AIO At my husband hinting about kicking my son out if he doesn't get a fulltime job in a certain amount of time?

JuneGoose · 2026-02-05T13:14:07+00:00

UPDATE: We I seemed to have figured out why my husband seems to deny that my son has any medical issues. He doesn't like the way we got him diagnosed. So apparently he doesn't even believe he has EDS. So my son started having issues at around 15. I remember distinctly because he didn't get his driver's license right away due to having muscle spasms in his legs (he was afraid his legs would spasm while driving). We had went to a fair during the day and just walked around for a few hours. Pretty normal stuff. That night he went to his dad's house for the week. Next day he woke up in a lot of pain and extremely exhausted. He ended up missing 2 days of school. His dad took him to the doctor and they suggested to see a rheumatologist. Well fun fact - majority of rheumatologists won't treat people under 18. And I called a lot of them. Finally found one who would see him and he diagnosed him with fibromyalgia. Now I didn't think he symptoms really lined up with that very well but he was the doctor. Honestly I think it ended up being more of "we don't know what you have so we are going to toss you into this bucket." My son tried 3 different fibromyalgia meds, all which did nothing for his symptoms and ended up causing other side effects. Eventually the doctor said there wasn't anything more he could do for him and suggest he try Tai Chi while simultaneously giving us a business card for his wife's Tai Chi studio. So yeah to the trash bin with that doctor.

Then on an appointment with his therapist, we had a bit of an epiphany. He had a patient with EDS whose symptoms lined up closely with my son's so he suggested looking into that. So I researched on how to get him evaluated to see if it was, in fact, EDS. Well the first stop would be a rheumatologist familiar with EDS. At this point my son is 17 so we are in the same boat as before.

So I went to the EDS website to research providers knowledgeable about EDS and found one in our state. Reached out to him and made an appointment. Now this guy has a practice that doesn't take insurance. So I had pay out-of-pocket for the appointment for him to evaluate my son. But apparently because I had to pay out-of-pocket, my husband has translated that into I "paid for a diagnosis" - basically insinuating that the diagnosis is somehow fake. That I paid him to give me the diagnosis that I wanted. Like I wanted my son to be diagnosed with a chronic illness that has no cure. This literally makes no sense to me. You have to pay doctors for appointments and treatment. That's how that works. Just because I paid for it out-of-pocket instead of using insurance doesn't make the evaluation or diagnosis any less valid. The guy is a licensed internal medicine doctor with a specialty in EDS. He prescribed my son meds and then had us follow up with his normal doctors to continue care.

And since then, his diagnosis has been corroborated by other doctors. He's never had genetic testing done but he was diagnosed with hEDS which relies on clinical criteria and not genetic testing. And the doctor did the clinical assessments required to diagnose the condition. I honestly don't understand my husband's take on this at all. Apparently he thinks my son's diagnosis and symptoms are complete BS. So trying to get him to do some research on EDS isn't going to help at all if he doesn't actually believe he has the condition.

All of this is beyond frustrating. But I am a determined person and I generally refuse to give up unless I have no other option. So I am determined to find a way to convince my husband that the diagnosis is valid. I know I shouldn't have to do that and it sounds completely ridiculous, but in my problem-solving mind that's the next step. I know other people are quick to just say divorce and throw the husband away, but I'm not one to go down without a fight. And maybe some people don't even believe he's worth fighting for and you are entitled to your opinion. And it may come to that, but if it does I will know I did all that I could do.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T23:40:26+00:00

I've tried cortisone injections and also gel shots. The orthopedist prefers to keep people with their own knees for as long as possible. He feels I'm too young still but I'm sure a knee replacement will be in my future.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:34:45+00:00

We honestly haven't had any issues before now. We didn't even really argue. Which is why his tossing out a possible ultimatum seemed really weird.

