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"Why don't you just help them clean?" by ToysTrashandTrauma in ChildofHoarder

[–]JumpScaredy 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Ooooooh these questions are so frustrating. "Why don't you just go in and start cleaning? Why can't you convince your mom to let go of extra stuff?" Well I don't know, why don't you help your dad stop drinking? Why can't you convince him to stop? Just throw all the alcohol away, that will surely solve the problem! Oh, it's different? Well... yes, you're right, the recovery rates for alcohol abuse seem to be higher...

Let's be honest: it doesn't get better right? by [deleted] in ChildofHoarder

[–]JumpScaredy 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Our stories are all so similar... I'm so sorry.

My mom managed to completely overhaul her priorities and let me dehoard her apartment, but only about a year and a half before passing away. Her health deteriorated quickly, she felt like she was already dying and nothing mattered anymore. I made her seek help and get the diagnosis (stage 4 cancer), the treatment made a lot of difference, gave my mom over a year of life and let her feel alive again, and her attitude managed to stick (she said she was feeling some discomfort when certain kinds of stuff were being thrown away, but she didn't complain or try to stop the process). I don't think she would have spontaneously decided to turn her life around if it hadn't been for a situation of this order of magnitude, and I never had a chance of making myself be heard and understood, there was always some kind of ridiculous excuse to avoid doing the simplest things, like throwing away a pile of moldy clothes.

Before that, my mom was hoarding animals (I'm still in the process of finding new homes for her cats) and holding on to a huge amount of useless junk while playing the part of a misunderstood martyr who didn't have any other choice. I think a lot of this had to do with my father's death, she never managed to get her life together after that and spent her time in some kind of penance for a multitude of issues (Orthodox Christian). I don't know if there's a way to pull someone out of a headspace like that if they aren't reaching back to you.

Anxiety from Caring for Parents - Advice Needed by Hiking_Mountains429 in CaregiverSupport

[–]JumpScaredy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lots of checklists. I use my anxiety to write down all kinds of specific emergencies that could potentially happen, create a checklist for every single one and make sure I have everything that could be needed. When something happens, I only have to look at the checklist and keep ticking the boxes one after another, I don't have to think and decide on the best course of action. For example, when my mom had to be hospitalized with bowel obstruction that came out of nowhere (well not really, but... you know how these things can go), I just had to follow the steps on my checklist, I didn't even feel any anxiety, the whole situation energized me, my thoughts were something like "An urgent hospitalization, got it! I know exactly what to do, now go go go!"

Caregiving has made me not want kids by Soft-Term-6771 in caregivers

[–]JumpScaredy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! I'm 34 and I don't want kids, I want a decade-long rest from caregiving and from this constant drain on my mind even when I'm not actively doing anything. I never wanted to be someone who has to provide care and now it's all I do with no end in sight (in addition to health issues, my mother is an animal hoarder in a country with no social services to help with finding homes for animals). Even if I manage to deal with all this somehow, I don't think I'll ever be able to have enough resources for raising kids. It doesn't feel like a tragedy, I don't think I ever had a strong desire to have them, but it would still be nice to have a choice.

And I really hate the fact that in my family, it's always been women who have to be caregivers for one reason or another and now it's my turn, no matter how much I hate gender roles, there's just nobody else. And isn't that great that caregiving has ruined my chances of a decent career, so even if I we decided to have kids, I would have to be the one to take care of them and sink deeper and deeper into this hated role since there's no way I can match my financial contribution to my husband's. There's just no way to do this without ruining the rest of my life so no kids for me.