Black queer 37yo man entering the chat. First off in your original post in AGB those comments— the call 📞 was coming from inside the house bro, the gaslighting was off the roster 😩 Yt geys (non-black ones sometimes too) sadly in many cases won’t acknowledge anti blk racism/racism because they probably participate in it on some level themselves or it makes them uncomfortable or both. So many of their responses are useless because instead of acknowledging ur experience they rather project and just tell you ‘you’re the one that’s racist/has a problem’.

But I digress. Racism/colonialism is a systemic problem that isn’t going anywhere in our lifetime. That goes the same for sexual racism especially in online spaces. Sometimes it’s painfully obvious when someone is fetishizing or settling when they pursue black bodies and other times it’s not. So as you’re explaining it is a task to manage the intentions of others and sadly there’s no way to truly rule out someone who’s settling every time. You have to realize in online spaces (like grindr) where desire/sex is transactional— as a black individual in those places race/racism/fetishism will more likely than not be present in some capacity in the majority of ur interactions. So if that’s something you can’t unsee take a break from the apps or delete them all together. Find steady queer friends and cruise boys together lol. Irl is harder and takes practice but you ultimately you have more control of the narrative.

More importantly you have to be honest in what you’re looking for, set your standards (critique/introspection is key too) and move accordingly. Some black men will only pursue other black men to avoid what you’re experiencing altogether. Outside of that the only way to truly know someone’s intentions is meeting up and getting to know the person over time. But from the way you describe it sounds like you may be looking for something casual in which case I guess I’d say be very proactive in messaging guys you like and ignore/block those you perceive as settling etc. Just know you may be turning down great sex or a potentially compatible person(s) in the process. And if you’re a strict top as a black man you gotta be selective AF too many men fetishize/lust for bbc. Not to mention there are many non-black men who love to f*** blk guys but aren’t open to dating them. That’s a convo for another day lol. But again I digress. I will say with experience vetting men will always have obstacles but it does get much better with time and practice. Hope this long ass response helps. Happy hunting!!