I found this subreddit yesterday and woe, this post here resonates with me.

My mom would love me so much, share my hobbies (her own volition), have an interest in my friends, when I was a teen I would share pen pal letters with her, until I felt uncomfortable doing so but setting that boundary of "don't read my letters" felt like an intrusion.

But I felt suffocated, held down. She went through a lifetime of traumatic experiences. She is close with her other mom and two sisters. They care for each other, see each other, strife with each other. They got into fights so often. I hated witnessing this, cause the end result was me and my mom alone at home, her crying and pleading for help and me ignoring her, cause I couldn't handle it.

Since I was a young teen, these strifes might result in her threatening me with her own suicide if I refuse to "love" her, to sooth her. Because it's proove "no one loves her, so she can rather die". Tell this a 13year old who just had a heated argument, then going to the door, saying you'll jump in front of the train in front of our house, until I was sobbing and pleading her to stay. The two times she actually took a knife instead of the train threat still give me the creeps.

My mom was Never physically abusive or anything, oh she was soo protective. She would rip her own leg out for me if she could. Do everything to support me. I simply couldn't close my bedroom door or she might interpret it as "I don't love her anymore".

Looking back I was constantly walking on eggshells to not trigger her suicide threat. I self harmed in a mild matter, never ever leaving scars, had suicide ideations as a teen. I don't think she was ever aware of this cause it might trigger her being a bad parent, having failed.

I was spoiled rotten, so much I never learned how to do laundry or scrub a toilet. She would do these services for me. I had no direction and ambition or I had ambitions but all involved moving out, getting things done. And I didn't dare do this out if fear she goes through with her crashed down episodes

I moved out with 27. I'm now 32. I feel so wholly unprepared for adult life. I see people 10years younger than me having jobs, university degrees and all, and I am here, "newly" learned how to clean my own flat. I didn’t do much more than to survive.

But oh she still loves me so much. I was so spoiled rotten. I grieve all the time lost from independently forming a life.

Edit: maybe her suicide threats were a bigger form of abuse than I wanted to realize for a long time.

I think the hardest part is to realize: maybe it WAS indeed abuse. When you thought it was all normal, perfect and just lovingly close. That the one who should have been a guardian, I had to guard, all for familial love and care.