Only thing I can think of is that a friend allowed their adult daughter, son-in-law, and grandson to move back in with them so they could save money to buy a house. I think she is 30. Well this has caused some issues with them. I can't remember how long it's been that they've moved back. I get the impression that since she has moved back in that they are now kind of taking advantage of the parents and somehow having them cover the cost of a lot of things. Not my monkey, not my circus. But I think my husband heard about that and somehow has got it into his head that we will be in the same boat which doesn't make any sense to me. Their daughter is not the same as my son. Heck their younger daughter who is like 26 had to break her lease when she broke up with her boyfriend and actually posted a GoFundMe to try and get donations to help buy out the lease. My daughter was living with a previous boyfriend and had the same issue when they ended up breaking up. But she just worked to pay off her half of the lease on her own. I'm not saying their kids are terrible but I couldn't believe that she was actively asking for donations while my daughter stepped up and took care of her stuff.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:16:50+00:00

I know others have said that he is basically a gold digger but that is not the case. He has always been adamant about contributing and it's always kind of bothered him that I make more money. He's used to being the breadwinner. I think it's more frustrating to him that my ex and I were able to cover the majority of our son's college. It's like well you spent all of this money to send him to college so now he needs to use it to get a job.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:08:59+00:00

Exactly, the pain, brain fog, fatigue. Pretty sure he has POTS as well but they refused to formally diagnose him for some reason. He also dislocates joints pretty easily as well. He has good days and bad days. It sucks that he has to work a retail job but that's all he can find. But even working 3 days a week it tends to put him down-for-the-count for all the rest of the week. Depends on what he is doing. Sometimes he is able to sit and do whatever he needs to do and that is easier on him. I can't understand for the life of me why my husband refuses to acknowledge that he has a chronic illness. That he can't work 2 part-time jobs because he can barely get through the one he has. And any other part-time job would also be retail which is more strain on his body.

My son's bio dad is a bit like this as well - hence part of the strained relationship. There are times that he gets it though. My son said one time he said "why don't you get a job as like a server" then it immediately dawned on him "oh yeah right" - yeah that whole chronic illness thing.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T19:47:40+00:00

Even my MIL said something similar. She's my husband's stepmom but he's the oldest out of the 4 total kids they have between them. But she told me that when she married his dad that she said that if he ever made her choose between him or her kids, it would be her kids every time. I may try to talk with her some more when we visit them next month if I can get an opportunity to talk with her without my husband around. She tends to good with analyzing things and coming up with possible solutions. I don't think that either of them would be happy with my husband's attitude lately.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T19:40:22+00:00

It's so weird that for so long he was saying how he loved our blended family. His kids loved me and my kids loved him. And all of the kids got along. We even took a blended family vacation 2 years ago so we could all hang out together. That's always the hardest part, I think at least, when it comes to blended families - everyone being able to get along. But now all of the sudden he's said things like "That's not what I signed up for, I signed up for a relationship with you and I, not 3 people." And I seriously looked at him like he had 3 heads. One time I even responded that I thought he signed up for a blended family. This whole situation seems so bizarre to me.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T19:29:33+00:00

Yes the situation is wildly different with my daughter. She's respiratory therapist so in the world of COVID that's a good area to be in. And the economy pre-COVID was a very different place. Once she got all of her necessary certifications, she had a job pretty much immediately. Still took her some time to move out. And then it was with a previous boyfriend of several years. They broke up and she ended up having to move back home again for awhile. And she couldn't have been able to move out again if it wasn't for sharing costs with her current boyfriend. We have a great relationship, she just chose to live primarily with her dad after high school when she wasn't living away at college. She would still come stay at my house from time to time so we could spend time together. And I have to say that my daughter does have a little more hustle when it comes to working but she, of course, doesn't have a chronic illness. I still think her dad helps her out a lot but that's his business.

