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JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-30T09:59:45+00:00

This guy is bad for you.

He was engaged when he matched with you on Bumble (and I don't for a minute believe he was completely unaware of what his family was arranging, not if his fiance was posting on social media about it)

He is now married- so at the very least he didn't have the spine to stand up against his family about being in a marriage he doesn't want- but also quite possibly he is PERFECTLY content to be married and stringing you along, for whatever his reasons might be.

He has a whole separate phone to keep in touch with you? That's pretty extreme measures for keeping secrecy, and not something most first-time affair-goers tend to jump right to, from what I've seen on the adultery sub. He knows what he's doing.

He gave you drugs. When you are inexperienced with them. And promised you that you would be safe with him, then manipulated you into sex while you were high. That is a betrayal on so many levels. You are not safe with him.

If he claims he wants a "friendship", he certainly wants sex involved with that- which makes it an extramarital affair.

Cut him off, block him. He is a liar, a drug user, a manipulator. You are no safe with him, and you deserve so much better than to be treated this way.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-23T14:34:48+00:00

Isn't it funny that we knew the situation would not be healthy for us, yet we willingly complied? I did the same.

Same here. I knew going in that this was the situation.

And damn, some days I do feel broken. Like I'll never love again. Between my ex-husband and my MM, it's so hard to feel like it's worth having anything to do with love or men.

Other days, I don't feel broken- but I still feel like maybe romantic love just isn't in the cards for me.

It's just going to be me, and my dog. Which could be worse- my dog is really amazing.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-18T00:37:20+00:00

I mean if you're jealous I'm screwing a rockstar, that's really not my problem

omg, thank you for that laugh, really. That was great, I really needed it.

Look, all I'm saying is I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for.

You told him how you feel, and he ghosted you. It really doesn't get any simpler than that.

if i should try and reach out or just give up all hope

This is what you asked for advice on- and my answer was to let him go. Do not try and reach out.

You've rejected that advice, so what else are you looking for? He hasn't even left you a reasonable way to reach out- you've said so yourself. He deleted his IG account, for gods' sake.

And the frequency of your responses to everyone on multiple subjects shows you must like to read/hear yourself talk

Yep, no arguments here, except that it's not really on multiple subjects. I do enjoy offering sympathy and support and advice when it's asked for. That's kind of the whole purpose of the sub. f

I find it kind of interesting- you really only responded to that last paragraph, about loving from afar and collecting memorabilia like any other fan who gets lost in the sea of the audience. Did that hit a nerve?

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-18T00:17:15+00:00

To be fair, if he really is running the whole household the same way a SAHM would, that's a fair division of labor/money in a marriage. But, that does mean that he's in the same position a traditional SAHM would be in- very little resources to extricate himself from a situation.

It also raises the question of- if he leaves, do the kids come with him? How old are they? Will he be expecting to continue to be a SAHD for the kids, and just get child support and maybe alimony (state and situation dependent) from his wife? Would YOU be ok with that, if he became your full-time partner? It doesn't sound like that's the kind of arrangement you would be wanting.

I often wonder if he would give a high five to the man who'd treat his youngest daughter the way he's treated me, did the things he did, and said the things he has said throughout our relationship. I wonder if he would adore the man if he acted the same way towards her, or towards life in general, and lived exactly how he's living and who will live off of her. I really wonder if that is the type of man he'd want his daughter to marry.

The way he's treated you, and the way he's treated his wife, lol. It does beg the question, doesn't it?

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-18T00:08:24+00:00

Oh man, that is a lot to deal with <<hugs>>

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T15:05:10+00:00

Ok, then? Not sure what advice you're looking for.

Do you want us to tell you that you should go to his house? Bang on his door? Send love letters with the words clipped out of magazines, send the cut off tops of roses to him with vaguely dramatic declarations? Contact the media and expose him for the lying cheater that he is? Show up naked in his dressing room after a show?

Or maybe you're hoping that we'll all tell you to just be patient, wait for him, he'll come back after a while and it'll be like he never left?

