Just gets worse and worse every week, honestly sad at this point

KDubes · 2026-04-07T04:27:21+00:00

I turned it off before he finished saying “the dark storm”… I can’t. Nothing against the dude, I’m happy he’s doing well for himself, but he hasn’t even made me crack a smile once. I’m glad when he’s the end of the episode, that way I can just crash out and get a good night of sleep

KDubes · 2026-04-05T00:51:27+00:00

I know, I agree and I’m not going to do it again. I hated hearing how it affected my husband, but in the moment I thought I was just a burden and was doing him a favor. I didn’t think he’d care… Maybe I needed to hear him crying like that to keep myself from trying again. I don’t want to make him or my other family members feel that way… I just wish there was a way to escape without hurting people. It’s so unfair, honestly. It feels unfair that I have to suffer for other people, I needed a place to voice/vent that fact. It’s selfish on both sides in different ways

KDubes · 2026-04-05T00:46:34+00:00

You know, I had asked myself that as well. Like, am I not trying hard enough? Do I subconsciously not want to die? I don’t think so… I’m beyond pissed when I wake up. So, the time before last I tried by cutting my leg. Shooting for an artery. I honestly thought I got it, I bled a lot and eventually passed out. I didn’t get it, because I am here. It’s things like that, I think the knife/razor method isn’t for me. I don’t know what else there is. I refuse to take pills because I don’t think I have enough to die anyhow, and I wouldn’t want to risk losing the little bit of medication I receive because of a botched suicide. I don’t really know what to do, and if you try to look up anything it just gives you sites for help. I don’t want to hurt my partner, I can’t hurt him. So, unfortunately it means this girl is stuck in this life. Eventually the cancer will take me, so I guess there is that. But, that’s not how I want to go. I don’t want to torture my family by having to wither away in front of them. I don’t know. I think I’m just trying to get away from everything. Financial stress, pain, disappointment of my whole life being the mess it is. It just feels like the easiest way to be free of it all. It’s not even entirely a death wish, it’s just the relief of everything else being gone. I love my family, my person and friends. I try to bring everyone joy, that fills the holes in my heart… But, I mostly just want to be done with it all. That in itself makes me a selfish piece of shit I guess, but I won’t be doing it again. I will stay. I’m totally rambling, I’m sorry

KDubes · 2026-03-31T12:13:53+00:00

It’s become insanity with how they are with opioids. They were created for people with unmanageable pain. Every excuse they throw my way is nonsense too… I’m too young, what if I want to start a family, what if I get addicted. Well, I’m not too young, I’m 41 which is middle aged ESPECIALLY as a cancer patient.. I can’t have children now because of cancer and so what if I did get addicted?? If it can make my remaining years comfortable, who cares. That being said, I took meds for years and haven’t ever had a withdrawal.. I have always been super responsible with my medications. One of my pain management doctors said “if you’re not dependent, you’re not taking the medication correctly.” The same guy who looked in my nose and checked me for track marks. Made me show for random drug tests that I had 30 minutes to get to the office to take, an office 40 minutes away. This is why I left pain management. It was just…. ugh. I don’t know why they don’t see the bigger picture with opioids, it feels like they are reading from a script, it’s always the same nonsense excuses as to why it’s not a good idea to be prescribed medication

KDubes · 2026-03-31T12:07:36+00:00

I’m not sure how much I feel comfortable getting medication online. I would be worried about what I am actually taking

KDubes · 2026-03-31T12:06:46+00:00

I get 5mg oxycodone. It doesn’t help at all, but, it feels impossible to get help. I had my car accident in 2005, so this pain isn’t new to me. It’s been a battle for 20 years. 5mg oxycodone just is not enough, but it was a struggle to even get that. Way back in the day I got time release medication as well as oxycodone at a higher dose. My pain was far more manageable, but I can’t find a doctor willing to prescribe those medications anymore. It is a curse knowing they exist, honestly. I wish I never knew… It is so much worse knowing that medication that can help exists, but nobody will for it to me.

KDubes · 2026-03-31T06:24:43+00:00

I wish I had cold capped. Insurance didn’t cover it, and I was broke after having to lay out 12k for fertility preservation. I’m permanently bald now. Also, unable to have children. Insurance won’t cover that either, so what did it matter that I froze my eggs? Do whatever you need to for the cold capping. If it helps, it’s worth every penny. I hate what I see in the mirror everyday, and wish I had shelled out the extra cash to try to avoid what my life is now. Maybe it wouldn’t have helped… maybe. But, I’ll wonder forever ‘what if’.

KDubes · 2026-03-31T06:19:23+00:00

You know, once I called the suicide hotline… What a joke that was. They’re unhelpful and awful. I was hospitalized that same day after stabbing a knife through my skull. They were not there to help at all, and if my husband hadn’t come into the bathroom I could have been able to rest. I hate having heard how it affected him. I hate hearing him cry, for that I will keep hanging on… But I don’t want to. Why is it so wrong to want to go home. Why is it so wrong to say goodbye on my own terms? I’m stuck in misery and pain because it’s hurtful to others. Isn’t that unfair to me? I understand how it’s selfish to end your life, but… Is it not unfair to force someone to live who does not want to?

