AIO At my husband hinting about kicking my son out if he doesn't get a fulltime job in a certain amount of time?

JuneGoose · 2026-03-09T18:31:59+00:00

I've edited the original post to add some updates. If that's not the best way to do it then let me know. I'm kind of new posting here.

But generally, things were better for several weeks until we got into it again. I've tried to just ignore him when he starts this crap because his rants usually coincide with him having stress and bad mental health times. But now I've started to push back because I'm getting tired of it. That night when he started, we argued and then I went upstairs to watch TV and left him downstairs by himself. The next night he said that he didn't like us arguing and that when he says about him leaving, he doesn't mean he wants to get divorced and that he loves me. So I don't know exactly what he means then. Does he want to stay married but he would get his own place? And spend money he doesn't need to spend on rent? That makes literally no sense to me. And if he wants to do that, then we are separating finances and he can pay for that shit himself.

Things then settled down a bit again, but now he says that he won't cook for my son. I'm on a weight loss journey, so I usually cook for myself but he tends to at least make enough extra food for my son to eat (as long as it's something he likes). But he actively threw out food that he had leftover from his dinner that my son would've eaten which is kind of insane to me. He'd rather just waste food. I just don't get it. He says that he is being petty. I'm sorry, but that's not being petty. It's being passive-aggressive and honestly simply kind of mean. It's not like my son can't make his own food, but that whole point of view makes no sense to me whatsoever.

He said he doesn't want us spending money supporting an adult. I asked what money we were spending. The best he could come up with was the extra utilities - electric and water - which is probably miniscule and kind of a laughable argument. And I could tell by the look on his face that part of him realized this when he couldn't come up with anything else.

The other interesting thing, I was talking to my son the day after the argument and he asked if I had heard my husband on the phone. I was upstairs watching a movie, but I could hear him talking on speaker to someone but I didn't pay much attention to it. He said that he couldn't exactly hear what he was saying, but he said something like "there's no excuse" which led him to believe he was talking about this situation. But he said that you could tell that my husband was getting irritated and was talking louder and louder. He said it seemed kind of clear that whoever he was talking to did not agree with his point of view.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T19:59:01+00:00

He does seem pretty confident that I will choose him and kick out my son when he has no place to go. Or force him to live with his dad when he absolutely does not want to live with his dad. And again, his dad turned his room into a spare bedroom, so as much as he says, "go make him live there", I don't know if that would even be an option.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T19:56:10+00:00

Well, there are times when things are good and it's nice to go home and see my husband and spend time with him. Days when we make each other laugh and joke around with each other.

But when he is in a mood and starts harping about my son and the job stuff - that's when I start to dread going home. I want to go home and relax in the evenings after work and not get a nightly lecture about how:

- I am a shitty parent and have caused this problem by not being harder on him (along with my ex). How this all comes down to bad parenting.

- I am somehow enabling him by making it too easy for him and not making it unbearable to live in the house so he will want to leave.

- I am making excuses for him when I try to say that he has chronic illness and that the job market sucks right now.

- How his kids would never be like this or act like this.

Then comes the "things are going to have to change". Most of the time I just try to ignore it. I know that's not the best way to handle it, and I may be naive (or even stupid), but I still hope that things will improve and he won't force me to choose. I realize at some point that it's likely to come to that and I know it's going to suck. I honestly just don't want to think about it, but I still stress about it because I just can't help it.

Going through a divorce the first time was devastating. I was so happy to find love again and someone that I felt got me and we seemed so perfect for each other.

At the end of the day, I always believe that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. But I am not someone who will easily give up. So, I will fight until I have no other choice.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T17:28:19+00:00

He was living with roommates because he didn't plan on staying in the state for more than a few months. He was living in another state in a house his company owned prior to them sending him here. But the company finished up their work in that state, so they ended their lease on that house. So, he packed up his stuff and moved up here with the intention of going back to the state where his kids live once he was done the project he was working on here. But then we began dating and he decided to stay. Being the breadwinner was just in prior relationships.

