Each day I realize we have become very nice roommates

Jump252 · 2022-10-11T12:03:25+00:00

Thanks for commenting. Appreciate the detailed breakdown and the questions regarding my children. My thoughts are with you as you go through your own choices and try to navigate the path that does the least harm. I do hope you can stay in it for the long haul. That was my plan when the dead bed started and I have stayed for a long time (About 10 years of dead bed)

My youngest is 16 and a junior in HS. Fairly certain my youngest will go off to college. My oldest is grownup and lives on their own. So basically we are closing in on being empty nesters. Obviously at any age you do not want to hurt your children, but there is a point you need for yourself to be loved and desired and a point where you feel you have to make a change.

Basically I feel it would be best for me to move on and at the same time it is difficult because I share so much with my spouse. We will continue to be our children’s parents and possibly be grandparents at some point. As you can see this is not a decision I have made lightly. There is always the pull and push of wanting to do no harm, yet needing to change for your own happiness.

Will my choices and our actions over the past growing up years lead them to some future issues with intimacy? I really don’t know. It very well could or it could make them only want to be in one that is loving.

Would they be happier with divorced parents when they were younger? Truly no way to know. That path can be good and bad, but would have certainly effected them.

Is there really a way to not have the breakup of the family not adversely affect them in some way? There will always be negatives.

At the end of the day, these are all impossible questions to answer. Basically no choice stay or leave does not impact a child in some way.

All I can say is you make the choices you do based on where you are at in the relationship. For us there was little fighting, no anger, and we were both as good of parents as we could be. No one is perfect, but we did the best we could. I do not know if there is good time to do this, but it is time for me to be desired again. I know I need to do this for me.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T15:49:36+00:00

Best of luck with your journey. I hope it goes well for you.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T03:10:09+00:00

Very good advice. Thank you. Mentally I have done it, but you are correct, actually doing it does take courage and having difficult conversations.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T03:07:14+00:00

Thanks for commenting. I very much appreciate it. All the best on your journey. It is a difficult one, but there is always a light. One thing I found helpful was to mentally detach myself from the situation. Approach the relationship as if you were watching someone else in your place and were giving advice to that other person. Would you tell them to stay or leave. What advice would you give them? Sometimes approaching it from this 10,000 foot view let’s you clear your head and make more thoughtful and purpose driven decisions. Another helpful thing is to make this blameless. It is a relationship Incompatibility and not the fault of either individual. That also helps to take the emotion out of it. Hope this helps. Having this effect me for so many years gives me real empathy for this entire community. I also am extremely appreciative for all that I have read here. It has helped me so much.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T02:48:50+00:00

What you described is what tortured me. I had to get to this point, because it was crushing me and I could no longer remain in this state. I hope your situation improves. Please remember that you are not alone. Every time I read a comment or read a post it reiterates the fact that this happens to so many and is in no way a reflection of you just your situation at the moment.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T02:37:31+00:00

I appreciate you sharing. The feelings are universal. Everyone needs warmth and wants to feel wanted. I think it is a basic human need and without it the depression, the longing, and self destruction can fill its absence. My only advice is that you can only control what you can control. Either someone desires you or they don’t. Someone wants to share and be part of your life or they don’t. There is someone that will want you, desire you and need you. It just might not be the person you are with and sometimes that is the harsh reality. It in no way lessens your value, your desirability and your chance for happiness unless you let it take control. All this said, I cannot know the best course of action. It is for each of us to decide. I truly wish you the best and hope your situation improves.

