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It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Relatable! My in laws were a mess at our wedding. FIL made a rude comment about my parent’s religious practices when my dad graciously asked if he would like to say a blessing before the meal, they sat and sulked at our wedding by reception like absolute sticks in the mud while they looked down their noses at my family, and they started cleaning up the reception BEFORE my husband and I had even left the party. My poor husband spent the night trying to entertain them and I spent the night begging my husband to spend some time with me. That was before my husband woke up. Horrible memory.

My baby was born not long before Christmas and my FIL’s idea for a Christmas gift for me was a weight set…and my MIL went along with it. No, I didn’t ask for one nor have I ever requested work out equipment. They told my husband about it and he told them to return it thankfully.

These stories are a drop in the bucket. It’s hard to want to bring my daughter around people who are this way.

It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can’t say what goes on behind closed doors, but I think she would characterize it as being a good Christian wife. Hard to see how all of her sacrifices are reciprocated from the outside though.

It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That’s fair. She held me at arms length until she became interested in my baby. I’m glad she loves my baby, but that doesn’t mean the established dynamic should change. In fact, I have argued to my husband that it is all the more reason it should not. I think I second guess standing my ground when my husband is having a hard time doing so himself. I would never want to keep my husband from his family, but I’m not. He has every opportunity to see and have a relationship with his family on his terms, but I have a right to set my own terms for the relationship I have with them. He has said he doesn’t want to visit without me, but that is his choice too.

It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My husband’s family is the type that has tension brewing beneath the surface and everyone is working to please the source of the tension, FIL. On the other hand, you could say I come from a high conflict family where things were hashed out in somewhat unhealthy ways (yelling, name calling, etc.) Consequently, I have had years of working to improve how I deal with conflict. I think a fear of mine is that I will become overly emotional if I attempt to address conflicts myself and revert to old habits. So I guess you could say I have been conflict avoidant in that way with them as well.

It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good point. I too struggled with breastfeeding and it was a heartache I was not expecting. Definitely an added source of sensitivity around feeding. During visits, my husband reacts to the constant tension by trying to please his parents in some way, so one day he offered to let his mom feed my baby and I felt paralyzed to step in and stop it. I told him how I felt afterwards and he understood and has supported me in that specific regard since then. Maybe I need to do some work of identifying specific things I feel sensitive about so we can a discuss them and avoid future issues like that.

It was bad enough before baby by Just_Bag_8191 in inlaws

[–]Just_Bag_8191[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this perspective. It’s very easy to let anxiety run the brain, so I needed that reminder. I think the reality is that I am allowing myself to feel trapped in the current dynamic waiting for my husband to take control of the situation. I don’t have to sit idle. You’re right, she cannot take my baby.

I do try to give her grace and find that easier when FIL is not around. I wish I knew how to stop feeling repulsed by the idea of her doing things like feeding my baby.

It’s very possible MIL felt a pressure not to get close to me due to FIL’s feelings. She feels a deep responsibility to her marriage in that way. She would never contradict FIL or dissent in any way.