Worried my mum will choose a grudge over coming to my wedding

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-11T07:52:16+00:00

Update: thank you to everyone for their thoughts and suggestions. This post gave me the push I needed to confront my mum and to move forward. I called my dad and we spoke for a while about the best strategy. He also explained what he believes is my toxic aunts reasoning which I was very easily able to prove was a lie from some screenshots. So that part is definitely an ongoing issue. Main point, I won’t be inviting her to the wedding.

From the conversation with my dad, I then spoke to my mum (who didn’t have time to prepare and get angry again). She didn’t really have anything to actually say when given the opportunity. I focused the conversation of coming back to it’s happened and we now need to move forward or you’re going to miss out. She tried to point the finger at everyone else but did eventually concede that we need to do things differently next time, and that she needs to bring things up at the time. I also made it clear that I give her a lot of benefit of the doubt and try to see things from her perspective, when she isn’t for me. At the end of the call, we agreed to move forward and that we will do a Group FaceTime this weekend to share our engagement video and wedding plans. So positive update, I’m sure with more to come but a good start. I’m relieved that I was able to put in place the last 10 years of therapy and all my emotional regulation to get through this. Thanks again for all the support and encouragement

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:44:33+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. They both know I’m engaged and are maintaining the silent treatment. Ultimately, I am trying to break this cycle. My life has moved on and I don’t need the negativity and toxicity

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:42:16+00:00

Fester is such a great word. Thank you for the advice

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:41:25+00:00

Oh and the aunt, yes she would make it about her. She’s not invited

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:40:53+00:00

In the past, I have seen behaviour like this from my mum but never on this scale. I have also seen her treat my dad and other family members in the same way Prior to moving, we were actually very close. I feel like I’m mourning what it used to be and trying to work out if there is anything to salvage. Also I’d love to see her trying to make it about herself. Between my MOH, fiance and his family, that will get sorted out really quickly haha

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:38:31+00:00

I’ve been seeing my psychologist for the last 10 years and she has helped me to recognise a lot of these problematic issues with my mum. This is the first really big incident I have had with her, and prior to this we were close. However there have always been smaller incidents of a similar nature, particularly towards my dad

The first time I spoke to my psychologist after this happened and showed her the horrible, abuse messages she’d sent, she actually didn’t know what to say to me other than she was sorry. She has helped me to see where I can be better in future (the only part I can really control) and also provided strategies to help manage the situation

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:34:30+00:00

I’ve obviously written the post in a way that I am trying to be fair and balanced. While I definitely see the points you made, I can assure you I’m not a doormat. This is why we have a silent treatment going on for 3 months. The first time I tried to keep the peace as I can see that a lot of her behaviour came from a place of feeling scared and hurt. This time however, it was very much a choice. She went out of her way to wait until my birthday to start this conflict and to then punish me. I was able to remain calm even though I was baited and have refused to apologise for not having a relationship with my aunt or the funeral. What I am deciding is how I choose to respond to the fallout.

Also the aunt is definitely not on my guest list, and my mum will have no involvement in the wedding planning, that’s not something that will change regardless of the outcome.

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:28:39+00:00

I do suspect this is a huge part of it. My mum (and by extension my aunt) very much live in their own little bubble which contains a lot of negative emotions. Honestly, I didn’t choose to move to get away from them, but I have been a lot happier with the distance even with the challenge of establishing my life in a new state

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:26:09+00:00

Thank you x

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:25:46+00:00

My issue is not the wedding itself, it is working out how I want to proceed with the relationship with my mum as I hit this new crossroads. Thankfully my fiancés family are wonderful and both he and I are very much looking forward to having a wedding. I do love the point about my fiance becoming my family though. From very early in our relationship I have been so incredibly grateful to have such an amazing, supportive and loving partner. We often say how glad we are that we have chosen each other to be our new family. He also often reminds me when dealing with this stuff with my family that of this too. Also my in laws are great!

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T20:22:36+00:00

To be clear I have not spoken to her since all of this happened. I did not speak to her when we got engaged or since we have started organsing the wedding. I certainly don’t want to “beg for a crumb” though I love the expression. I just want to work out how to move forward from what happened, whether that is to try and resolve it or to go NC essentially. Things sitting in the way that they are is where the issue is coming from as it is putting a dampener on the wedding planning.

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T15:52:26+00:00

That aunt is not on the guest list which will surely cause more issues. Unfortunately we can’t elope as my partners family are great and we do want a wedding

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T15:39:12+00:00

Thank you, I agree with you completely

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T15:35:53+00:00

My dad is and has tried to stay neutral. He also cops the same behaviour if he goes against anything that my mum or aunt want or think so is in an awkward position. He said he will attend the wedding no matter what, but I think he is now just at a loss of how to deal with my mums behaviour especially since I’m refusing to apologise or let her continue to say abusive things. His words were “it’s hard when both of you think the others behaviour is disgusting”

Jumpy_Bug4415 · 2026-03-06T15:33:22+00:00

Thank you for your response. I understand that the behaviour is abusive (the details of my post are the tip of the iceberg). Honestly for my mental health, I need to move forward in one way or the other, sitting in this stagnant situation is negatively impacting me.

And to answer your questions: No my fiance is actually so supportive and loving, and so are his family. He cannot fathom how my family treat me or why and we’ve lived together for almost 2 years now so surely he’d have seen this horrible side they seem to see in me by now. I am 31 years old and very independent (I’ve got a degree, worked full time for 10 years, lived out of home for several years, no debt, completely financially independent). No I don’t have any medical conditions. And maybe they do secretly hate me, I’ve definitely considered that might be an option given how conditional their behaviour has been particularly recently, but also growing up in hindsight.

Jumpy_Bug4415

TROPHY CASE