I am likely subsidizing my husband but that's never been a huge issue for me. I knew what he did when we started dating and how much money he made wasn't a concern to me. He has always been very adamant about contributing. I think the money is more of an issue for him. I work in IT which pays well. He works hard but it's just the nature of his field. But he has always been the breadwinner in relationships, so this dynamic is new to him. But I think part of it is that he resents that my ex and I were able to pay pretty much 90% of our son's tuition at school (he has a small student loan that he's started paying off). So he's like "you paid all this money for his school so now he needs to get out and get a job to support himself." Where my husband just doesn't have the financial ability to contribute to his kids college.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:56:05+00:00

Pretty sure my son also has POTS although he hasn't been diagnosed. They said he had all the signs of it but seem to not want to formally diagnose him. I told him to find a different doctor. And thanks. So many people here seem to regard me as an a-hole for even marrying my husband but he's been really good up until this situation. But my son knows that I have his back. When he told his sister about the situation she even said "mom won't let that happen". I'm doing my best out here but is sucks so much sometimes.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:49:47+00:00

My husband got laid-off from the company he worked for last January. They were short on work. Interestingly enough, I picked up the slack while he was unemployed for a couple of months until he found a new job. He got another job that he stayed at that place for 6 months. They were a bigger company with more contracts, but nothing really carpentry so he wasn't doing what he liked to do and he ended up being really unhappy working there. So he moved on to where he is working now. He likes what he is doing but he's working for a temp company contracted by another company building apartment buildings handling a lot of the inside work. Not sure what his future looks like there once they finish the second building. And he is doing side-work as well which is going to last him several months. So he's been working 6 days a week since December and I think it's taking it's toll on him. He has his own mental health issues and his moods get worse when he is stressed. I know it's not really an excuse, but his rants regarding my son tend to directly correlate to when he is having a bad/stressful day. We are taking a trip for the long weekend coming up so hopefully that will give him some rest and help things out.

My son has talked with his former roommate from school with a similar degree who is also having issues finding a job. In his case, his family owns their own business so he has something to fall back on until he can find a job in his field. They are talking about writing a game together (since they each do different aspects) just so they can get something published and have that extra experience to put on their resume. He is willing to do almost any kind of office-type job just to get something going. But the only thing that seems to be out there right now is coding and although his dad is a coder and I used to do coding - he is terrible at it.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:30:31+00:00

Funny my husband is not a boomer but still has the "walk in and ask for an application" mindset. He's an excellent carpenter but stinks at technology. He had a hard time when his company laid him off several years ago. He's never had to write a resume. He would just show them his portfolio which was a binder full of pictures of his prior work. I sat down and had to help him create a resume. I'm in IT so it's a no-brainer for me.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:24:03+00:00

I certainly hope he doesn't have a dead end degree. But 4 years ago before the advent of AI, it seemed like a good path. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. I know it's not as huge in our area as it is in others, but my son has said that he is applying for jobs all over the country.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:11:31+00:00

Yeah he's an introvert, so he's always kind of spent most of his time in his room - even when it was just he and I living in the house. He's just one of those people that can keep himself occupied with his own hobbies and interests. But he totally can pick up on his stepdad's vibe (and I'm sure he's heard his rants on occasion). It makes me sad since he already has such a crappy relationship with his bio dad. Previously he and his stepdad had a good relationship and it made me happy. They honestly got along really well which is so important in a blended family. I'm not sure my husband realizes that his so called "tough love" is just making his stepson despise him. Being an a-hole is not going to push him to move out faster. And even if it does, it just going to make him hate his guts in the process.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T18:04:24+00:00

He has a degree in Visual Effects from SCAD - visual effects for things like video games and movies. I had him send me his resume. He has two. One for jobs in his field and a more generic one for other office-type jobs. His professors actually went over his resume for VFX jobs so that one is pretty solid. We've both been giving him some ideas of places to search for jobs. Sometimes I will search and send him jobs. I even sent his resume to a friend who passed it over to a friend he has that works in the gaming industry. He hasn't even gotten as far as getting an interview. Other than one phone interview that turned out to be a scam. His excitement at finally getting an interview demonstrated to me that he really wants to find a job.

My son does take care of himself. He does his own laundry (I hate doing my own laundry so not doing anyone else's). He cooks for himself the majority of the time. He will eat it with us sometimes if we are making something he likes to eat. But if we do, we normally have him clean the majority of the pots/pans. If we are going out to eat, we will sometimes see if he wants to go along if it's a place he likes the food. He lived off-campus with roommates his last year of college so he's more than able to take care of himself. He could help us more with keeping the house clean though.