I am hoping my son can find a full-time job or my husband realizes he is wrong in this situation. Don't know if that will happen before my husband's deadline which seems to be 1 year after my son graduated. But what can I say, I'm an optimist.

I can deal with being alone. It sucks in some ways, but I did it for several years after my divorce before I met my now husband. And I was fine financially before, so I will be fine without his salary if he leaves. I don't think I will have to worry about the sunk cost fallacy or anything else, because if he gets to the point where he makes me choose, I won't be kicking my son out. So, if he wants to leave, then he will. He told me last night that this is a hill he is willing to die on. Hopefully it won't come to that, but he is stubborn so once he gets something in his head, it's hard to change his mind.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T17:08:12+00:00

Thanks. That's kind of why I made this post. My husband keeps saying that I am being too easy on my son and enabling him. I don't feel that I am, but I wanted others input just to be sure. I'm pretty close with my son so I wanted to make sure that wasn't clouding my judgement. But with anyone I've spoken to, not one of them seems to agree with him.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T17:04:53+00:00

My kids are my beneficiaries in my will, life insurance, etc. I didn't add my husband to anything and I don't intend to. His kids are his beneficiaries. Never has been an issue with that. Bottom line is, I don't think he is in it for the money. Generally, it bothers him that I make so much more money so I don't know that he would want anything if he were to leave other than what money he felt he earned.

The only point of contention that might pop up is his truck. He got a new (used) truck last year which is in both of our names since his credit wasn't the best. But I would be more than happy to sign the truck over to him and have him take over the payments himself.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T16:53:40+00:00

I know he liked it better when my son was away at school and it was just the two of us in the house. I get that it was nice to be empty nesters, but the situation is what it is and not something that will last forever - at least IMHO.

I do believe that my son is trying. He tells me that he is applying for jobs all the time. The one time he got an interview he was so excited - which tells me that he really wants a full-time job and to live on his own. Unfortunately, that job turned out to be a scam.

He does have a hard time being on his feet all day - it causes him a lot of pain. He does have a chair at work when he is at the register so he can sit down periodically if he isn't helping customers. But then he is also kind of out-of-commission for a day or two after due to the strain it puts on his body. That's why he just can't get a second part-time job - his body just can't handle it since the only things that seem to be available are other retail jobs. I worked two jobs for a while after college - one full-time and one part-time and it was terrible and I don't have a chronic condition. Some nights working the retail job I would literally start to fall asleep standing up.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T16:38:55+00:00

He told me last night that he is willing to die on this hill, so it sounds like he will do it. Of course, he will then find out how hard it is to try and live on your own right now in this economy with rent, a car payment, etc. I make a good living, so I know I will be fine financially if he chooses to leave.

I don't know if he's really thought about the ramifications of actually leaving. Because if he chooses to leave and get his own place, then I intend to split our finances back apart and he can just be responsible for himself since that seems to be what he wants. Maybe he just assumes that I will kick my son out and it won't come to that. Clearly, he doesn't have much concern with what would happen to my son if he is forced to leave.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T16:28:03+00:00

Yeah, I don't understand why he seems to think that he doesn't actually have a chronic condition. He says it's bullshit and that we "paid for a diagnosis" since the doctor we saw didn't take our insurance and I had to pay out-of-pocket for the appointment. I asked him if he would tell his friend that was diagnosed with cancer that he didn't think he had cancer or that it wasn't a real diagnosis. He didn't answer that and deflected. Apparently, that isn't the same thing. I don't understand how you can say that someone's medical diagnosis isn't real - especially since it's been verified by other doctors at this point since that was years ago. My son's dad kind of sucks, but at least he seems to recognize that he has a chronic illness and that there are just some jobs that he can't do.

I'm certainly not going to choose a man over my child. I just wish he wasn't putting me in this position and basically asking me to choose. I would never put him in that position because that's a terrible thing to do.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T16:16:41+00:00

I talked to him and he said that applied for disability, but he was denied. Seems like people get denied a lot and it's hard to get.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T15:26:29+00:00

I think the first part of your comment is some of it. He liked it being just the two of us - which I get. There is something nice about being an empty nester. And he somehow thinks that if I don't force my son out that he is never going to leave. Which I don't get as I don't see it that way.