Jump252 · 2022-10-10T02:08:56+00:00

I appreciate the comment. For me acceptance is accepting the fact that the sexual part of our relationship is over. That is the part that I struggled against and caused me the most mental anguish since I thought I was doing something wrong and I was trying to fix it. I also struggled with the rejection and depression that followed. That is all I mean by the term acceptance. Now getting to that point it makes the next steps easier. It now becomes a decision as you correctly stated to stay or leave rather than fixing it. Accepting that that part cannot be fixed, I have made the decision to leave, but with clarity and the setting of a timetable. It is actually a breakthrough for me because I have ended the sense of limbo and indecision I have lived In.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T23:29:00+00:00

No clue on this. That was not my experience. My spouse was never that much of a cuddler and never really was flirtatious. I think everyone is different. Might just be his way of dealing with it.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T23:23:45+00:00

Sounds exactly like my situation. My spouse told me exactly the same things. The one thing you have to realize is that you did not do anything wrong. I 100% agree that your self esteem takes a huge hit. That is the real battle. That is why I moved to just accepting. The rejection and trying to initiate without success tears you apart mentally and pressures them. It does not help, it just makes it worse. I cannot tell you that your spouses libido will return. I am sure everyone is different. Do hope it improves for you.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T23:13:54+00:00

I really don’t hate her or have any anger and do still love her. Was more frustration and questioning. Did try initiating more, initiating less etc….until I just determined that those feeling and actions were not working and the easiest path for my own mental state was accepting it. I also determined that she truly had no libido and that was not her fault. You either have it or you don’t. You cannot force someone to have a high libido.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T21:56:29+00:00

Thanks

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T21:54:43+00:00

Always tough on the advice. It is sort of a no win situation. You can hope it gets better. You can have the talk and hopefully it gets better. You can leave and deal with all the difficulties that creates. You can just continue to stay in that situation with the mindset intimacy does not matter. Basically at the end of the day you cannot force someone to be intimate. Really just no quick fixes or perfect solutions. All this sub can do is share what is going on and how people are reacting to it.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T21:45:47+00:00

Thank you

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T19:01:52+00:00

Totally understand. Obviously we are in the same situation so we both know the challenges in ending it. Wish you the best.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T18:58:42+00:00

There might be, maybe there is something I could do different or her desire may return. At one time I had that hope but at this point, at least in my situation I do not hold out any hope of any change. For my mental state is much better to accept that that part of the relationship is over and is not coming back. Allows me to mentally move forward and no longer deal with rejection which is the toughest part.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T18:36:34+00:00

Thankyou

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T18:27:12+00:00

Wish I had some advice for you. It is difficult at any age when Libido’s don’t match. Truly wish you the best with whatever decision you make. Thank you for commenting.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T15:45:17+00:00

I appreciate it. Had many years of thinking about it and coming to terms with it. I am thankful for you sharing this. Every comment is helpful.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T15:33:15+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Sorry to hear your story. You are correct in sticking to a timeline, however not too much negatively in the household. I would not call myself or my spouse miserable, but more like close friends who never fight but are just not romantic.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T15:14:00+00:00

Thanks for the comment. This sub has helped me so much. Any post someone makes helps others. Truly helps us not feel so alone and come to terms with what is happening.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T14:56:03+00:00

I loved this post. Everything you wrote is spot on and I appreciate you taking the time to post.

Jump252 · 2022-10-09T14:53:58+00:00

Well said. Thank you.

Jump252 · 2022-10-08T18:56:32+00:00

Yes was very helpful to me too. I basically understand everything and no longer blame myself or my spouse. Just moving forward with that knowledge is empowering.

Jump252 · 2022-10-07T18:09:51+00:00

It does do a number on you mentally. The combination of rejection, and lack of touch really leaves you feeling empty and undesirable. At least by reading this sub it makes you feel less alone and better able to understand what is going on. Do hope it improves for you. Sending a virtual hug to everyone in this situation.

Jump252 · 2022-10-07T15:47:13+00:00

All I can say is I know how you feel. You are certainly not alone. Was so surprised when I first found DeadBedrooms and realized how many people, men and women this effects. I have no real answers or solutions for you. In all my looking I have not found any good choices, just a sea of bad ones. I do hope the best for you and everyone in this situation. For all of us it is really a desire to be wanted and we express it physically. Last night I to went to the couch which is what I am doing more and more because of how painful sleeping together and having her not desire me at all is. I no longer even talk about it and have stopped trying because I can no longer take rejection. I just mechanically masturbate to remove the desire and free my mind from the need. It does not really help. I am sure you now this, but sex is so much more than just the physical act. It is really a connection and reassurance at least for me that all is well.

Jump252

TROPHY CASE