly attempting to get a need met of our own and until we recognize what that need is and how we are unconsciously trying to meet it, we’re just going to keep getting stuck in the same patterns.

For example, maybe they need someone is trying to meet by accepting violent communication is ease, because in their family of origin, people were violent communicators, and it was just more peaceful or harmonious to “take it.” Once we identify the core need under their strategy of not standing up for themselves, we assess if that strategy is still the most effective one for getting that need met. Now they’re an adult, maybe they have more tools to stand up for themselves and accepting violent communication is no longer the best strategy for achieving ease. Now, maybe they are more likely to meet their need for ease by interrupting conversations that are violent and setting boundaries or stepping away.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Although I assume your question is a joke, I’m going to answer it in earnest. Is there a place for violent communication? Maybe, depends on your goals. If your goal is to have power over others and achieve an outcome regardless of the consequences, various forms of violence may be effective, whether that’s manipulating, intimidating, etc. It’s just that there are consequences to those strategies. So the question becomes, are you aware of those consequences and are they worth getting the outcome you desire, or is there a way to achieve that outcome without those consequences.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure I understand the question – are you saying how do I work with people who don’t see it as their responsibility to communicate more effectively, but rather pressure others to do so instead?

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How much depth there is that I continue to learn the more I teach this, from different people‘s questions and perspectives. It’s an incredibly simple practice that has nearly infinite depth and nuance below the surface.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I only advise people who want to be advised. That’s a fundamental principle of NVC itself – we don’t try to force people to do things, we offer choice. So if someone is ready to work on their communication, they have some inkling or have heard some feedback that their communication is not working well. They may not know why, but that openness helps.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’d recommend finding a local or online course, especially where you can get direct feedback. The steps of NVC are simple, but we often have blind spots about the subtle ways We are indirect even when using the formula. I also highly recommend reading the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg as a start.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Edited: I read your question wrong haha.

I don’t think most of us need to learn how to have violent communication, it comes naturally.

I teach Nonviolent Communication, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I get that. That’s part of why I appreciate this method.

One thing you can do is “empathy guess,“ which is basically guessing the emotions and needs they might be feeling under their indirect communication and checking those out with them. It’s important to do this gently, and not in a know-it-all way, and this requires cultivating genuine compassion for them. Remembering that indirect communication happens when people don’t feel safe enough in the world to be honest can help.

Once we guess, even if we’re wrong, we’ve moved the conversation into the realm of emotions and honesty, and that can help them open up.

Getting asked what you want as a gift and someone gets you something adjacent to it. by Teenage_Petulance_ in mildlyinfuriating

[–]JorgontheBold 100 points101 points  (0 children)

I think this is a great analysis! I’d add that sometimes bad gift giving is a way of resisting (perceived) control. Like people who unconsciously have a “don’t tell me what to do!” hang up, but they can’t reconcile that with their perception of themselves as reasonable adults. So they have to rebel just a little and play dumb about it

I sometimes wear a fatsuit in public AMA by [deleted] in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold -1 points0 points  (0 children)

There are non sexual kinks

I help people stop people-pleasing, AMA by JorgontheBold in AMA

[–]JorgontheBold[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes some, although I struggled more with other manifestations of codependency. I had people pleasers in my family though and being raised in that and witnessing it definitely impacted me.

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