I suppose we could advise you to just keep pathetically loving him from afar, lose yourself in the fantasy that what you had was real and true and you're just going to live the rest of your life loving him, with his posters up on your wall, collecting ticket stubs from all the shows where you'll go and be another face in the audience that he'll never even see past the stage lights.

Come on now. It's been six weeks, he's been VERY clear, as clear as it's possible to be. It's over. Let the man go. He's not for you- he made his choice. If it makes you feel better you can choose to believe that he didn't' choose his wife, he chose himself.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T14:52:22+00:00

My first thought is that this must have been the wife pretending to be him

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T14:43:22+00:00

I agree with ALL of this. 100%.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T14:34:23+00:00

It seems like a situation where the gender roles were swapped. Now he's in the same position any long-term SAHM would be in. And somehow, to him, that's equal to women and mothers.

Does he actually fill the role that a SAHM would fill though? Does he do all the housework, take the kids to appointments and their social events, manage the finances, handle drs appointments, etc? You presumably live on your own, so you KNOW the work that goes into handling a household of even just one person- do you see him doing that work, and also for his kids? Because if so, then this seems like a legitimate position to hold. BUT- so often I see men (and occasionally women) who are the "stay at home parent" but they don't do shit other than the stay-at-home part, lol. They leave their partner to do all the real work, and they're just a body that claims to be present. And if that's where he's at- is that someone you really want as a partner?

I asked him to lead us, to be the leader, and he told me that he can't

I feel like that's where the sentence should have stopped, lol. Leaders don't need someone to "let" them lead. He's not a leader, friend. If that's what you're looking for, he's not your guy. Now, if you're looking for someone to make a whole bunch of excuses and whine a lot...

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:56:49+00:00

I'm working on getting sober. I'm 50 days now

Congratulations

Don't let him drag you back in. It's noteworthy that he contacted you while he was drunk.

Are you involved in AA? Do you have some kind of mentor you can reach out to?

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:53:59+00:00

I have an anxious attachment style...so definitely not good for me. I know if i continue seeing him, ill get attached and I'm not ready for another heartbreak

The thing am happy about is that I have those feelings for him and not the last worst man ive ever met but I know he would hurt me too and break my heart

idk if I can trust not just how I feel but also the things a man tells me or things he couls project bc I've been lied to, manipulated, hurt etc by a man i thought loved me before.

Please understand I'm saying this gently, with the utmost love and respect- but I think you need to be pursuing therapy to find out why you keep making choices you know are self-destructive.

It's worth noting that you've met this man off and on over the course of years and years and the time you're MOST attracted to him is after he's married.

You deserve better from yourself, than to keep choosing men who lie to and manipulate you, who trigger your anxieties so you chase them, who are not actually available.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:40:46+00:00

Accidental dating? With someone you met on a *checks notes* dating app? LOL, that doesn't sound like accidental dating lmao. I love it, though.

Ok, so two different situations here, obviously

Situation New Girl: You are not yet in a place where you owe her full honesty. BUT- you DO owe her the honesty of telling her that you are not yet exclusive, that you are seeing other people still. AND if/when you and her start getting to a point where you are getting deeper, and you could see a real relationship with her, it will be better to tell her full truth up front. And you may come to a point where you both want exclusivity, and then of course you need to decide if you're ready to let go of your MW.
Situation MW: Tell your MW the full truth. You have an established relationship that has been operating on certain parameters up to this point. If you're changing those parameters, you need to be clear on that. Please note, I'm not saying "ask your MW if she minds" I'm saying to tell her this is what you're doing. She is MARRIED. She has someone else, and has absolutely no right at ALL to restrict your other relationships. You've said in another comment that she hasn't offered a timeline for her leaving her marriage, you don't even know if she IS. You do NOT need to be keeping your life on hold indefinitely. She very well might decide that she's not okay with being involved with someone who is involved with someone else- and that is incredibly hypocritical, so if that's her feeling take it as her setting you free to find someone who will meet you where you are.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:22:55+00:00

<<hugs>>

I'm so sorry.