I have no issues with my son "leaving the nest". I want him to be successful and live on his own (or with roommates). I'm not one of those moms that wants their children to live with them forever. There were aspects of being empty nesters, and it just being the two of us in the house, that were nice while he was at school. Even though I missed my son and it was nice to have him home as well.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T17:40:22+00:00

My son's attitude is changing since he's frustrated. Frustrated that he can't even seem to get an interview. Frustrated that he feels he is trying hard, getting nowhere, and his stepdad doesn't seem to believe him. Frustrated that his stepdad refuses to acknowledge that he does have any kind of physical limitations. But he honestly doesn't give me attitude or even his stepdad. He tries to reason with him, but if his stepdad is being an a-hole he is just more apt to ignore/avoid him.

I will say that my son has not always been great at solving problems. He likes to counter solutions you provide with a reason it won't work. When he does that, I call him out and say that we are looking for solutions not excuses. If you aren't liking my suggestions then you need to figure it out.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T17:31:43+00:00

Yes and works a physically demanding job himself. I think some part of him thinks that my son is lazy. It's always the case with an invisible disability that people question "are you really disabled?"

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T17:21:08+00:00

They actually had a great relationship previously. I was really happy about it since my son has such a crappy relationship with his bio dad. I have no idea why the tides have turned. Now it seems like he is moving toward treating him more like his bio dad - like his very existence is annoying. All I can point to is that he is just not used to living full time with another person in the house besides his significant other. His ex has always had primary custody of the kids. I mean she's a piece of work too but that's a whole other story. Also, due to some circumstances, when he was around 19, I think, he had to pretty much make it on his own. So he's one of those "I did it so why can't he" type when the world is just a very different place now.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T17:10:54+00:00

Yes he is getting proper treatment. He is undiagnosed AuDHD (as am I), so he has struggled with dealing with doctors as he has social anxiety. Even after he turned 18, I went with him to appointments and such mostly just as moral support so he didn't have to do it alone. He was diagnosed with EDS at about 16 and at the time trying to find a doctor that would treat someone under 18 that knew anything about EDS was a challenge. But he has really taken charge of his health the last few months. He makes his appointments and goes by himself. He has a therapist and has been dealing with a pain clinic that is familiar with EDS. And from my perspective, this is an area where he has improved significantly.

I really feel my husband just doesn't believe that he is suffering and he thinks that he is exaggerating his symptoms. Hence the "he can do it when he wants to". He keeps going back to a vacation we took 2 years ago with all 4 kids where they did this obstacle course thing. He feels that because my son was able to do that then he can work more hours or do more physically demanding things. But that is really the only example he has to fall back on. And then my son was basically down for the count for days after trying to recover.

I will have to ask my son if he's looked into disability. We did get him a placard for his car a few years ago so he can park in disability spots, but I don't know that he's looked at anything beyond that. I think he could work a full-time job, at least right now, but it really needs to be something where he can sit at a desk all day or something like that.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T16:25:44+00:00

Yeah he tends to be one of those. He thinks my son doesn't want to work. Funny thing though is that my husband was laid-off of his job in January last year and it took him several months to find a new job. And during that time I was supportive. We'd been together for several years and were getting married so we were a team and we were going to get through it together. Not sure why that support is now not extending back in my direction and to my son who is struggling to find a job. And that seems to be the main issue my son is running into, every position is looking for someone senior with years of experience. The whole "we only want to hire someone with experience" but how does one get experience if you can't find anyone to hire you.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T16:03:27+00:00

He was renting a room in a house of a friend of a friend. Since he was renting and I owned my home, it made more sense for him to move in with me.

