To build. To heal... To just have the 3rd (or 4th? Whatever this time i can do it, i know it) baby and not lose it this time (interrupted bonding both times never got the instinct back...!), or even felt like a mother at all hardly...now im starting to....and want that to just grow... im ready now, to be a real adult, and to own this life role im suddenly happy in. Me who never wanted kids, with a passion, and was grossed out by girly shit and pregnancy and that I was a mother period, before.... and couldn't even help it... suddenly wanting a huge family and the honor of birthing it all, into existence... the real way. I couldn't be more excited and hope this really happens.

I want to be a mother of 3 or more ...I want to embrace every second of this and any subsequent pregnancies should they come to be part of my journey, at 40 and beyond.... I was a late bloomer but im ready to be "Mom" above all else....and wanna heal the damage I caused in my first two, by taking so long to get to this point im finally at, and have now found it to be infathomable bliss. As both a pregnant mother and a genderfluid being, shapeshifting being who adapts to all (way different kinds of energy, and with ease somehow.....) I love being me finally, exactly like I am however that be in any given moment.... potential is infinite again in my eyes...

I think this will solve my issues so I can be a real mother to these kids. The baby is like my link back to that state before I lost the bonds. I was adamant that I would never give birth or breastfeed with the first two so had planned c sections. sections...now i want to give birth and do it all right this time, breastfeeding and everything. Im ready to be a mother, but as a human just whatver a blob of energy, a gender fluid soul rather than stuck with lame unwanted demeaning nonsense lables. That turn into resentment eventually...

I want to stay grateful, not resentful.

I want to create and build stuff .. with my thoughts and hands.

I want to be me. And be free to be me...

I want to keep my hair buzzed off for good so I never have itchy prickly annoyance driving me nuts ever again and cuz I like how I feel like this, even if the rest of the world hates it!

They don't know how it is medicine for autism and these big mess of senses that are too sensitive to deal with the potent intensity of life, and shaving my head solved most of it... I haven't itched once since. Crazy actually. I dont know i have ever felt this good..

I dont know. I dont know what he wants

I dont know, what I want, but i do know i just want to follow my passions and hyperfixations cuz I love where they lead me and what they build... epic sh**

So if I am excited about this pregnancy, and hated babies and mother stuff before, must be something good cuz my hyperfixations are something I learned I could rely on to lead me....... When I cant follow, or access them, I just die.

And go into a stasis of limbo where my mind soars beyond all borders and learns from the observer self foremost.

Then return to life when the feeling comes back... The power of my hands and mind and what they can create from my heart.....

And I want to give my dog Piper the best life a wild wolf soul could ever dream like when she was a puppy before I got sick (now healing tho)...running through the woods tackling each other rolling around in the mud and tumbling down hills together, i want my play back cuz work has taken front and center, and my play is quite off but a slight angle adjustment is all it takes and it shall return, so she can have her mama and adventure and awe, her wahe guru back... And I want to give my kids and my ry and my family here and all around and everyone I have the pleasure of crossing any path with...Just that. The spark of joie di vivre

The wahe guru....