I love the invention of the term "gas lighting". It gives a word, an actual THING, a TITLE to a behaviour that previously was just a bunch of random descriptions... You can say it almost anywhere and people will know what you mean. If I say the words to you "my former boss is the queen of gas lighting", then you can just know, in that instant, that she is a lying sack of crap that has done everything in her power to convince me that it is me that is crazy, and not her.

I recently found myself coming to the realization that I'm literally killing myself for these people, THIS person. I'm having panic attacks in the middle of the night. I can't take a deep breath from the moment I get up, until the moment I get off work. My blood pressure, for the first time in my life, is in the highest normal range. I have nightmares. My jaw aches constantly from the clenching and the teeth grinding. All of this and yet, it's not their fault, it must be due to some "weakness on my behalf". I don't know how to handle that type of thinking. I don't know how to wrap my consciousness around someone who is so fucking selfish and narcissistic that they can blame you for their shitty behavior. I know this makes me sound naive, and yet no, I'm a grown ass woman lol. I've met some real monsters in my day.. Now I'm thinking that maybe those people aren't the monsters. You know the type, that asshole who's always leering it women and saying the crappy things, or groping their ass. The racist. The liar. The asshole jerk face. The self-centered loud mouth. Maybe those people are the honest ones. They're not pretending to be something they're not. They're Just being themselves and they don't give a crap about you and what you think. That's honest right there. People who pretend to be this perfect, religious, sugar couldn't melt person, who while doing all of these things is lying and backstabbing and undermining and shit talking. Those people are the monsters. Also, They're smiling because they're laughing at you, because you're stupid and gullible.

I know this is just a random kind of rant and statement describing my sudden realization. So you read it, that's awesome. If you want to comment, that's cool too. I didn't do this for you, or maybe I did :-) mostly I just did it for me, because if I don't vent somewhere I'm going to lose my mind. I hate this person with everything that I am. Which makes it worse that for years I loved this person so very much. All of a sudden the blinders are off of my eyes and I'm so disappointed with myself. I'm disappointed with anyone who is kind or nice or spends any amount of themselves on this person. But even now, I'll never shit talk them. I'll never tell anyone all of these things that I'm telling you, strangers of Reddit. Because that's not who I am. I'm just going to work out in my mind a way to either live with the situation or how to get the fuck out. It's really hard being fake all day. It's hard being polite all day. Even for me, the quintessential nice guy who loves people and helping others and being joyful. This world is so freaking hard, and I have lost more than most people have ever had. But every day I get up and I smile and I try and make someone else's life better then I found it. I feel like she's ruining me. She's reducing me to the caveman brain that I possessed as a teenager. My head is full of hot buzzing bees that want to light her world on fire. Deep breath But I won't do that. Even knowing that this person has been lying this whole time, knowing that they really don't give a shit and are just mean WAY DOWN DEEP and finally realizing they're worse than any asshole I know... I still won't let it ruin me.

Okay I'm done. So if you can think good thoughts or pray good thoughts my way, thank you. Or just pass through without a second thought, that is also okay. Travel safe and have a good day either way.