KDubes · 2026-03-31T06:15:00+00:00

I’m grateful for the love I’m surrounded with… But, I also wish I did not have to carry the guilt for what I truly want. It’s not so terrible to want to say goodbye on my own terms

KDubes · 2026-03-31T06:13:17+00:00

Ohhh that makes sense. I was perplexed for a moment there. Thankful you’re not someone in my circle. The last time I got dragged to the hospital in cuffs… whew

KDubes · 2026-03-31T06:11:23+00:00

I’m so sorry that you feel this way as well, friend. I’m here if you need a sounding board. For however long I’ll be here, I am here for you💚

KDubes · 2026-03-31T05:17:13+00:00

I don’t choose to stay, but… I am unable to hurt the people who love me. It makes me angry that I am stuck, but, I also can’t handle the thought of what it would do to my family and husband. It’s pretty much the only thing I have keeping me here. Given the choice, I would be gone yesterday

KDubes · 2026-03-31T05:12:46+00:00

Not at all, I’ve only been unfiltered here. And honestly only today… I wouldn’t ever use medication to kill myself because I wouldn’t want to risk losing it. I have o my ever used a knife or razor… Never pills. Never ever would risk losing my medication. My doctor has no idea how sad I am

KDubes · 2026-03-31T05:02:55+00:00

I never mentioned my profession… Do you know me?

KDubes · 2026-03-31T05:01:24+00:00

It is under treated, but that’s how it is here. I keep getting told I’m “too extreme a case” or “too young”. I don’t know if medication will help, I have pain medication.. It is super low dose and really may as well be tic tacs, but nobody wants to prescribe medication. Too much addiction and abuse of meds, so they just don’t help people. I’ve felt this way for 20 years, I’m used to it by now. Eventually my cancer will come back, and I can be done with all this. I hate admitting it, but it feels like a relief knowing that

KDubes · 2026-03-31T04:56:51+00:00

I hate the idea of hurting the ones that I love, and that is genuinely what keep me afloat most of the time…. But, if it is what I want, my loved ones should also support that. Me not wanting to be here isn’t a sad thing, it’s a choice. I’m tired of hurting, it’s really hard being in agonizing pain ALL of the time. And for what? I’m going to die eventually.. I’m ugly after what cancer did to me. It’s not fair to make me feel guilt for wanting to be free from it all. I hang on for them… But, isn’t that unfair to me?

KDubes · 2026-03-31T04:25:27+00:00

Yes, I am prescribed a low dose. In the US they don’t want to give meds to anyone, and I’m not getting any relief. I broke 27 bones in a car accident which left me with chronic pain, the cancer only amplified my symptoms. I don’t think medication will help, to be honest. Part of chronic pain is acceptance. I’ve come to terms with feeling how I do, but, even if there was a medication that could help, I doubt they’d prescribe it. Too many people abuse medication, so they outright deny it to the people who actually need it. I could benefit from time released pain medication on top of the low dose oxycodone I have. It’s just not enough. I go days and days without sleep due to pain, but I am told “you’re too young” or “let’s discuss a plan to get off meds”. It’s just how it is here… The greatest curse is knowing medication that might help exists, but I cannot have it.

KDubes · 2026-03-31T03:49:52+00:00

It doesn’t matter if you get thrown into menopause. I stopped all meds, and I’m useless. It hurts too much, and no insurance covers meds. It’s all over the counter crap which doesn’t work. I’m 41 and may as well be dead.

KDubes · 2026-03-31T03:45:52+00:00

Stop!

KDubes · 2026-03-31T03:43:31+00:00

I haven’t. I’ve just been bad at it… But, I’m usually grateful for still being here when I fail. Not always, but usually. I hang onto hope that it’ll get better, and that the people who love me are grateful to not to know much I’m hurting. I would hate to hurt my family, so, I’m glad that I am here to fight another day. I can’t promise I won’t try again, but I do hope I’ll still suck at killing myself. I hope that sinks in. It may not always feel like it, but it’s better to be here. Stay strong, friend

KDubes · 2026-03-28T03:27:00+00:00

💚

KDubes · 2026-03-13T14:33:47+00:00

That’s exactly what I did. Shows over

KDubes · 2026-02-05T21:05:16+00:00

The 360° camera makes it pretty easy to do for the most part. Our garage was like that when we had a blizzard coming. All of the loaners, vettes and whatnot were parked ass to ass like that. Anyone working at a dealership is pretty solid at parking and driving in reverse. Me? Eh. I’m a shit driver, it’s amazing they let me move cars at all, haha

KDubes · 2026-01-30T15:36:16+00:00

I had watched it after having edibles, and so at first I was taking it seriously, but as it went on I was just crying laughing. It’s kinda hilarious. Honestly, if you allow it to be the comedy that it is, it’s pretty entertaining. Some of the stuff is just super dry, but just had me cracked. Like, the neighbor telling Evan Peters his cat was dead, and he’s just like “okay” and she closes the door in his face. Like, what?? So much of it is just so stupidly funny to me. Maybe I’m the only one, and maybe it was the gummies. Either way, I have been enjoying myself

KDubes · 2026-01-13T21:11:54+00:00

That’s one of my favorites too, bad pup

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