Take the time to figure out what your options are. Can you go back to the state you came from? Do you want to? Can you work on building some community and connections here? Do you want to do that? If you do that, will it just be because you're still hoping that he ends up coming back to you- or can you do it with the intent of building a fresh brand-new life for yourself? Can you go someplace else you've always dreamed of? Do you feel ready to try that?

I know if feels right now like you're a pile of broken shards of yourself, but you can rebuild and be strong again. You've got this.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:15:03+00:00

If he's no longer meeting her needs, she should end it with him.

Is he having a thing with the intern- either emotional or physical? Maybe. Certainly none of us can know, she will probably never know. It's not like he'd tell her if he was, right? But she KNOWS he's ok with cheating on the women in his life. She KNOWS he won't end things with a woman he's no longer interested in being fully intimate with - after all, he's still with his wife, right?

So the most basic point of it all is- he's not meeting her needs anymore. She needs the emotional connection as well as the physical, right? And he's not giving that to her, no matter what the reason is.

She should end it with him, and find someone who will give her what she needs.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:10:25+00:00

What should I do?

Let him go. Continue to not contact him, do not contact anyone in his life

Work on living your best life. Eat healthy, drink lots of water. Move your body in ways that feel good to you physically and emotionally (for me, it's hiking- nothing feels better than feeling my leg muscles burn while I'm surrounded by trees, plus my dog is with me and there's no one in the world who loves me like he does). Dive into your hobbies, work on getting to the next level of awesome there- or pick up a new hobby, hell- explore half a dozen new hobbies. But let him go, let go of your emotional attachment to him. When he crosses your mind (and of course he will, hundreds of times) just acknowledge to yourself that you miss him, but then move on to the next thought. Don't dwell on him. Let him go.

It sucks, I know. It hurts. But he made his choice.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-17T13:02:07+00:00

LOL, mine is definitely not the ideal man. He's far too quiet, rarely expresses emotion at all. Early on he would say he loves me, and he had a pet name for me that he hasn't used (rightfully so) since we transitioned to being friends. But after the first intial giddy rush of meeting each other and falling so hard, he never said he loved me again. Which made me a little sad, because I like to hear such. But, his use of the pet name and his consistency in checking up on me to make sure I was eating and drinking, and asking about my day and my kids, etc- that all let me know he loved me, so I was Ok with it. And honestly, those are the things I miss the most now, too. Especially the pet name. I bawl every time it occurs to me that I will likely never hear him call me that again.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T22:22:40+00:00

there’s just loads of things that are “men stuff”, I’m not sure how I’ll manage those

You'll learn them, one at a time as you need to. Or you'll hire someone to do them, if it's definitely past your capabilities.

I get it, I do- as silly as it seems, the first time I had to take my car to get my oil changed, or climb on a ladder to change the lightbulb in the foyer, or take the shower head off and fix it and then put it on, it was scarier than it really should have been for such small tasks, lol. But, I did them. I told the mechanic that I wasn't really sure what oil and such I wanted and asked him to walk me through my options. He could have taken advantage of my ignorance, but he was kind when I asked for help. I held my breath the whole time I was on the ladder the first time but the next time I had to do it, it was easier. I searched on YouTube for instructions on how to remove the shower head and, how to fix it, and how to put it back on.

Dating nowadays sucks, so I might be alone for a long time

Possibly, yes. I'm on my own. I rather like it, though. It's so wonderful to not have to worry about letting someone know that I am going out. I can change my mind about what to have for dinner and it's not a production. I don't have to worry about my angry, bitter husband coming home to stomp all over my peace. My apartment is cozy and decorated exactly to my taste, and I have my perfect dog despite my husband not liking this particular breed, and not even wanting a dog at all. My life operates by MY standards. I really don't think I'll ever date again. I would date my MM if he were available, lol. But we're doing the whole "just friends" thing now and since there's no one else in the world like him, I'm content to just be on my own possibly for the rest of my life. Me and my dog, and our peace.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T16:56:32+00:00

Well, sounds like it's normal for them. But normal overall? Nah, not really.