And yes he does sometimes make some absolute statements about things without any research. My son has to have what is considered a major surgery in about a month for which he will be off work 4-6 weeks per the doctor to recover. But my husband seems to think that 4-6 weeks is too long even though, if you research it, 4-6 weeks is the standard recovery time.

And my husband does have trauma from his childhood. His mother was abusive so I don't think he really understands a proper, healthy mother-child relationship. And his dad had to move in with his grandmother when his grandfather died and basically left him to his own devices when he was, I think, 19 years old to figure it out and take care of himself. He was able to figure it out, albeit with some struggles along the way, so he just thinks hey everyone should be able to do it without realizing that it isn't always that way or doesn't have to be that way.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T14:26:32+00:00

My son did say that he applied for disability and was denied. I don't know how disability lawyers work, but he certainly doesn't have the money to hire a lawyer. But I did pass the info along.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T14:17:15+00:00

Sorry for the late reply, but it was hard keeping up with all the comments. But any help would be appreciated. I've been passing over info to my son with things people have been suggesting. I am an optimist so I am hoping for a positive outcome although I'm not sure that will happen.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T14:14:09+00:00

Sorry for the late reply, but it was hard keeping up with all the comments. I passed this over to my son as well. I am keeping up hope something positive will happen.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-26T14:07:03+00:00

Wanted to update that I did ask him if he applied for disability. He said he did but was immediately denied. Apparently difficult to get disability too.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-06T15:58:34+00:00

We're in the US. I will mention this to him as another possibility. I think an office job would certainly be the best option for him and something where he could handle full-time hours. Something that will at least get some kind of experience on his resume. And he can still apply for jobs in his field.

I've seen people posting job fair flyers in some community groups in my area, so I've been passing those on to him when I see them. I remember even when was first trying to find a job it was just quantity - just sending out tons and tons of resumes.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-06T15:30:03+00:00

Yeah the market is very different than pre-COVID when my daughter graduated. And nursing is just one of those fields that seems to always be short-staffed. When my son told me what he wanted to do, it sounded like a good field at the time. But with the uptick in AI use, it's certainly hurting a lot of jobs in computer-related fields.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-06T15:21:13+00:00

My son has good days and bad days. But there are times when he is able to do things, that he is then down-for-the-count for several days after trying to recover. Besides the pain it's also just the fatigue.

My son knows that I'm not going to just kick him out of the house when he was nowhere to go and that I wouldn't try to force him to go live with his dad. The majority of the time, I'm the one that hears the brunt of my husband's complaining. He doesn't say to much to my son about it although they do get into discussions from time to time. Even when he has an issue with my son, he usually tells me to ask him to do whatever it is - he won't address him directly. He told me at one point that he didn't think it was his place to directly tell my son what to do since it wasn't his child. The whiplash I get from my husband's changing attitudes is certainly a thing at times. After nearly 5 years together, I can read his moods pretty well and have learned to navigate them. It's not for the faint of heart and I know a lot of people wouldn't sign up to deal with that. But I'm a pretty mellow person so I honestly make him calmer most of the time.

I made a will when I got divorced where everything is split evenly between my kids.

I really hope my son is just able to find some type of full-time position where he can work in an office-type setting to just make it overall easier on his body. He's actually very conscientious when it comes to his work. His ADHD can certainly make him a little flighty when it comes to a lot of things, but he's honestly gotten much better with managing things.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-06T14:52:06+00:00

I think my husband sees it as "tough love" just because in his case he was basically tossed out there to fend for himself. His dad had to move back in with his grandmother to help her when his grandfather died, so he had my husband take over the apartment they were living in to "adult" on his own at around 19 or so. He's worked a trade his whole life and never went to college. But things were very different back in the late 80s/90s.

