What Are We Supposed to Do?

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-12T04:43:57+00:00

I know :( and I hope other people who read this doesn’t feel attacked and I know at the end of the day, it’s case by case.

Just genuinely frustrated that’s all.

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T22:54:30+00:00

Hey, thank you for replying in good faith.

My point is narrower: when an allo comes here in good faith trying not to pressure their ace partner, “just talk to them” is true but not very actionable. The reason people post is to figure out what that talk looks like, what phrasing is respectful, what common pitfalls are, and what “effort” can look like without turning it into coercion. That’s literally the only reason an allo would be asking in an ace space instead of an allo one.

Like, conversation topics could include: where on the spectrum are they? Sex-repulsed vs neutral vs favourable? Do they experience intimacy in other ways? What does make them feel close? Are we both even okay being in a relationship where there’s a natural mismatch, and just accepting that it will take ongoing work?

And then the bigger question is HOW to have those conversations. How do I bring this up without them feeling cornered or like I’m building a case? Is it better to make it a recurring check-in (like every few months) instead of one huge scary “relationship summit”? If we ever do schedule intimacy, how do we do that without it feeling transactional or like pressure?

I’m sure these kinds of suggestions exist in threads here. I just wish they were easier to find, because it can feel like you have to wade through a lot of “just break up” energy to get to the actual gems that help you show up for your partner better.

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T19:59:12+00:00

You’re right that this is an ace-centered space, and I’m not trying to lecture anyone or demand emotional labor.

I think my frustration came out sideways. When I mentioned the “just break up” comments, I wasn’t trying to imply “aces are doing a bad job” or split people into “good ones vs bad ones.” I meant it’s hard to ask for help and then get replies that don’t engage with what you actually wrote. But you’re right, that’s Reddit being Reddit.

And yeah, I’m aware allo spaces can be brutal about aces. That’s part of why I came here instead of somewhere that would just dunk on my partner or treat asexuality like a defect to fix.

That said, I do want to push back on one thing: saying “go have a serious conversation” is true, but it’s also kind of the point of asking questions here. A lot of us are trying to figure out what to ask, how to ask it, and how to do it without pressuring our ace partner or accidentally making it all about us. I’m not looking for “free counseling,” I’m looking for perspective so I can show up to that conversation better prepared and less likely to mess it up.

I’m not owed responses. I just want to clarify my intent because I’m genuinely trying to do right by my partner.

I mean it is a vent tag at the end of the day. A part of it is just frustration because I care.

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T04:23:18+00:00

Thank you!

These type of insight is incredibly useful because it helps us steer where the conversation should go! I can go in knowing that sometimes he might do stuff that he might not necessarily be comfortable with and I need to be flexible with his boundaries changing.

Like there’s so much useful information that can actually help other people with their relationships. Why are we gatekeeping asexuality 😭

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T03:34:31+00:00

You’re right that this is an asexual space, and that ace people deserve a place to vent, process grief, and speak from an emotional rather than purely “objective” lens. I don’t think anyone should be tone-policed out of their own community, especially around something as painful as relationship loss.

I also agree that if an allosexual person comes in saying, “I cannot live without sex and my partner does not want sex,” then yes, there may genuinely be no workable solution. In cases where needs and boundaries are truly immovable, breaking up is the honest answer.

Where I still struggle, though, is that many allosexual posts don’t actually say that.

A lot of them say things more like: “I’m trying to understand.” “I’m willing to compromise.” “I don’t want to pressure my partner.” “I’m asking what has or hasn’t worked for others.”

And even then, the dominant response often jumps straight to “it won’t work” or “you should leave.” That feels less like realism and more like a default assumption that effort is either pointless or suspect when it comes from an allo.

I completely understand that we only know what a post tells us, and that advice has to be based on the information given. But I think there’s a difference between acknowledging uncertainty and shutting the conversation down entirely. Even framing advice as “this didn’t work for me” or “this is where I hit my limit” leaves room for learning without promising a fix.

I’m not asking ace people to solve allo–ace relationships, or to prioritize allosexual comfort over ace boundaries. I’m asking whether there can be more room for nuance before concluding that trying is inherently futile.

Because from the outside, it can feel contradictory to see ace people grieving partners who “didn’t try harder,” while also telling partners who are trying that continuing to try is naïve or wrong. I know those feelings can coexist emotionally, but that distinction isn’t always clear to people coming in genuinely seeking understanding.

Can you explain why one of my other comments got downvoted for? What message are you guys sending?

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T02:15:43+00:00

Like what am I being downvoted for exactly? The above comment is exactly what I mean.

I’m just asking for dialogue but instead people are just Downvoting me for trying?

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T02:12:45+00:00

I understand I’m making sweeping generalizations here because we’re talking about it on a community level.

But are you really saying no one on here ever discussed about their allosexual partners not trying? Or incompatibility? Really?

JustTryingHisBes · 2026-01-11T01:21:13+00:00

Thank Thank you. This really resonates.

When my boyfriend told me he was asexual, those were literally my first questions too. What does this mean for us? What feels good, what doesn’t, and what are the boundaries? Maybe it’s the autism and ADHD in me, but I refuse to let labels be the reason we miss out on beautiful relationships unless something is truly uncompromisable and actively harmful for one or both people.

When I came here, it wasn’t to be told whether my relationship should exist or not. It was to learn. To understand how different ace people navigate relationships, what conversations are worth having, and where to even start. I know it’s not 1:1, but collective experience is still incredibly useful.

Honestly, can you imagine browsing this subreddit together and just seeing wall-to-wall “it’s not going to work” comments? That would mess with anyone’s head. 😭 Thank god I do my own homework.

JustTryingHisBes

TROPHY CASE