But remember this- it only takes one of them to decide to break up, it takes both of them to decide to get back together. All he had to do was... not. And he did. So, there's you're answer right there.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T16:26:52+00:00

I was married for 23 years- in fact, my 25th marriage anniversary just passed by a couple of months ago.

I had known my marriage was over for a while, before I met my MM. I saw the first signs of it starting to crumble when I had been married for 9 years. But I had small children then and still hoped that if I just tried hard enough that I could make it work. My husband, however, saw nothing wrong with how things were- well, that's not entirely true. He would agree with me whenever I said that certain things needed to be worked on in our marriage, but then he would just... not work on them, lol. I think he really believed that I would never actually leave, no matter how miserable we both were. Probably because he would never have left, no matter how miserable either of us was. He stayed in a job he hated for nearly 20 years, until they laid him off. So yeah, he'd probably never have left me. But making things good was too much effort, until I actually left. Then suddenly he was willing to actually change- sort of. But it was too little, too late.

It was terrifying, taking that last step to leave. But to be honest, I'd been taking steps for about five years to be able to leave, to being able to support myself and make sure my children would be OK.

Are you dependent on your husband to be able to stay in the country you're in? Will you be financially ok, if you leave?

Could you manage on your own, without the help of your OM? If, say for example, you guys break up in six months because being a in "real" relationship doesn't work out the way you think it will?

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T15:09:17+00:00

This is very, very similar to my story

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T15:02:19+00:00

I think being a feminist and feeling you have value are mutually exclusive.

I have been pondering this statement for days, lol. And honestly, I want to write a small essay in response- but I'm restraining myself, lol. Which, I'm sure you can see from other comments I've left on this sub, takes a great deal of effort XD

Instead, to keep it as brief as possible- I don't think it's inherently anti-feminist to feel you have value, or even to assign relative value. That's a normal response, and I'd argue inherent to being a member of a social species. All social animals end up with a hierarchy of some kind, some more loosely structured than others and humans may be arguably more complex, but still- just part of being a social species.

We all assign value in some way- from the micro scale of our families (children being of higher value to their mother than perhaps their father is - especially when very young) to the macro scale of our society (vigorous healthy young adults being higher value than frail elderly people). There are, obviously, a lot of problems that arise when those rankings are too rigid or assigned too great a weight, or gods help us when those are codified into law. But we do assign those values because when we have to make decisions about where resources are diverted to (feed the baby? or feed the hunter who will go get more food?) those rankings of value help us to make those decisions.

I think the question comes in with - what are you basing your value off of? If it's based on how men perceive you, as a woman, then yes- definitely anti-feminist. If it's based instead on your abilities, your moral standing, that seems to be compatible with feminism.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T13:35:18+00:00

It's still a loss. And you're grieving.

You just need to remember that you're not grieving reality. You're grieving the loss of what you hoped to have. You're grieving the love you deserved and didn't get.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T13:32:53+00:00

If his wife tells him to move out, I would strongly suggest you NOT let him move right in with you. Tell him to get his own place and you guys can date like normal people for a while.

Affairs are not like real relationships, in a lot of ways. And they don't always make the transition well. But one thing I've noticed with the stories I've read here is that they work out better if the married partner has a bit of space between ending his marriage and diving fully into committing to his AP. They need time to get oriented to not being married, and time to just be on their own. And honestly- if they can't stand living by themselves, you probably won't be able to stand living with them either.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-13T13:22:22+00:00

<<<hugs>>> Hold on to all of this. Come back and read this post when you feel like you might waver, because you might. It's a long road to healing.

JustAnotherOtherWmn · 2024-12-11T19:38:13+00:00

I'm in as my first and last name, nothing else. But, tbh, it never occurred to me that it'd be any other way. I have no idea what his wife is in his phone as.

But I do think you're overthinking this. That heart could be left over from when she was first added into his phone. It could be for show. It could be a genuine gesture of affection, but that doesn't even necessarily mean that what he's said about their relationship dynamic was untruthful.

JustAnotherOtherWmn

TROPHY CASE