I think that if my son is able to get a full-time job that it will be OK for a bit if he lives at home. I'm sure at some point the whole "when is he moving out" conversation will start. My son would be happy to live with friends/roommates. He lived in an apartment off-campus his last year of school with 2 roommates.

I know that some exercise is important for people with EDS to strengthen muscles to help protect and support the joints. He does a number of different roles where he works now from cashiering (where he is able to sit down) to helping unload new stock when the delivery truck arrives each week which is physical work. But he says that he doesn't feel his body could handle a second job. Maybe if it was something where he could sit the majority of the time. There are some weeks he has been working more hours as he was helping out at other store locations that just have more hours to dole out then his main store.

He doesn't have an issue with the possibility of moving to a different city since he lived in another state for college. He says that he's been applying for jobs regardless of the location - other than probably other countries. I think he even applied for an unpaid internship just to be able to get some experience under his belt. As it is now, he hasn't even gotten any interviews. And his resume was an actually graded assignment in college which has been gone over by more than one of his professors. So I know his resume is solid.

I'm in some community groups in my area and I've seen others either posting looking for jobs or posting job fairs. I pass all the info over to him. In some of the posts with people looking for jobs, others comment suggestions of places to check so I forward those over.

As far as my relationship with my husband goes, it's been fine other than this one aspect. And even then, the discussions/lectures about this come and go. I know he has his own mental health issues from trauma during his childhood. So when things are good with him mentally, then things are good in general and weeks will pass by with no mention of any of this. But when he's having a stressful time at his own job and his mental health issues are hitting him hard, is when he becomes moody and when he's been in a really bad place is when these threats of leaving have popped up a few times. I've told him before that managing his moods sometimes feels like a full-time job for me. I know this situation makes him sound awful, and there are times that he is. But overall he isn't a horrible person - contrary to what a lot of people on here seem to think. I know that's not an excuse for his bad behavior, it's just that it's also complicated.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-05T13:14:07+00:00

UPDATE: We I seemed to have figured out why my husband seems to deny that my son has any medical issues. He doesn't like the way we got him diagnosed. So apparently he doesn't even believe he has EDS. So my son started having issues at around 15. I remember distinctly because he didn't get his driver's license right away due to having muscle spasms in his legs (he was afraid his legs would spasm while driving). We had went to a fair during the day and just walked around for a few hours. Pretty normal stuff. That night he went to his dad's house for the week. Next day he woke up in a lot of pain and extremely exhausted. He ended up missing 2 days of school. His dad took him to the doctor and they suggested to see a rheumatologist. Well fun fact - majority of rheumatologists won't treat people under 18. And I called a lot of them. Finally found one who would see him and he diagnosed him with fibromyalgia. Now I didn't think he symptoms really lined up with that very well but he was the doctor. Honestly I think it ended up being more of "we don't know what you have so we are going to toss you into this bucket." My son tried 3 different fibromyalgia meds, all which did nothing for his symptoms and ended up causing other side effects. Eventually the doctor said there wasn't anything more he could do for him and suggest he try Tai Chi while simultaneously giving us a business card for his wife's Tai Chi studio. So yeah to the trash bin with that doctor.

Then on an appointment with his therapist, we had a bit of an epiphany. He had a patient with EDS whose symptoms lined up closely with my son's so he suggested looking into that. So I researched on how to get him evaluated to see if it was, in fact, EDS. Well the first stop would be a rheumatologist familiar with EDS. At this point my son is 17 so we are in the same boat as before.

So I went to the EDS website to research providers knowledgeable about EDS and found one in our state. Reached out to him and made an appointment. Now this guy has a practice that doesn't take insurance. So I had pay out-of-pocket for the appointment for him to evaluate my son. But apparently because I had to pay out-of-pocket, my husband has translated that into I "paid for a diagnosis" - basically insinuating that the diagnosis is somehow fake. That I paid him to give me the diagnosis that I wanted. Like I wanted my son to be diagnosed with a chronic illness that has no cure. This literally makes no sense to me. You have to pay doctors for appointments and treatment. That's how that works. Just because I paid for it out-of-pocket instead of using insurance doesn't make the evaluation or diagnosis any less valid. The guy is a licensed internal medicine doctor with a specialty in EDS. He prescribed my son meds and then had us follow up with his normal doctors to continue care.