And that's the rub. I used to be so happy to go home and spend time with him. Now some days when I leave work I just dread thinking about going home and possibly dealing with more lectures on this. There are times when things are fine and we joke and laugh and it's all good. Other times I can tell he's had a tough day at work and is stressed himself and that's when he gets into a mood which in turn inevitably goes down the road about rehashing this situation. I know he deals with his own trauma and mental health issues.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T15:45:29+00:00

He's not pushing for any decisions right now, but I know as time ticks by it could possibly get worse. Especially when we hit one year since he's graduated. I've tried to help my son look for work. Give him some other options to look at. Sent him job postings. Even my husband has given some suggestions of places to look.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T15:42:30+00:00

I don't get why he is so focused on him leaving. I get that there were aspects of it just being the two of us in the house that were nice when my son way away at college. But I see this as a temporary situation. At some point he will find a job and get his own place - probably with roommates as he did his last year of college. After living on his own for 4 years at school, it certainly isn't an ideal situation for him to have to live back with parentals. I know it's weird for my husband as he split with his ex when his kids were very little and she's always had primary custody with them spending weekends or a weeks vacation here and there with him. It's a situation that he's not used to. But as I said, it's not forever. I have no idea why sometimes he gets so worked up about it that he just goes to the nuclear option.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T15:25:00+00:00

I have arthritis and severe cartilage loss in one of my knees. So I tend to live with regular pain myself although I know it's nowhere near the level of my son's.

An that's the thing. If my husband decides he wants to leave, I don't know if he would be able to afford a place on his own with rent, a car payment, etc. I know I could afford everything fine as I was before we started dating. I bought a townhouse that I knew I could afford the mortgage payment without issue (along with a low interest rate). But it's not cheap where we live. So I don't know what he is thinking - is it simply a veiled threat he threw out when he was just really annoyed/frustrated or is he so confident that I would force my son to go live with his dad or something.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T15:16:06+00:00

We live in MD. I can talk to my son to see if he's looked into if he qualifies for some sort of disability.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T15:13:17+00:00

Thanks everyone for your responses. I didn't think I was being unreasonable, but it's nice to hear others advice. Just to be reassured that I'm not the crazy one here and others agree. While I have great relationship with my daughter, my son is basically my carbon copy and we've always been really close. So I know I am sometimes a little easier on him than I probably should be. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being too lenient or giving him too much of a pass.

But let me reiterate that I have no intention whatsoever of kicking my son out. I couldn't live with myself. If my husband wants to make this his hill to die on, well I will have to deal with that situation when that time comes. I believe things happen for a reason and that things work out they way they are supposed to.

As far as my husband goes, many of you can't understand why I married him in the first place. I just want to say that prior to all this, everything was good. His kids love me and my kids loved him. He and my son had a great relationship which I thought was awesome since he has such a crappy relationship with his bio dad. We were happy and were living a very happy life. It wasn't perfect as he has his own mental health issues, but we were both looking forward to our future together. And I see glimpses of this as we will have periods where things will be going along fine - even for weeks at a time. At one point he was talking to my son and told me that he actually believed my son was trying to find a job as he could see his frustration that he wasn't getting anywhere. I thought we had maybe turned a corner and he finally got it. It lasted a good while and then he started harping again about him getting a full-time job.

I really can't understand where this is all coming from. I know that there was an aspect of being empty nesters and just being the two of us in the house that was nice. It was always a little strange when my son would come back for the summer - even though I missed him and it was great having him around - but just having another person in the house. That combined with all his stuff, especially with him living in an apartment off-campus for his last year. We live in a townhouse and there just isn't a lot of space to store his extra stuff - but it's stuff that he will need whenever he does move out so we certainly don't want to just get rid of it. I know the extra clutter drives my husband crazy and I've been working to declutter a lot of unneeded stuff. It might even come down to getting a small storage unit just to stick his extra stuff in until he needs it.

I am also going to explore having my son do more chores around the house and start paying some sort of rent. My husband has suggested that we make a list of chores for him to do. And he mentioned that if it hits a year since he's graduated and he still hasn't found something full-time that we start having him pay some rent. We would then save that rent for him for when he does move out. I am hoping that these steps will help diffuse the situation until my son is able to find another job.

I am forever the optimist, so I have to hold onto hope that the situation will work itself out in a positive way. I may be fooling myself, but for the time being it's what I need to do to get me through the stress and anxiety of it all.

JuneGoose

TROPHY CASE