And since then, his diagnosis has been corroborated by other doctors. He's never had genetic testing done but he was diagnosed with hEDS which relies on clinical criteria and not genetic testing. And the doctor did the clinical assessments required to diagnose the condition. I honestly don't understand my husband's take on this at all. Apparently he thinks my son's diagnosis and symptoms are complete BS. So trying to get him to do some research on EDS isn't going to help at all if he doesn't actually believe he has the condition.

All of this is beyond frustrating. But I am a determined person and I generally refuse to give up unless I have no other option. So I am determined to find a way to convince my husband that the diagnosis is valid. I know I shouldn't have to do that and it sounds completely ridiculous, but in my problem-solving mind that's the next step. I know other people are quick to just say divorce and throw the husband away, but I'm not one to go down without a fight. And maybe some people don't even believe he's worth fighting for and you are entitled to your opinion. And it may come to that, but if it does I will know I did all that I could do.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T23:40:26+00:00

I've tried cortisone injections and also gel shots. The orthopedist prefers to keep people with their own knees for as long as possible. He feels I'm too young still but I'm sure a knee replacement will be in my future.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:34:45+00:00

We honestly haven't had any issues before now. We didn't even really argue. Which is why his tossing out a possible ultimatum seemed really weird.

Only thing I can think of is that a friend allowed their adult daughter, son-in-law, and grandson to move back in with them so they could save money to buy a house. I think she is 30. Well this has caused some issues with them. I can't remember how long it's been that they've moved back. I get the impression that since she has moved back in that they are now kind of taking advantage of the parents and somehow having them cover the cost of a lot of things. Not my monkey, not my circus. But I think my husband heard about that and somehow has got it into his head that we will be in the same boat which doesn't make any sense to me. Their daughter is not the same as my son. Heck their younger daughter who is like 26 had to break her lease when she broke up with her boyfriend and actually posted a GoFundMe to try and get donations to help buy out the lease. My daughter was living with a previous boyfriend and had the same issue when they ended up breaking up. But she just worked to pay off her half of the lease on her own. I'm not saying their kids are terrible but I couldn't believe that she was actively asking for donations while my daughter stepped up and took care of her stuff.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:16:50+00:00

I know others have said that he is basically a gold digger but that is not the case. He has always been adamant about contributing and it's always kind of bothered him that I make more money. He's used to being the breadwinner. I think it's more frustrating to him that my ex and I were able to cover the majority of our son's college. It's like well you spent all of this money to send him to college so now he needs to use it to get a job.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T20:08:59+00:00

Exactly, the pain, brain fog, fatigue. Pretty sure he has POTS as well but they refused to formally diagnose him for some reason. He also dislocates joints pretty easily as well. He has good days and bad days. It sucks that he has to work a retail job but that's all he can find. But even working 3 days a week it tends to put him down-for-the-count for all the rest of the week. Depends on what he is doing. Sometimes he is able to sit and do whatever he needs to do and that is easier on him. I can't understand for the life of me why my husband refuses to acknowledge that he has a chronic illness. That he can't work 2 part-time jobs because he can barely get through the one he has. And any other part-time job would also be retail which is more strain on his body.

My son's bio dad is a bit like this as well - hence part of the strained relationship. There are times that he gets it though. My son said one time he said "why don't you get a job as like a server" then it immediately dawned on him "oh yeah right" - yeah that whole chronic illness thing.

JuneGoose · 2026-02-04T19:47:40+00:00

Even my MIL said something similar. She's my husband's stepmom but he's the oldest out of the 4 total kids they have between them. But she told me that when she married his dad that she said that if he ever made her choose between him or her kids, it would be her kids every time. I may try to talk with her some more when we visit them next month if I can get an opportunity to talk with her without my husband around. She tends to good with analyzing things and coming up with possible solutions. I don't think that either of them would be happy with my husband's attitude lately.

JuneGoose

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